What Marriage Looks Like With A Baby
Before our son came into the world, my husband and I lived married and childless for five years. As perhaps you've read, that wasn't exactly our plan…
Before our son came into the world, my husband and I lived married and childless for five years. As perhaps you've read, that wasn't exactly our plan, but it was God's. The timing ended up (per usual) being just right, and we are now overjoyed to have our little boy, especially with all the waiting and sadness we had to endure in the years leading up to his arrival.
To be honest, sometimes I wonder if it's our particular set of experiences that have made the transition to "married with kids" a little sweeter for us. When you're newlyweds or just married without kids you hear so much of the typical, "Enjoy this time! You won't be able to do (fill in the blank with just about ANYTHING) once kids come along!" Sure, some of these comments are well-meaning. They come from people who might see you in a stage of life that is so far behind them, that they think back on it admiringly. But just like my most popular marriage post (read it here), the amount of wompy comments you hear before bringing a child into the world is sort of dismal.
We're nearly four months into this whole parenting thing, and we're still pretty sleep deprived. Don't get me wrong - it's hard! But good grief are we happy. A full night of sleep versus "having" to snuggle a little boy to sleep who is the spitting image of the guy I'm in love with, is not such a terrible trade off. But I suppose if you're curious, I'll lay out for you what marriage looks like now, post baby...
It looks like two bleary-eyed 20-somethings who DO sometimes miss their sleep and wonder if they appreciated it enough in years past.
It looks like sharing the responsibilities of caring for a little human. Giving one another breaks from the pressure of caring for a baby 24/7. Championing wake and nap time so momma can shower in the evening, or so someone can cook dinner, or just plain spend time doing nothing at all.
It looks like a husband, who really did not have any idea what a newborn is like. That they don't really acknowledge you, and basically just emit cries for needs that you seemingly cannot meet (ie. feeding)... until the day that little alien actually DOES acknowledge him and he melts into a puddle.
It looks like two people who both slightly mourn the answer to the question, "Wanna have some fun tonight?" ...while the other tilts their head and yawns (hahaha)
It looks like a husband who finds new ways to contribute to caring for his child, by caring for his wife with big breakfasts and heaps of coffee at her bedside. EVERY morning.
It looks like a wife who musters up the time and energy at the end of a long day of shushing, rocking, feeding, cleaning, bouncing, shopping, dog duties, and everything else, to nuzzle up to her husband and scratch his back and talk all about him instead of the baby.
It looks like new versions of the same people. The excitement in meeting the "dad" or "mom" version of your spouse.
It looks like bonding over yet another beautiful thing. Only this time, it's 100x greater than your bond over food, wine, furniture, sense of humor, or whatever else.
It looks like grace being doled out when schedules get messed up or things get overlooked.
It looks like teamwork just to get through another sleepless night.
It looks like two parents who, when morning breaks, forget the frustration of the night before when two eyes that look like daddy's gaze up at you admiringly, and two perfect lips that look like mommy's curl up into a massive smile to greet the day. The troubles of the night just melt away in a matter of seconds.
It looks like a heart that was full, has somehow expanded for this precious new person. As if you clearly must have been the Grinch before this moment.
It sounds like a lot of "Well, we can't do that at 5:00, because that lines up with a feed, and then he needs a bath, and..."
It looks like cancelled plans and "Sorry, we had a rough night. We won't make it."
It looks like burp cloths in every room, baby toys and gadgets strewn across the house, and the smell of spit-up on your clothes. Gone are the days of freshly dusted surfaces and matching decor... at least for this season in life.
It looks like early mornings and long nights, but short weeks and months.
It looks like pride in seeing your baby grabbing toys, have healthy poops, roll over, laugh for the first time, talk in gibberish, learn to sit-up, stand-up, walk, etc... because YOU get to be the ones who witness it.
It looks like a date night on the couch when baby is down for bed, but with a video monitor on the coffee table next to the glass of wine and bowl of ice cream... while you pass out watching the monitor instead of the movie.
It looks like fun weekends exploring new places as a family, instead of as a couple. Finally.
It looks like a knowing smile at one another that says, "I'm glad this is us now" as you watch other families enjoy a day. Because that glance between you used to communicate sadness and pain... wishing it was you with the baby.
It looks like baby snuggles and the way your spouse looks at you while you hold their child.
It looks like ... happiness, contentedness, peace, and love.
Marriage with a baby looks like love extended. It looks like God's most precious gift. It is without a doubt, the happiest time in our marriage thus far. We're more tired than we've ever been, but we also feel more blessed than ever before.
It has been such a privilege to meet this new version of Tom. I love this post by someone I follow on Instagram (who posts awesome, convicted wisdom). He is talking about his wife, but I think the same sentiments can be said for either spouse:
Parenthood is something we are both so excited to be a part of. It has opened us up to not only the obvious love we have for Silas, but a new and deeper love for one another.
Don't be afraid when it's your turn, friends. You might get the jitters in the final weeks of pregnancy when the reality hits you that life will never be the same again... but take it from me, in no time at all, you won't be able to imagine life without your baby in it. Your "old" life is there, but something wonderful is simply being added to it.
And believe me, nothing will make you fall more in love with your spouse, than seeing them as a parent to your child.
Marriage after a baby?
...it looks a lot like a family.
Five Years Married
To commemorate five years, I thought I'd do this year's anniversary post a little differently. I sought out or made up some marriage-y questions...
Well, guys, it's been FIVE years! I seriously love every day we've spent together, and the last five years have been nothing short of fun. Sure, there have been some trials in there, but together and with Christ as the center, we've managed to consistently keep life and marriage pretty darn happy. I don't mean to come across braggy or humble braggy or whatever, but it's just the truth. It's our story, our experience, and our personal take. I'm pretty stinking thrilled that we get to do life together. Soon we'll be starting our next crazy adventure as parents (ahh!!), and I cannot wait for the inevitable laughter and tears of this next season. We always keep each other laughing, and try not to take things so seriously that we can't appreciate the little joys.
To commemorate five years, I thought I'd do this year's anniversary post a little differently. I sought out or made up some marriage-y questions. Some are a little "Newlywed Game-esque" and some are more long form, but basically we did a little marriage interview! We both answered each one, so read on for our answers to those burning questions you have about Tom and I. In fact, we answered all of these just last night over our anniversary dinner and cocktails (mocktail for me, of course). This was super fun, and I hope you enjoy, too!
I'd like to point out that stupid balloon. I grabbed it in the dollar section thinking it was MUCH bigger and I cracked up when Tom blew it up! Haha womp womp tiny balloon!
Describe our first kiss in one word.
Tom: Awkward
Joy: … definitely awkward.
(I should note, we were essentially best friends, so it was suuuuuper weird kissing your best friend all of a sudden. However, after that one kiss it wasn’t very awkward anymore ;) )
What were your top 3 moments together from this last year?
Tom: Iceland, finding out that Joy is pregnant, moving to Nashville.
Joy: Having Hondo for a year, finding out I’m pregnant, and moving to Nashville. I would also say Iceland, but I got limited by three!
What do you know about marriage now, that you didn’t know 5 years ago?
Tom: I feel like I didn’t know anything about marriage 5 years ago. All you have to go on is what others tell you about it, and I don’t think they did it justice. For guys, there’s a perception that you give up a lot by getting married, which is so far from reality. It’s amazing, it’s fun, it’s so much better than before, and it gets better every day.
Joy: I just don’t think you can quite fathom how love changes and evolves. At the time you get married, you think you really love that person a lot. More than you ever thought possible. But somehow, with each passing day, that love has grown. I love and appreciate Tom wayyyy more now than I ever did when I was 23. It’s like I didn’t even know what love even was at that point. Also, I think people always talk about how important good communication is… but it bears SO much repeating. Healthy, honest communication is key to so many areas of marriage. After 5 years, I so appreciate starting our marriage off with practicing good communication.
What was your very first memory of your spouse?
Tom: “Hey, want to come sit with us?”
Joy: He was dating a girl in the room next to mine, but my door was open and I was singing along with American Idol on TV, and he just plopped down to hear me sing.
How long had you been dating, when you were you pretty sure you were going to marry your spouse?
Tom: … about a month. Or less.
Joy: Yup. Didn’t take long to know.
What has been the hardest part about marriage?
Tom: Not sure that there is anything in particular that jumps out to me… Maybe it’s hard agreeing on figuring out what we’re going to eat this week…?
Joy: Honestly? In 5 years, I can’t say it’s been hard. There have been hard trials, hard days, moody days, grumpy days… but overwhelmingly, marriage hasn’t been “hard.” Had we not had an established friendship, maybe it would have been, but we were friends first, so we communicate honestly and lovingly.
What is your spouse’s most annoying habit?
Tom: Worry snowballing, e.g. getting herself so worked up by THE WORST POSSIBLE OUTCOME of something. For example, Joy had a solid day and a half before we went to Europe worrying about her teeth falling out in France, and not speaking the language, and I couldn’t translate because I was eaten by a bear, and she had amnesia, and all of our luggage was lost, in a hurricane, in the middle of nowhere, and they only had sharpened rocks to replace her teeth with.
Joy: Eating before putting away cold food and forgetting about it entirely.
(Tom’s response is killing me - hahaha - my front six teeth are fake, if that was confusing to anyone. AND IT’S A REAL FEAR OKAY)
Name a time you were most proud of your spouse.
Tom: One time at Walmart, I was trying to toss a bag of cheese in our cart from like 15 feet away and kept missing. Joy grabbed the cheese, all tough, said she could do it and then ON HER FIRST TRY tossed the bag o cheese between her legs from across the aisle and landed it EXACTLY on the child seat between two other items. Best trick shot ever. She’d never be able to do it again if she tried. Also, this blog. Everyday.
Joy: ...for the record I HAVE tried the cheese shot again, and failed miserably every time. I’m super proud of my cheese moment. Okay but for Tom? His handiness. For our first two years of marriage, we lived in apartments and I never saw him do anything remotely handy. And if he did, it always ended up being a big fail (shelves falling off walls, etc..). But when we got our house, he blew me away! He gutted our downstairs and built our whole kitchen and wired everything and cut countertops perfectly. It was so impressive! And he also installed a tankless water heater. Like, who was this guy?!
Are we more opposite, or similar?
Tom: Similar.
Joy: Similar.
What is one thing we’re really opposite about?
Tom: I love pasta, she does not. This is the saddest part of our marriage.
Joy: I’m much less inclined to invite new technology into our home.
What is one thing we’re really similar about?
Tom: Furniture tastes. Take us into a store. Point at a chair, and we will both say the exact things wrong, right, or odd about it. Every time.
Joy: Trying new foods. Pregnancy has made this harder, but when I don’t have silly pregnancy restrictions, I think I’m most excited for this. Also, house stuff. We can agree on furniture to a T.
What’s my spirit animal?
Tom: A puppy. She is what she loves. Fussy at times, but always wants to be close.
Joy: I don’t think you’d be an animal. I think you’re more like a mixture of an old man, a child, and a nerdy dad. And I can’t wait to see your nerdy dad show up even more in this next season of life. Having said that, you might be an alpaca. Mostly because they seem like they’d wear old man sweaters and Waldo glasses, while running really dorky.
Which of us is more decisive?
Tom: Joy. She’ll say me, because I decide on where we’re going and what we’re doing, but in regards to the minutia, it’s her all day.
Joy: Me.. no wait. Tom. Wait. Hondo? No I think it’s Tom.
(Look! We can’t even decide on who decides better! Maybe neither of us is very good at deciding...)
What do we finish more of: each other’s sandwiches, sentences, or last nerves?
Tom: I’ll eat her sandwiches, we finish each other’s sentences.
Joy: Well, most meals sound like “Tom: Are you done with that?” as I simultaneously say, “I’m done with this.” So sandwiches and sentences at the same time. Nerves, eh.. thankfully it takes a lot for him to get on my nerves.
What is your favorite thing to see your spouse wearing?
Tom: Anything green. Her eyes change color all the time, but they go bright green when she wears that color. Also, giant t-shirts, also known as blogger uniform. She’s most sassy, most comfy, most herself in a xxxxxxxxxxxxl tshirt.
Joy: This is actually really hard. Because Tom in nasty, heavy labor clothes always makes me happy, and I like his usual work clothes or church clothes, but when he gets in comfy pants and snuggles me, that’s probably my favorite. Also when I notice his wedding ring, it still gives me butterflies.
What is your spouse’s favorite food?
Tom: Mexican, but really anything with cheese. Queso, cheesy garlic bread, pizza, cheese plates, cheese, cheese, cheese. We have like 5 pounds of it in the fridge. (this is not an exaggeration)
Joy: Asian. Pho, ramen… mostly the noodle based soup kinds.
What is something your spouse has completely changed their mind about since you’ve been together?
Tom: That I’m handy. She thought I was a total dolt when it came to DIY things for the first 2 years.
Joy: Mushrooms. And Coldplay? He didn’t dislike them, but now he never minds how much I listen to Coldplay.
What was your favorite part of our wedding day?
Tom: As soon as we hit the road to go to Chicago. Thank God for a morning wedding.
Joy: Dinner alone at our hotel the evening of our wedding day.
What is a sure-fire way to get on your spouse’s nerves?
Tom: Leave the toilet paper roll facing inward… or is it outward…? I can never remember.
Joy: OVER, TOM, OVER!!!
Just ONE? We are both the king and queen of pet peeves. The easiest ways to get on Tom’s nerves would be using comic sans, singing a song from Annie, or saying EXpresso (this, only if someone says it repeatedly in a single conversation. It builds).
What is your favorite meal that your spouse cooks?
Tom: Chicken pot pie, or anything baked. The woman can bake.
Joy: Biscuits and gravy. But he also makes a mean ramen.
What’s your spouse’s favorite joke to tell?
Tom: She’s not much of a recurring joke teller. All original content.
Joy: “Who said that?” You have to be there to understand...
What’s your favorite thing to do together?
Tom: Exploring an area together, just the two of us. San Antonio, Iceland, New York, Savannah, Asheville, Florence, Nashville… the locations are great, but exploring them is the best.
Joy: Spending a day exploring new areas and finding new restaurants.
What is your spouse’s signature dance move?
Tom: It was something different in college, but now she does a super dorky flailing arms move that really should be shared with the world.
Joy: Really wide open eyes, serious face, flailing arms, and moon-walky legs. He never breaks eye contact, and he only does this move if I’m there to use as a focus. It’s terrifying, but also hilarious. Again, alpaca.
What personality trait made you fall in love with your spouse that they still exemplify today?
Tom: Sarcasm and how opinionated she was.
Joy: Highly opinionated sassy sarcasm.
Who is the spender?
Tom: It’s me. I’m good at finding deals, okay?
Joy: ...well it’s not me.
What’s something you love about your spouse, that they don’t always love about themselves?
Tom: The way she looks in the morning.
Joy: He can be super assertive, and I think sometimes he’s worried he comes across like a jerk. But I like that about him because it’s a trait a lot of people constantly fight against or don’t use. However, because he’s aware of it, he does a good job remaining kind and I admire that about him.
In the last 5 years, what has been your favorite part of being together?
Tom: All of it. Exploring, traveling, joking, people watching, tasting, crying, being together, sitting and doing nothing, being exhausted from doing too much, living in new cities, talking to new people, coming home to see her after work, waking up and seeing her in the morning, getting Hondo, renovating a home, getting on each other’s nerves, finding the things that only each other would like, knowing the things that the other would hate. All of it.
Joy: Seeing Tom develop in his career while still managing to prioritize being together and go on adventures. I get super restless at sudden intervals, and he’ll gladly get us out of the house, even if he’s kind of spent from being at the office. I just love being with him more than anyone else. He’s my best friend, and when we have to be apart for even a few days, I get unashamedly bummed because I hate missing moments with him. Clingy. Not sorry about it. So, basically, just being together.
There you have it! Cheers to FIVE YEARS! Here are a few photos from this weekend's anniversary adventures:
The Best Part of Marriage
In the months following our nuptials, I remember running into dear friends from college we hadn't seen since graduation, or older folks in...
In the months following our nuptials, I remember running into dear friends from college we hadn't seen since graduation, or older folks in our church home, or any numbers of people who would ask us,
"What's the best part about being married, so far?"
At the time, I remember rattling on about how great it was to learn how to live together, how it was the best feeling to finally get home to them after a long day at work (which reminds me - go read my post on why I'm so glad we didn't live together before marriage!), and how it felt like such an adventure to keep growing as an individual but with someone else by your side to witness it.
Though I still know and love the beauty of those sentiments, each season and year of marriage has consistently brought about new waves of "the best part."
I'm not sure if there's any one thing I could pick out anymore.
Would it be...
Trying new foods together?
Cooking crazy things?
Exploring new neighborhoods or cities?
Traveling?
Laughing over the most ridiculous inside jokes?
Waking up to one another, and kissing each other goodnight?
The fact that our personal space bubbles are practically nonexistant around each other anymore?
That bodily functions still manage to crack us up?
That our dog has become a shared joy and hilarious comic relief?
The weird, secret nicknames we have for one another?
The fact that our shared faith plays such a huge role in how we make decisions and see the world through a different lens?
The way intimacy changes and how beautiful that gift is in marriage?
How we constantly bond over something new? (currently, our love for homemade bread)
The way your dreams and hopes as couple change or adapt to each circumstance?
How we've learned to love each other more fiercely and more deeply with each passing day?
How we've learned that the work required for marriage is best done with laughter and patience?
...and on and on...
If someone were to ask me right this second, what the best part of marriage is, I don't think any one answer could suffice. I've mentioned in numerous other posts, how marriage has wrapped up in its core, so many tiny pieces.
Honesty, trust, patience, kindness, respect, laughter, communication, love, faith, etc...
The best part of marriage, to me, is the part where you realize the privilege you've been given to love and cherish someone for the rest of their life. That God is part of every moment, every trial, and every triumph. The best part is knowing, full-well, that this person may disappoint you as much as you might disappoint them, but that you are each given the same amount of grace and forgiveness by Christ, and you have the freedom to forgive and forgive and forgive (because you'll need it too).
The best part isn't just one part. It's a million tiny little parts. The part where you wake up and hug each other tight and make coffee. The part where one of you is grumpy, and the other one can cheer you up. The part where your crazy, soap-boxey rants are safe from the ears of anyone else, and your spouse validates your thoughts (but makes sure you know you're crazy). The part where you spend a whole day giving the cold shoulder about something stupid, and then three days later forget why you spent a whole day not talking. It's the part where you remember that your marriage was there before babies, and will be there when those babies move away, so it needs nurturing and affection through every dirty diaper and parent-teacher conference. The part where you do something really little - like bring them a glass of water without being asked - and give them a grateful smile of thanks for going out of there way just the tiniest bit for you. The best part is knowing what they'll order, or ordering your meal just so you can try each other's food (and maybe even switch plates). It's knowing that through every season, there will be a new one. That your spouse may change, and you have the privilege to watch it happen and change and adapt along with them, as they will for you. It's sacrifice and remembering that selfishness got checked at the altar (or before!).
Marriage with Christ at the center is the best part. Because only there will you have level ground when things get shaky (because you better believe my peak-and-valley emotions can get the best of me).
The best parts of marriage look different from one couple to the next. What are yours?
Our Wedding Was Plan B
Recently I shared this post on my Facebook page about our beautiful morning wedding and brunch reception. It was a gorgeous, picturesque day...
Recently I shared this post on my Facebook page about our beautiful morning wedding and brunch reception. It was a gorgeous, picturesque day with an intimate guest list, but it was actually our Plan B.
Originally, we planned to elope!
Tom and I got engaged late in the summer after our college graduation. We were the last children to get married in each of our families, and several of our siblings and others who had been married for a while would often tell us "Just elope! Skip the whole big wedding, save the money, and just get married!"
Well, for once, we thought we'd listen. Though we were the party animals of our friend groups in school, when it came down to it, we just wanted to be married. We didn't need the day to revolve around us, we didn't need a great big party with lots of booze and gifts... we just wanted to be husband and wife.
This, of course, came as a shocker to our family and friends (the few that we told), but after having stood up in so many weddings when money was tight, and traveling to dozens of weddings over the course of two years, we thought we'd be different. We'd save people the hassle, the money, and the travel. We'd tell our parents the plan (even have them at the intimate ceremony), hire a photographer to take normal wedding photos, and then jet off on a honeymoon. Upon our arrival back home, we'd send out surprise announcements of our marriage (which wouldn't be all that surprising since everyone knew we were engaged) with a photo of our elopement, and invite everyone to a reception/party on an upcoming date with a casual, sweet, fun setting.
This plan (to us) was ultra romantic, surprising, happy, and unique. It felt very us. It was unpredictable, off the beaten path, and exciting!
In the end, we realized not everyone saw it that way. We completely understood the feelings of our loved ones and were happy with our Plan B, but boy... don't let anyone tell you a wedding is about you! Haha!
Our Plan B wedding was perfect too. We were engaged for eight months and had our reception at a stunning historic Villa overlooking Lake Michigan in Milwaukee. I'm glad we shared it with family and our closest friends and chose a brunch reception over a party till midnight... not because we aren't the type to dance till our feet fall off (because we definitely are), but because in the end, this union was between God, Tom, and me... yet I know it meant a lot to those who were there to witness it.
If you want to know the truth though? I'd still choose Plan A ;)
Four Years Married
Well... that went fast! Sometimes I feel like those double digit anniversaries will come on so quick, but at the same time feel like forever...
Well... that went fast! Sometimes I feel like those double digit anniversaries will come on so quick, but at the same time feel like forever (in a good way) - anyone else sense that?
What can I say? Year four has been one of the happiest and hardest years of our marriage. We've been stretched and challenged, yet loved more fiercely and more sincerely than ever. We have faced hard trials before (as every relationship does at some point) but the trial we've been facing this year has dug deep and brought us closer than ever. I truly believe that trials that any individual faces (let alone a couple) can either strengthen them or break them into pieces. In our case, it's strengthened us, but that's really due to the faith we have in Christ. He has a plan for us, and though it's not the plan we had envisioned, it will be crafted and perfected by our Maker.
Aside from our ongoing trial. I am so incredibly thankful that our marriage itself has remained happy, healthy, and as rich as ever in friendship and love. We've renovated a house, visited family, had family and friends visit us, spent so many waking hours together, welcomed the sweetest puppy into our lives, and pursued our dreams and hobbies side by side. This year has been slower, and one where we've felt settled and content. We all need seasons like that, don't we? Though as two restless souls, we will probably get the itch to "go" soon - ha!
It's hard to believe we've been married longer than a four year college stint. That we've witnessed each other grow from naive, young, college ruffians to naive, young, grown-ups. We've developed new opinions based on new perspectives. We've disagreed and agreed over and over. We've had deep, intellectual conversations, followed by the most ridiculous outbursts you ever did hear. We've adventured together, dreamed up a future together, experienced new things, and tried so many new foods. Maybe it's time to try some WORKOUTS this year - haha! We've learned so much about each other, and how to love more deeply than ever before.
As always, more than anything, I am so grateful for our friendship. One that includes so, so, soooo much laughing. Where sass is prevalent and sarcasm overflows. Where driving each other crazy is not a negative thing, but something we embrace and cherish because it makes life interesting. It's a friendship filled with car-ride duets, long talks (rants) about anything, and spontaneous adventures.
Tom and I are more similar than we are different and neither of us would have it any other way. Our stubbornness is perhaps a major fault in that regard, but we handle it the way we handle everything... with a sassy retort and a smack on the bum. Clears that mulish nature right up. I know you think I'm kidding, but I'm definitely not, and there is certainly a lot of laughing and forgetting about whatever it was we were being stubborn about!
Thomas truly is the love of my life, and I am so incredibly blessed to be the one who gets to spend every day with him and be by his side. He makes me a better person and still loves me amidst my inevitable faults and failures. Over four years (well, six actually) my love for him has grown immensely. He is patient (at least with me - haha), thoughtful, oh-so-handsome, and loves Jesus more than me. He is smart, witty, creative, and works hard. He's unapologetically opinionated and dramatic (another trait we both have ample amounts of) and loves to learn. He makes me feel beautiful and beloved and reminds me of this constantly. He is the man that I never dreamed of marrying, but who God knew was just right for me.
Happy four years, my Thomas. I am so blessed to be your wife, and I can't wait for many more years that feel like forever with you. In the words of Leslie and Ben: I love you and I like you.
A Letter to Christians in the Dating World
Dear Christians in the dating world,
I know sometimes it seems rough and the pickings are slim. I know it seems like every person you meet...
Dear Christians in the dating world,
I know sometimes it seems rough and the pickings are slim. I know it seems like every person you meet seems super awesome until they tell you they have a collection of glass-encased Furbies. I know it seems like either someone is too "holier than thou" or too lacking in any sort of conviction. I know finding men who believe in being the leaders of their families and providers for their homes is not only hard to find, but somehow frowned upon in today's society. I know finding women who are willing to fulfill a supportive role is also hard to find and again, somewhat frowned upon.
But friends, don't give up. Don't let go of those ideals. Know that God's timeless plan for marriage and each role is truly unique and expertly planned. God will not require you to settle, but He may require you to forgive. Well definitely, actually, because we are all in need of forgiveness.
Look for those men who hold the door for you, pick up the check, and walk you to the door. Not because you couldn't do any of those things yourself, but because it gives you a glimpse into the sort of man he is. If he's a man that respects you (and all women) and puts you and your safety above his own, he's a man worth getting to know. As a woman who was once well-known for her independent demeanor and "no need of a man" mentality, I can assure you it's the men who insist on taking care of you for two or three measly hours on a date that prove to also be the men who will take care of you for life. Sometimes I think women believe chivalry, or the "role of the man" is about providing a roof over your head or food to eat, but it's so much more than that. It's providing you with emotional security and a safe place for you to break down into a million pieces or get so excited you could scream. It's about making sure all your needs are met before his own. It's an unselfish love and the farthest thing from the idea of him lording over you with his mighty fist. It's a love that protects, encourages, and cherishes.
Look for those women who stick to their convictions. Who are gracious to others, rich in spirit, and receptive to your gestures of respect toward her. Strong women recognize strong men, and strong women also recognize men with hidden agendas. They know their worth, and have standards that respectful men and God's Word have set for them. They do not settle for 'boys' and have a character that speaks louder than any outfit they wear or amount of makeup they put on. Women who model the role of "the helper" and the support, know that it's not a role that means cowardice or suppression. They know this role to be one of great value. One that requires strength of heart, patience, and unselfish sacrifice. They love fiercely, set examples of strength and dignity, and respect their spouse as much as he respects her.
The media shows us examples of dating in the world today, and it personally makes me cringe. Though I've been married nearly four years, dating in the last decade was hard. It was a world filled with the need for validation. It was trying to fit into the mold of what someone wanted instead of who God calls you to be. It was making excuses for the poor behaviors of others and giving up too much of oneself in hopes of a deeper return on investment. It was doting on someone in hopes they'd "owe" you a little something on the side. It was men acting like boys, and women acting like girls. It was a world fraught with emptiness and little respect for common sense treatment of one human to another. It was shallow wanderings of people with no respect for themselves, and therefore little to dole out.
But there is hope, friends. There are people out there who value the same things and are waiting for you (in more ways than one). God has a plan for them, and for you. I encourage you to pray for your future spouse. Dig deep into God's Word. Be patient, grow strong in spirit and convictions, be open minded, forgiving, and content in God's plan for you in this moment. You may find yourself feeling lost or lonely, but remember that these things often come from the most unexpected places, or the places right under our noses. In the meantime, go out confidently into the world and let God's light shine forth through you. It's a light that some will recognize more clearly than others, but regardless of who may see it, you'll know where your joy and your confidence is based. Not in any thing, or person, or place, but on the sure foundation that is Christ.
Little Ways Your Spouse Is Loving You Without Saying It
You know how sometimes we have a tendency to get so caught up in a routine or so unbalanced in our busy schedules we stop noticing the moments in between?
What I mean, are the moments when you aren't kissing, saying "I love you," bringing home flowers, going on a date, etc... those are all pretty clear moments of affection and ways we can show love to our spouse. I mean the moments when we're caught up in our own little bubble, slightly oblivious to what's going on in the other room or even right next to us.
Here a few moments maybe you're missing amidst the busyness, but are certainly little ways "I love you" is being said without actually saying it. Maybe some of them are even annoying to you, but take a minute and think of something they do or say that might just have a sweeter meaning!
- They tell you to drive safe.
- They message you out of nowhere to see how your day is.
- They get you a glass of water for your bedside table while you brush your teeth.
- They take baby/pet duty for the evening/morning/entire day.
- They cook you dinner - maybe even one of your favorites.
- They clean up the kitchen after a meal.
- They take care of the finances every week.
- They pick up dinner on their way home.
- They fix the leaky faucet or clogged drain (and you never even noticed!)
- They do all the laundry and make sure your bedding is always fresh.
- They tell you how handsome/beautiful you are every morning - before you've hardly opened your eyes to wake up.
- They pass on compliments others have shared about you.
- They give you a back-rub just because.
- They clean up your side of the bedroom/sink/etc...
- They surprise you for a midweek lunch date.
- They take a day off to help you with something.
- They tell you to let them know when you get to your destination.
- They always, always hug you when they greet you at the beginning or end of a day apart.
- They send you links to things that you'd like (or they like and just want to share with you!)
- They wait to watch that show with you.
- They hold your hand in the car.
- They give you that sweet look of admiration or one that says "you're hot and I love you."
- They tell you they're proud of you and appreciate you.
- They speak well of you around others.
- They drive a little slower, just for you ;)
- They bring you home a bottle of wine/beer/whatever.
- They always make sure there's coffee for you in the morning.
- They make sure you know how important you are to them.
- They take turns reading a book aloud with you.
- They keep your car in good shape and gas filled up.
- They fix your buggy phone or computer.
- They wait to have dinner with you - even though they're starving!
- They make you something (sewing, building furniture, DIY house project, etc...).
- They give you their jacket.
- They let you have the last bite of dessert.
- They drive you (I take this for granted all the time! I love my chauffeur!).
- They play with the kids so you have time for yourself.
- They encourage you to do what you love.
- They support you, right alongside you in your faith.
- They pray for you.
