Loving Your Spouse Amidst A Busy Season
We've all been there.
When the days and weeks are busy and only get busier. Maybe there are kids in tow or maybe your work hours go late and your projects build up. Maybe you're in a constant state of driving from one thing to the next and hardly have a moment to yourself, and when you finally do, giving that time to your spouse can feel like just another thing. Another cumbersome addition to an already hectic schedule.
But showing love to your spouse shouldn't have a resting place on the backburner. Marriage takes work and consistent affection... and I don't mean affection in the grandiose gestures of the word. You don't need to make a candlelight dinner three times a week and give each other gifts several times a month. It's in the little things, little moments, and little actions that can show your spouse you're thinking about them and their needs more often than they know.
In a recent conversation with my husband on this topic he said,
"I like getting loved by small gestures. Not to say big ones aren't great, but small ones are almost more considerate. It's almost like saying "I love you so much I'm willing to try to make even the smallest thing better for you." Like, even THAT much. But not many people are willing to inconvenience themselves to make someone else's life barely more convenient and you have to really know someone in order to know just exactly how to make their day a little better."
I love how he explained this phenomenon so simply. From his last statement, we discussed how amazing it is to have the privilege of being the one who really knows how to love someone in the little ways. So from our home to yours.....
Here are a few ways you can love your spouse amidst a busy season:
1. Take one of their errands for them
It doesn't have to be anything major. But if you've heard them mention all the places they need to go and for what items, maybe you could swing by one of those places on your way home from work and save them a trip or two.
2. Get their day started right
Are they always the ones making coffee and getting lunches prepared? Beat them to the task.
3. Give the living areas a once over
Pick up and fold blankets, put away toys, and sweep up the kitchen... all without them knowing until morning comes around and they notice the sweet gesture. Apparently Tom randomly sweeps the kitchen without me ever knowing, just so it's one house task I don't even have to think about or notice needs attention. Ummm heart eyes for days!! (He just admitted this to me as we talked about this topic).
4. Choose a show or movie they love, even if you don't
Of course it's nice to watch shows together that you both enjoy, but sometimes it's just nice to watch one of your personal favorites at the urging of your spouse... with your spouse.
5. Tidy up what's "theirs"
Again, such a little thing, but picking up their shoes, cleaning up their bedside table that's gathered receipts galore, and staying on top of the laundry for their sake instead of just yours shows a lot of love, care, and respect.
6. Hide things around the house you know they'll find
Like little fun-sized candies, a love note (or in our case, a note with something sassy written on it), some cash for a drink at Starbucks, upcoming tickets to a movie or show, etc...
Hide them in places they'll definitely look. Like in a makeup drawer, next to their deodorant, inside their laptop/briefcase, on their car seat, etc... Tom did this one morning during our renovation, and it had me giggling so hard every time I opened up a cabinet or looked inside a box of drawers and found a mini Kit-Kat!
7. Keep your mouth shut
Sometimes it's easy to play the nag... and both the person nagging, and the one being nagged get sick of hearing it. It can be so loving to just clean up a mess they made without saying anything about it. Even when that little mess drives you up a WALL because you see it happen daily. By keeping quiet, you're giving them some room to breathe and make mistakes. It inconvenienced you, but sometimes you inconvenience him/her too. We're all human!
8. Give them some quality "veg time."
I imagine this would be an especially loving gesture with kids in the mix. Let them hang out alone and play video games, peruse Pinterest, or watch their favorite show uninterrupted.
9. Make their favorite
Cooking up their favorite meal, even if it's one that takes you forever, is an easy way to put their needs above yours and show them you care.
10. Send them a photo
Did you come across something in your day that made you laugh or think of them? Snap a photo and let them know! It's one of the fun parts of living in a tech-y world.
11. Tell them to go do something they enjoy
Maybe that means shopping, getting their hair or nails done, going to a cigar bar, buying that new tool... or what about trying that brewery or restaurant they really want to check out, but you don't? Give them the "okay" on some splurges they don't often give themselves.
12. Compliment them
Sometimes it's so easy to go through a day with the person you live with and forget to acknowledge all the little things they do. Or forget to tell them how smokin' hot they are. Or how much they amaze you with their talents and smarts. If anyone in your life on earth deserves your praise, it's the person you walk through life with each day. And they really ought to hear it... maybe they know, but something about hearing those things out loud can really hit your soft spot.
13. Hug it out
Again, so sooooo simple. But giving them a squeeze and a smooch before parting ways in the morning, and upon coming home, and everything in between... is good for the heart and soul.
14. Pray for them
This one tops the list. What better way to love your spouse than to thank the Creator for them every day!!
What would you add?
Stop Treating Marriage Like Damaged Goods
During our engagement Tom and I heard it all:
- Why are you getting married so young? What's the rush?
- I got married right out of college and we got divorced shortly after. We were young and dumb.
- Marriage gets boring after the honeymoon stage.
- Wait till you have kids.. good luck making time for each other.
- Oye - have fun living with a man-child.
- After you get married, you'll realize how annoying that person really is.
- Marriage is more work than you realize.
After we got married it continued:
- How long have you been married? Two years? The honeymoon stage is almost over!
- Enjoy dates now, when you have kids that all ends.
- It's cute how you two always hold hands - it doesn't last long, enjoy it!
- You'll understand when the honeymoon stage ends.
- I wish MY husband held the door for ME...
Why do we batter marriage the way that we do? Why don't we lift it up and speak well of it?
I would hear these phrases thrown at us in the height of our elatement to be married and easily brush them off with the warm-fuzzies I felt for my husband. It's funny, though, the things that crop back up in retrospect. Why didn't these people offer words of encouragement and blessings? Of course, many did offer loving gestures and congratulations... but why were they sometimes followed up with words of distaste and annoyance with the institution of marriage?
We all have experiences of our own, and each of us wants to offer advice when a moment arises that it may seem useful. But why not advice that offers the bad with the good?
Marriage is hard work, they were right... but it is so much more than that.
Marriage is...
true
noble
right
pure
lovely
admirable
excellent
...it is worthy of praise.
Sound familiar? From Phillippians 4:8.
Of course, it doesn't always look like those things... of course, of course, of course. We are two sinners and have definitely hit some awful trials. Those that go into marriage with such high expectations of their happiness being dependent on this one person, and who believe love without honeymoon-like elation is not love, are deeply fooled. Thomas and I married for the right reasons and at the time when we were ready (to answer why we got married 'so young').
I remember going to a resort to surprise my mom for her birthday, about a year after we got married. The majority of my siblings, their spouses, and children were able to go, and we all spent the daytime at the several indoor waterparks in the resort (it was in Wisconsin, obviously). Tom and I had been on all the fun, rowdy rides and had been making sure nieces and nephews didn't capsize in the wave pool. We decided to take a break and float the lazy river in a two person tube. We talked, people-watched, laughed, and gave back rubs to each other. As a young mom floated by, she asked, "Are you two newlyweds?" to which we simply nodded, smiled, and referenced our wedding a year before. This stranger's question was meant sweetly and I appreciated that she noticed our happy demeanor as a couple.
And then... I made up a challenge.
"Tom," I said, "let's always fool people into thinking we're newlyweds. I don't care if we have kids or if we're tired and annoyed with each other. Or even if we're 65. Will you promise to always have fun with me like a giddy newlywed? Hold my hand no matter what. Make it a point to sit next to one another at social gatherings. Even when there's squirmy kids, let's put each other first." and he agreed.
You see, so often marriage is kicked to the curb. By the unmarried and married alike. It's joked about and poked and prodded with this overarching, impending end to happiness. As if once the rings have been exchanged, you'll find out that it's a big hoax and you actually become super miserable.
But friends, don't buy it.
Stand up for marriage and the gift that it is. It's a promise to hold someone in high regards as your companion and friend for life. Don't berate the man you married and call him a drooling slob in front of others. Speak well of him. Don't turn your wife into a control-psycho-maniac when you're talking to the guys. Lift up her strengths and poise.
Currently, I'm reading the first of Mindy Kaling's books called, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me. Mostly it's a funny memoir of her life, experiences, and opinions. She is living in the Hollywood realm, but her views on marriage are traditional, and when she wrote about it in one chapter it made me proud to read her book. The chapter was titled "Married People Need to Step It Up." In it, she references the countless divorcees she is acquainted with, and how so many people around her are ruining the good things about marriage for her. She goes on to talk about the marriages she admires, like that of her parents, who's friendship is what chalks them up as a great couple.
Then, she speaks well of marriage. Here are some snippets:
"I want to hear that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat... I want to hear about it, because I know it's possible, and because I want it for myself. ...part of me still thinks, is it really so hard to make it work? ...And I'm not saying marriage should always be easy. But we seem to get so gloomily worked up about it these days.
Married people, it's up to you. It's entirely on your shoulders to keep this sinking institution afloat. It's a stately old ship, and a lot of people, like me, want to get on board. Please be psyched, and convey that psychedness to us. And always remember: so many, many people are envious of what you have."
When I read that very last sentence, I knew I had to write this post. Mindy is a single woman. When married people talk so begrudgingly about marriage, people like Mindy hear it and think to themselves "How could you say that? You wake up to a great person every day!" Maybe it was just me (I don't think it was), but in college I used to always envy the sweet relationships around me. I actually watched people meet and date their future spouses and I loved seeing it happen. But I wanted it too. I would think about and pray for my future husband. By God's grace and blessing, I did meet that man in college. Not everyone gets that so early in life and Tom and I make it a habit to be grateful for each other every day.
The next time you find yourself in a group of women and they're all insinuating that their spouses are slobbering idiots, stand up for yours and build him up. When the other men are talking about 'their old lady' who's got them on a tight leash, tell them how much your lady rocks. Make it a habit to do the little things you stopped doing after 'the newlywed stage.' Don't just flip out the light and roll over to sleep... say goodnight, cuddle, talk about the best parts of your day. Pick up your spouse's favorite candy to have during 'your show' once the kids are in bed - and when your kids beg to have some when they see it in the pantry, say no! Make it a point to sit next to your spouse during social get-togethers. Appreciate, cherish, and prioritize that person.
When you see another young couple about to say their vows, lift them up in prayer. Tell them how wonderful marriage is... even after a whole bunch of years. Give them solid advice for making marriage a little easier when the going gets tough. Challenge them to drag the honeymoon stage out for their lifetime, instead of talking about its impending doom. Be an example of the joy and privilege of being married to the love of your life.
Stand up for marriage, friends. Speak well of it. Put the very best construction on the gift you have, that others are praying for. Be psyched about it, because it is sooooo worth being psyched about.