Marriage vs. Marriage
"Comparison is the thief of joy" - Theodore Roosevelt
It's a quote we've all heard and we all need reminding of from time to time, don't you think? I've written about the topic of comparison before (read it here) in terms of life as a whole, but today I'm covering comparison of marriages.
I try to talk about the good, the bad, and the funny of marriage on this blog pretty equally. That being said, we live in an online world where it's so easy to fixate on the highlight reels of one another's lives.
We see the adorable pictures of various couples on social media and envy their photogenic selfies, adventurous vacations, new purchases, or exciting announcements of babies, moves, or job promotions. It can cause us to look upon our own relationship and feel less than. Sometimes the self-talk or internal struggle can sound like the following:
"They're so lucky they get to spend every waking second together while we work opposite schedules."
"Man, it must be so nice to jet off on a moment's notice to such beautiful places of the world."
"How do they afford so many date nights? And to be able to do so without kids in tow?"
"How does she look so dang good three days after giving birth? That'll never happen to me."
"Look at how he looks at her. My husband never looks at me like that anymore."
"How is it that their life plan has gone exactly the way they'd hoped?! Why is God's plan for our life so much different than we wanted?"
"Their life is so picture perfect! The house, kids, dates, trips... Man, they have it so good."
"How is it that they can get so much time off work?!"
"How does she have time to make such immaculate dinners for her family?"
"Where do they get all that time to work on personal projects?"
"How do they afford all the stuff for their house? I hate having to save and save."
Sound familiar? Gosh guys, I could go on forEVER on the topic of relationship comparisons we come across daily it seems.
But today I want to remind you, you don't know the trials of all those around you. Just as they don't know yours. Our comparison of one relationship versus our own is something sin concocts in our minds to make us feel unworthy, less than, and under-loved.
Maybe the couple you perceive as "picture perfect," looks at your life in the same way. This circle of comparison is unhealthy, unhelpful, and just ugly. Why do we do it? I say we, because I am guilty of envying particular persons quietly behind my screen too. I compare certain areas of my life to theirs and wish I could have those specific joys they experience. It causes me to begrudge my own circumstances and find unrest and ungratefulness in my very blessed, God-given life.
Now I'm not saying we should start turning our comparisons into, "But I bet his wife/her husband is really bad at _____. Or doesn't ______ like my spouse does." This sort of mindset is just as ugly, damaging, and sinful as the comparison itself. In fact, it amplifies comparison even more, don't you think? It justifies our own selfish need for self-assurance while at the same time tearing another relationship down... if even just in our own mind to "make us feel better."
That's no way to live.
And as Christians, it's not how Christ calls us to live.
"But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content." 1 Timothy 6:6-8
I chose this verse because I wanted to emphasize the importance of contentment. There are other verses on comparison (see my previous post on comparison), but I think at the very heart of comparison, we have somehow learned to dig a hole of discontent.
Let me explain what I mean by that last statement:
Think of the happiest day (with your S.O.) you've encountered. One that you simply look back on with great joy, contentment, and pleasure. Maybe it's your wedding day, a particular date night, your engagement, birth of a child, etc..
As you're thinking back on that day or that moment, do you feel discontent? It was your day. Your own special moment. Nothing compares to it because it was so unique to you, right?
Now compare your special moment/day with that of someone else. If it was your wedding day, compare it to someone else's lovely wedding, or something like that.
Do you feel a sad about your special day now?
Probably not, because your day was special to you. Others may look back on your day fondly, too, but they won't hold it in nearly the regard you do. There's simply nothing to compare with the personal elation that day or moment gave you - and that's why you thought of it in the first place. It was a moment of contentment in its purest form.
That's what I mean when I say we dig a new hole of discontent. It doesn't just appear, we let it - but you don't have to let it. Did my little exercise cause you to dig a hole of discontent in your happy moment? Well, I hope not (haha) ... but I believe the reason it didn't invoke discontent, is because you can so easily recognize that even though you are seemingly comparing the same thing, you're really not at all.
I challenge you.