- They know your favorites and style and you could trust them to order you a drink, entree, pair of shoes, piece of furniture, whatever, without worrying about their choice.
- They know the temperatures you're most comfortable in the car, outside, etc...
- They keep trips organized and efficient.
- They clean up the dog poop.
- They ask you if you need anything from the kitchen before they come sit down.
- They take their shoes off before tracking all over the house.
- They listen to your boring work stories.
- They notice your new hair-do/haircut, shaved face, new earrings, etc...
- They give you secret signals in public that say "I love you" or remind you of an inside joke.
- They do weird things just to make you laugh.
- They remember to keep the necessities for the house in stock (toilet paper!)
- They randomly order something they know you'll love and don't tell you until you open it in the mail.
- They watch the shows or movies only you like, just so they can be with you.
- They don't judge you when you're gassy - haha!!
- They help you decorate a room and hold up items on the walls for "vision."
- They hold you tight when you need to cry.
- They open jars and reach things that are too high.
- They smell nice for you.
- They take the sweetest care you when you're sick.
- They sass you in the very best ways and never stop flirting with you.
- They genuinely respect you and it shows.
- They put God and faith before you.
- They're there in a jiffy when you're in a bind.
- They let you have the favorite blanket.
- They leave their stuff in the pile of whatever room because they had to drop everything to give you a kiss.
- They take pictures of you that you hate, but they cherish because it was a real moment.
- And that even if you've been grumpy with each other, those little moments in between are still there to fill in "I love you."
Of course, this is only the tip of the iceberg, and mostly ones I could think of from our one relationship out of the millions of relationships in the world. How does your spouse "love you in between?"
The Cords of Marriage
Think of a rope. A large rope. One made out of three smaller ropes twisted together. Then look closer at those smaller, twisted ropes. They are made of strands of string. Such a rope is strong... unbreakable, even.
And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12
This verse is often used in Christian marriage ceremonies. It's incredibly fitting, isn't it?
I think of it this way. Of the three cords of a rope, one is Christ, one is the husband, and one is the wife. Christ is ever present, unchanging. That's a cord that will never break. The husband and wife? Well, their cords might start to fray. All those strings that make up their individual selves and the pieces of their marriage might get cut. Yet with Christ as the stronghold, there is hope and life. The strands may fray, but that threefold cord will remain strong and united.
I also like to look at those strings that make up one cord as the small things. It's remembering to pursue your marriage, even after a bunch of years. It's making coffee every day for your spouse, doing the dishes, not whining or rolling your eyes when they forget to do something for the millionth time. It's folding the laundry, saying thank you, kissing goodnight and good morning, planning a date night, remembering to make that appointment for them, picking up their shoes, cleaning the house, telling them they're amazing/handsome/beautiful, choosing to give them your time and attention, surprising them with a little gift, and all those little minuscule moments in between. Wound up in each cord are a bazillion tiny things.
Sometimes we're better at these things than other times - no one is perfect. Some seasons will be able to offer more attention to our marriage than others. Sometimes, one spouse will be less frayed than the other, and sometimes, they might BOTH be pretty frayed. But by working on those strands, binding them back together, trusting in Christ as the cord that binds, and doing our best to keep our rope wound tight, marriage is utterly rewarding, beautiful, and strong.
I feel my cord start to fray when I've got to much on my plate and my stress levels become unmanageable. I feel those tiny strands start to snap. It shows when I forget to give my husband a kiss when he arrives home. When the laundry doesn't get done. When we're left without groceries because I didn't have time to make a list. But when I start to fray, Tom swoops in... his strands stronger than mine for the time being. He wraps me in a hug when he walks in the door. He gets a load of laundry going. He picks up some food on his way home. And when he is frayed, I do the same for him. I make him a favorite meal and tell him to play video games for a while. I get us out of the house to grab a drink. I'll take the trash out for him.
And when we're both frayed, God's Word holds us up. He holds up regardless of who is frayed and who isn't, but it's in those times especially, that His unchanging strength and promises bind our frayed beings and make us whole... make us a united rope of three cords.
Marriage is hard. We all say it, but no one really expands because it's not hard all the time (maybe in some seasons). It's not even hard in big ways a lot of the time. It's hard in little moments, little moods, little quips, and passive aggressive tones. It's work, but it's the most beautiful work I've ever committed to. I've said it so many times, but marriage is a privilege. It is worth cherishing, worth being psyched about, worth speaking highly of, and worth all the effort to keep from fraying beyond repair. How will you keep the cords of your marriage strong and unbreakable?