The Best Part of Marriage
In the months following our nuptials, I remember running into dear friends from college we hadn't seen since graduation, or older folks in...
In the months following our nuptials, I remember running into dear friends from college we hadn't seen since graduation, or older folks in our church home, or any numbers of people who would ask us,
"What's the best part about being married, so far?"
At the time, I remember rattling on about how great it was to learn how to live together, how it was the best feeling to finally get home to them after a long day at work (which reminds me - go read my post on why I'm so glad we didn't live together before marriage!), and how it felt like such an adventure to keep growing as an individual but with someone else by your side to witness it.
Though I still know and love the beauty of those sentiments, each season and year of marriage has consistently brought about new waves of "the best part."
I'm not sure if there's any one thing I could pick out anymore.
Would it be...
Trying new foods together?
Cooking crazy things?
Exploring new neighborhoods or cities?
Traveling?
Laughing over the most ridiculous inside jokes?
Waking up to one another, and kissing each other goodnight?
The fact that our personal space bubbles are practically nonexistant around each other anymore?
That bodily functions still manage to crack us up?
That our dog has become a shared joy and hilarious comic relief?
The weird, secret nicknames we have for one another?
The fact that our shared faith plays such a huge role in how we make decisions and see the world through a different lens?
The way intimacy changes and how beautiful that gift is in marriage?
How we constantly bond over something new? (currently, our love for homemade bread)
The way your dreams and hopes as couple change or adapt to each circumstance?
How we've learned to love each other more fiercely and more deeply with each passing day?
How we've learned that the work required for marriage is best done with laughter and patience?
...and on and on...
If someone were to ask me right this second, what the best part of marriage is, I don't think any one answer could suffice. I've mentioned in numerous other posts, how marriage has wrapped up in its core, so many tiny pieces.
Honesty, trust, patience, kindness, respect, laughter, communication, love, faith, etc...
The best part of marriage, to me, is the part where you realize the privilege you've been given to love and cherish someone for the rest of their life. That God is part of every moment, every trial, and every triumph. The best part is knowing, full-well, that this person may disappoint you as much as you might disappoint them, but that you are each given the same amount of grace and forgiveness by Christ, and you have the freedom to forgive and forgive and forgive (because you'll need it too).
The best part isn't just one part. It's a million tiny little parts. The part where you wake up and hug each other tight and make coffee. The part where one of you is grumpy, and the other one can cheer you up. The part where your crazy, soap-boxey rants are safe from the ears of anyone else, and your spouse validates your thoughts (but makes sure you know you're crazy). The part where you spend a whole day giving the cold shoulder about something stupid, and then three days later forget why you spent a whole day not talking. It's the part where you remember that your marriage was there before babies, and will be there when those babies move away, so it needs nurturing and affection through every dirty diaper and parent-teacher conference. The part where you do something really little - like bring them a glass of water without being asked - and give them a grateful smile of thanks for going out of there way just the tiniest bit for you. The best part is knowing what they'll order, or ordering your meal just so you can try each other's food (and maybe even switch plates). It's knowing that through every season, there will be a new one. That your spouse may change, and you have the privilege to watch it happen and change and adapt along with them, as they will for you. It's sacrifice and remembering that selfishness got checked at the altar (or before!).
Marriage with Christ at the center is the best part. Because only there will you have level ground when things get shaky (because you better believe my peak-and-valley emotions can get the best of me).
The best parts of marriage look different from one couple to the next. What are yours?
The Cords of Marriage
Think of a rope. A large rope. One made out of three smaller ropes twisted together. Then look closer at those smaller, twisted ropes. They are made of strands of string. Such a rope is strong... unbreakable, even.
And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12
This verse is often used in Christian marriage ceremonies. It's incredibly fitting, isn't it?
I think of it this way. Of the three cords of a rope, one is Christ, one is the husband, and one is the wife. Christ is ever present, unchanging. That's a cord that will never break. The husband and wife? Well, their cords might start to fray. All those strings that make up their individual selves and the pieces of their marriage might get cut. Yet with Christ as the stronghold, there is hope and life. The strands may fray, but that threefold cord will remain strong and united.
I also like to look at those strings that make up one cord as the small things. It's remembering to pursue your marriage, even after a bunch of years. It's making coffee every day for your spouse, doing the dishes, not whining or rolling your eyes when they forget to do something for the millionth time. It's folding the laundry, saying thank you, kissing goodnight and good morning, planning a date night, remembering to make that appointment for them, picking up their shoes, cleaning the house, telling them they're amazing/handsome/beautiful, choosing to give them your time and attention, surprising them with a little gift, and all those little minuscule moments in between. Wound up in each cord are a bazillion tiny things.
Sometimes we're better at these things than other times - no one is perfect. Some seasons will be able to offer more attention to our marriage than others. Sometimes, one spouse will be less frayed than the other, and sometimes, they might BOTH be pretty frayed. But by working on those strands, binding them back together, trusting in Christ as the cord that binds, and doing our best to keep our rope wound tight, marriage is utterly rewarding, beautiful, and strong.
I feel my cord start to fray when I've got to much on my plate and my stress levels become unmanageable. I feel those tiny strands start to snap. It shows when I forget to give my husband a kiss when he arrives home. When the laundry doesn't get done. When we're left without groceries because I didn't have time to make a list. But when I start to fray, Tom swoops in... his strands stronger than mine for the time being. He wraps me in a hug when he walks in the door. He gets a load of laundry going. He picks up some food on his way home. And when he is frayed, I do the same for him. I make him a favorite meal and tell him to play video games for a while. I get us out of the house to grab a drink. I'll take the trash out for him.
And when we're both frayed, God's Word holds us up. He holds up regardless of who is frayed and who isn't, but it's in those times especially, that His unchanging strength and promises bind our frayed beings and make us whole... make us a united rope of three cords.
Marriage is hard. We all say it, but no one really expands because it's not hard all the time (maybe in some seasons). It's not even hard in big ways a lot of the time. It's hard in little moments, little moods, little quips, and passive aggressive tones. It's work, but it's the most beautiful work I've ever committed to. I've said it so many times, but marriage is a privilege. It is worth cherishing, worth being psyched about, worth speaking highly of, and worth all the effort to keep from fraying beyond repair. How will you keep the cords of your marriage strong and unbreakable?
Be sure and visit my marriage category for more like this!
Marriage vs. Marriage
"Comparison is the thief of joy" - Theodore Roosevelt
It's a quote we've all heard and we all need reminding of from time to time, don't you think? I've written about the topic of comparison before (read it here) in terms of life as a whole, but today I'm covering comparison of marriages.
I try to talk about the good, the bad, and the funny of marriage on this blog pretty equally. That being said, we live in an online world where it's so easy to fixate on the highlight reels of one another's lives.
We see the adorable pictures of various couples on social media and envy their photogenic selfies, adventurous vacations, new purchases, or exciting announcements of babies, moves, or job promotions. It can cause us to look upon our own relationship and feel less than. Sometimes the self-talk or internal struggle can sound like the following:
"They're so lucky they get to spend every waking second together while we work opposite schedules."
"Man, it must be so nice to jet off on a moment's notice to such beautiful places of the world."
"How do they afford so many date nights? And to be able to do so without kids in tow?"
"How does she look so dang good three days after giving birth? That'll never happen to me."
"Look at how he looks at her. My husband never looks at me like that anymore."
"How is it that their life plan has gone exactly the way they'd hoped?! Why is God's plan for our life so much different than we wanted?"
"Their life is so picture perfect! The house, kids, dates, trips... Man, they have it so good."
"How is it that they can get so much time off work?!"
"How does she have time to make such immaculate dinners for her family?"
"Where do they get all that time to work on personal projects?"
"How do they afford all the stuff for their house? I hate having to save and save."
Sound familiar? Gosh guys, I could go on forEVER on the topic of relationship comparisons we come across daily it seems.
But today I want to remind you, you don't know the trials of all those around you. Just as they don't know yours. Our comparison of one relationship versus our own is something sin concocts in our minds to make us feel unworthy, less than, and under-loved.
Maybe the couple you perceive as "picture perfect," looks at your life in the same way. This circle of comparison is unhealthy, unhelpful, and just ugly. Why do we do it? I say we, because I am guilty of envying particular persons quietly behind my screen too. I compare certain areas of my life to theirs and wish I could have those specific joys they experience. It causes me to begrudge my own circumstances and find unrest and ungratefulness in my very blessed, God-given life.
Now I'm not saying we should start turning our comparisons into, "But I bet his wife/her husband is really bad at _____. Or doesn't ______ like my spouse does." This sort of mindset is just as ugly, damaging, and sinful as the comparison itself. In fact, it amplifies comparison even more, don't you think? It justifies our own selfish need for self-assurance while at the same time tearing another relationship down... if even just in our own mind to "make us feel better."
That's no way to live.
And as Christians, it's not how Christ calls us to live.
"But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content." 1 Timothy 6:6-8
I chose this verse because I wanted to emphasize the importance of contentment. There are other verses on comparison (see my previous post on comparison), but I think at the very heart of comparison, we have somehow learned to dig a hole of discontent.
Let me explain what I mean by that last statement:
Think of the happiest day (with your S.O.) you've encountered. One that you simply look back on with great joy, contentment, and pleasure. Maybe it's your wedding day, a particular date night, your engagement, birth of a child, etc..
As you're thinking back on that day or that moment, do you feel discontent? It was your day. Your own special moment. Nothing compares to it because it was so unique to you, right?
Now compare your special moment/day with that of someone else. If it was your wedding day, compare it to someone else's lovely wedding, or something like that.
Do you feel a sad about your special day now?
Probably not, because your day was special to you. Others may look back on your day fondly, too, but they won't hold it in nearly the regard you do. There's simply nothing to compare with the personal elation that day or moment gave you - and that's why you thought of it in the first place. It was a moment of contentment in its purest form.
That's what I mean when I say we dig a new hole of discontent. It doesn't just appear, we let it - but you don't have to let it. Did my little exercise cause you to dig a hole of discontent in your happy moment? Well, I hope not (haha) ... but I believe the reason it didn't invoke discontent, is because you can so easily recognize that even though you are seemingly comparing the same thing, you're really not at all.
I challenge you.
Find contentment in your own. Realize that when it feels like there's so much to compare, it's your sinful mind working to dig an icky hole of discontent in your heart.
So what if your spouse doesn't cook and so-and-so's does? What does it matter to you?
Where is your personal elation in your day-to-day? Maybe your spouse gets up early to make you coffee. Maybe they do bath-time with the kids every night. Maybe they keep your gas tank full, or the laundry clean. Maybe they come home early and prioritize time with you. Maybe they work hard, long hours so they can provide a comfortable life for your family. Maybe they lead your family in prayer and devotion each day, or show selflessness to others that inspires.
Whatever it may be, find your contentment, dear friends. Remember why God brought you together and what trials you've faced and conquered. Think of the joys you've experienced that never even made it to your online 'highlight reel' and thank God for your spouse... for the friendship, love, faithfulness, and humility that marriage teaches us. There is no such thing as marriage vs. marriage comparisons, my friends, because each is so unique - thankfully so. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
All my personal wedding photos are credited to James Saleska Photography
When Feelings Get Hurt In Marriage
You guys know I love to lift up marriage and speak well of it. Truly, it is such an immense pleasure and privilege to be with the right person till death. I mean, come on, you get to share a bed and steal each other's fries and have a smoking hot date to things for the rest of your life. It's pretty awesome.
But of course, it has its days. It's hard work, you know, staying on the same page with someone for years and years on end. So sometimes it's hard, and sometimes hurtful things get said, or someone misinterprets. Sometimes you argue because some days it just takes a little more work to get back on that steady wave-length. It's just life keeping you on your toes.
And guess what? People get hurt feelings. Whether your brother took a joke just a step too far, your friend told you your haircut looks bad, or your spouse shows a little less tact in getting a point across... feelings get hurt. For whatever reason, it can sting especially bad when it's the person closest to you in every possible way. I mean, you share a bed with them, a fridge, money, and even a bathroom. So when you want to give them the old cold shoulder, it's hard because you need them to pass you the ketchup. You can go into another room and shut them out, but what good will that do?
Let's rewind.
When I was a kid and my siblings hurt each others' feelings, my parents did one of two things: stopped us mid-brattiness and told us to stop (fizzling out the situation and the feelings that could have gone with it) or held a little intervention to mediate and get everyone back on the same page through apologies, forgiveness, and probably a hug-it-out.
Because we're adults, and our stubborn sinful natures can get the best of us, dealing with hurt feelings and forgiveness doesn't always happen as easily. There's no one there to hush someone up or clock someone's words before it's too late. There's no one there to mediate a husband and wife through a hurtful situation.
Oh wait.
Yes there is.
A forgiving Savior.
We fail Him every day. All the time. We probably hurt His feelings a whole bunch. But when we go to Him, and admit that we're the worst, and feebly ask for forgiveness we don't deserve, He gives it.
So why is it so hard to forgive our spouses sometimes? Well, because we don’t have the grace-giving, forgiving nature of Jesus. We have to work at it. And we should work at it.
For from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.
When he came and saw the grace of God, he was glad…
Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift.
(John 1:16-17, Acts:11:23a, Romans 5:20-21, Ephesians 4:7)
You see? Grace is a gift that abounds, brings gladness, and should be present especially where sin is found.
Sometimes I get the feeling that Christianity is viewed as a bunch of rigid rules to follow with no room for error. Though we are called to follow God’s law, the thing many people seem to miss, is that these laws actually offer a life filled with forgiveness, humility, love, and grace. Even happiness. We won’t follow them perfectly, of course, but that’s when we truly see how priceless God’s gift of grace is to us.
It's easy to pull the cold shoulder when our spouse hurts our feelings. We can let those sour feelings ruin our day or even our week. We can go without that ketchup, if it means we don't have to face up to our spouse and our hurt feelings (see: stubbornness)
Instead, why not recognize the freedom we have in choosing grace over grudging? Regardless of whether you're hurt, or did the hurting - the choice is up to you. The intervention to come to a resolution and a hug-it-out is mediated by the ultimate Mediator.
You are given grace upon grace, even though you're a crummy person a lot of the time (let's be real). You can give it to whomever you please. Let the hurt feelings fizzle out... and please... pass the ketchup.
Loving Your Spouse Amidst A Busy Season
We've all been there.
When the days and weeks are busy and only get busier. Maybe there are kids in tow or maybe your work hours go late and your projects build up. Maybe you're in a constant state of driving from one thing to the next and hardly have a moment to yourself, and when you finally do, giving that time to your spouse can feel like just another thing. Another cumbersome addition to an already hectic schedule.
But showing love to your spouse shouldn't have a resting place on the backburner. Marriage takes work and consistent affection... and I don't mean affection in the grandiose gestures of the word. You don't need to make a candlelight dinner three times a week and give each other gifts several times a month. It's in the little things, little moments, and little actions that can show your spouse you're thinking about them and their needs more often than they know.
In a recent conversation with my husband on this topic he said,
"I like getting loved by small gestures. Not to say big ones aren't great, but small ones are almost more considerate. It's almost like saying "I love you so much I'm willing to try to make even the smallest thing better for you." Like, even THAT much. But not many people are willing to inconvenience themselves to make someone else's life barely more convenient and you have to really know someone in order to know just exactly how to make their day a little better."
I love how he explained this phenomenon so simply. From his last statement, we discussed how amazing it is to have the privilege of being the one who really knows how to love someone in the little ways. So from our home to yours.....
Here are a few ways you can love your spouse amidst a busy season:
1. Take one of their errands for them
It doesn't have to be anything major. But if you've heard them mention all the places they need to go and for what items, maybe you could swing by one of those places on your way home from work and save them a trip or two.
2. Get their day started right
Are they always the ones making coffee and getting lunches prepared? Beat them to the task.
3. Give the living areas a once over
Pick up and fold blankets, put away toys, and sweep up the kitchen... all without them knowing until morning comes around and they notice the sweet gesture. Apparently Tom randomly sweeps the kitchen without me ever knowing, just so it's one house task I don't even have to think about or notice needs attention. Ummm heart eyes for days!! (He just admitted this to me as we talked about this topic).
4. Choose a show or movie they love, even if you don't
Of course it's nice to watch shows together that you both enjoy, but sometimes it's just nice to watch one of your personal favorites at the urging of your spouse... with your spouse.
5. Tidy up what's "theirs"
Again, such a little thing, but picking up their shoes, cleaning up their bedside table that's gathered receipts galore, and staying on top of the laundry for their sake instead of just yours shows a lot of love, care, and respect.
6. Hide things around the house you know they'll find
Like little fun-sized candies, a love note (or in our case, a note with something sassy written on it), some cash for a drink at Starbucks, upcoming tickets to a movie or show, etc...
Hide them in places they'll definitely look. Like in a makeup drawer, next to their deodorant, inside their laptop/briefcase, on their car seat, etc... Tom did this one morning during our renovation, and it had me giggling so hard every time I opened up a cabinet or looked inside a box of drawers and found a mini Kit-Kat!
7. Keep your mouth shut
Sometimes it's easy to play the nag... and both the person nagging, and the one being nagged get sick of hearing it. It can be so loving to just clean up a mess they made without saying anything about it. Even when that little mess drives you up a WALL because you see it happen daily. By keeping quiet, you're giving them some room to breathe and make mistakes. It inconvenienced you, but sometimes you inconvenience him/her too. We're all human!
8. Give them some quality "veg time."
I imagine this would be an especially loving gesture with kids in the mix. Let them hang out alone and play video games, peruse Pinterest, or watch their favorite show uninterrupted.
9. Make their favorite
Cooking up their favorite meal, even if it's one that takes you forever, is an easy way to put their needs above yours and show them you care.
10. Send them a photo
Did you come across something in your day that made you laugh or think of them? Snap a photo and let them know! It's one of the fun parts of living in a tech-y world.
11. Tell them to go do something they enjoy
Maybe that means shopping, getting their hair or nails done, going to a cigar bar, buying that new tool... or what about trying that brewery or restaurant they really want to check out, but you don't? Give them the "okay" on some splurges they don't often give themselves.
12. Compliment them
Sometimes it's so easy to go through a day with the person you live with and forget to acknowledge all the little things they do. Or forget to tell them how smokin' hot they are. Or how much they amaze you with their talents and smarts. If anyone in your life on earth deserves your praise, it's the person you walk through life with each day. And they really ought to hear it... maybe they know, but something about hearing those things out loud can really hit your soft spot.
13. Hug it out
Again, so sooooo simple. But giving them a squeeze and a smooch before parting ways in the morning, and upon coming home, and everything in between... is good for the heart and soul.
14. Pray for them
This one tops the list. What better way to love your spouse than to thank the Creator for them every day!!