Find contentment in your own. Realize that when it feels like there's so much to compare, it's your sinful mind working to dig an icky hole of discontent in your heart.
So what if your spouse doesn't cook and so-and-so's does? What does it matter to you?
Where is your personal elation in your day-to-day? Maybe your spouse gets up early to make you coffee. Maybe they do bath-time with the kids every night. Maybe they keep your gas tank full, or the laundry clean. Maybe they come home early and prioritize time with you. Maybe they work hard, long hours so they can provide a comfortable life for your family. Maybe they lead your family in prayer and devotion each day, or show selflessness to others that inspires.
Whatever it may be, find your contentment, dear friends. Remember why God brought you together and what trials you've faced and conquered. Think of the joys you've experienced that never even made it to your online 'highlight reel' and thank God for your spouse... for the friendship, love, faithfulness, and humility that marriage teaches us. There is no such thing as marriage vs. marriage comparisons, my friends, because each is so unique - thankfully so. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
All my personal wedding photos are credited to James Saleska Photography
Nothing to Compare
What is there to compare in this life, really? Bodies? Budgets? Belongings? Business? I'm rolling with the B's.
But really.
Think of all the genetic mixtures of each and every person on this earth. Think of the differing skill sets and minds. Think of the values that differ from one person to the next. Think of the freckles, scars, shapes, and hearts of the bodies that carry each marvelous soul. Think of the unique, God-given capabilities of the people around you.
Now what is there to compare?
Answer: There is nothing to compare.
Isn't that the beauty in this life? That even in all the similarities and commonalities that we find with those around us, we still have nothing by which to hold one another up to and say "Ugh, I wish I had your _____."
Comparing brings with it conceit, envy, or covetousness. It's ugly and sinful and rears its head with insecurities and self righteousness. And for what? So that every now and then you can find comfort in the fact that you don't have to live the rotten life of your neighbor? Or so that you can look at your life in all its messes and flaws and wish you had the body, skills, and budget of your other neighbor?
Friends, leave room for inspiration instead of envy. For humility and generosity instead of conceit. For confidence and content instead of covetousness. The second nature we have to make split-second comparisons can be broken. It's a lifelong habit many of us have unknowingly contracted. But like so many habits or addictions, we can break it. Not without failures and slip-ups, of course, but by diminishing our susceptibility to its constant stream and crippling effects, we can find freedom.
We can celebrate the joys and triumphs of others, gain satisfaction and gratefulness for the life God has given us, and turn our comparisons into a platform of thankfulness and praise for our lives and the lives of others.
The path God sets before each of us differs immensely from one to the next and leaves no room for comparison. He says it best in a couple of verses:
Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.
2 Corinthians 10:12
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2
Not only do the materialist things of this earth not matter, but by comparing one another based on the things of this earth, we're making ourselves out to be complete fools.
From those verses, I get a vision in my head of a situation I've witnessed many times over. Working in daycares, I would watch two or three children playing peaceably together, until suddenly, one particular toy became the apple of all their eyes. It didn't matter if there was a toy that was exactly the same nearby... it was the color of that particular one that had them all clambering, yanking, and screaming to have it. As their teacher, I tried to remind them of sharing, and did my best to help them see that the only thing they were fighting about was a color. But it made no difference, because in comparison, nothing matched the draw of that green one.
Eventually, the toy would be taken away all together while they all three whined and cried, and I'd roll my eyes at how ridiculous and silly they were acting. I'm sure you read that and know full well, too, how pithy it looked.
But what do you think we're doing when we see someone's dreamy vacation on Facebook and wish we could have the same? Or when we see someone's make-up or svelte body and begrudgingly look at our imperfections? We may not have the exact same things, like the toy above, but when you take a good look at your life, I bet you can find more blessings than not.
Here's to losing the comparison game and reveling in the freedom of finding joy and inspiration instead of envy and self-pity. Here's to knowing full-well, that God's blessings are plentiful and comparing those blessings only lessens their worth.
And finally, here are some lyrics to an old favorite that suits my meaning perfectly:
When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings