Second Trimester Recap (Baby 2)

Oh how I love the second trimester! I know some poor mamas do not get a break from the woes of the first trimester and sheesh - hats off to them. That would be miserable! I was worried that would be the case for me as my first trimester this time was just awful, but thankfully things cleared up and I have felt pretty good ever since. I’ll go into more detail below…

Symtoms

Nausea gone - I slowly weaned off of the Unisom+B6 combo around 15 weeks and even though I had a couple bouts of severe nausea, it ended up being fine!
Boobies - I had super leaky boobs with Silas, and these took a while, but it’s back this time too (nearer to the end of this trimester)
Round ligament pain - The usual! I think I do get a bit paranoid having an incision right around where round ligament pain happens, but I’m remembering more and more that it’s normal and there’s nothing to worry about.
Thick hair - finally! I was waiting for this one.
Emo - I definitely feel a lot more hormonal in the second trimester versus the first. All the cheesy things make me cry and if Tom says something even slightly off-key I’m a crying mess hahaha it always makes me laugh a little because I can literally feel how hormonal I’m being IN the moment.
Extreme hunger - so.hungry.
Back pain - sciatica pain from baby positions and just generally feeling that belly growing!
Clear skin - love this part of pregnancy.
Pee all the time - just like with Silas, this is my most complained about and most hated “symptom.” Having to pee SO BAD and nothing but a trickle comes out is the WORST feeling. And then needing to do it all again 10 minutes later (because I drink water like crazy). Ugh. Not sorry for complaining about this. Nightly bathroom trips. Bladder kicks that seriously kind of hurt. Gahhh.
Leg cramps - This was a new one - it’s happened maybe three or four times and means I probably need more magnesium or potassium. Someone told me to flex my foot the opposite way I normally would during a cramp, and it literally goes away immediately!

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Cravings

Meh, nothing much. Milk is a big one that I had with Silas and I have had it this time too, but I can’t say it’s very extreme like it was last time. I will say I have a lot of texture aversions this time around which is unfortunate. Pastas of all kinds, lettuce??, and just random ones that crop up out of nowhere.

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Second Trimester Journal

Weeks 13-18

During week 16 I started getting sciatica pain. I’m sure it’s always based on baby’s position, because it usually goes away on its own or after a good walk, but yikes is it painful when it’s around. Week 16 is also when I FINALLY felt movement for the first time. But only in very specific positions. Come to find out I have an anterior placenta so that explains that! Week 18 is when I felt movement more regularly. Past week 18, I have actually felt this baby a LOT and he is WAY more active than his brother was in utero… which is fun and also scary that I’m gonna have a wild-child OUTSIDE the womb haha :)

Weeks 19-27

The 20 week scan! Because of COVID-19, Tom couldn’t come along, so we did a video call during the ultrasound. We asked her to write down the gender so we could open it together at home, but I stupidly thought she was done looking for the gender because she moved the probe thing… and when I looked up she was typing “boy” on the screen. Haha! I texted Tom afterwards that I had accidentally seen. And in a weird way, it was sort of nice to process that information alone for a bit (because we were sure it was a girl and really excited about that). But once I had a bit, I got really excited and happy about another boy! Brother besties :) Tom opened the envelope at home and it was still really special. And everything looked great! Healthy baby boy.
At 21 weeks he became a crazy moving MACHINE and hasn’t slowed down since.
24 weeks was my first in person regular appointment in the office. Up until that point it was all tele-med visits. Thankfully I already owned a scale and blood pressure monitor (and a heartbeat doppler because Tom was bummed to never get to hear those in person), so my phone visits were pretty straightforward and normal. But oh man - haha - so awkward trying to find the heartbeat while my poor OB listened to me taking forever!
We met our doula and her backup during this time and it was great and we all clicked so nicely. She has already been an awesome support and I’m so glad we hired her for her expertise with this VBAC attempt.

I had a dream that my water broke and that I peed. And I woke up from it kind of thinking my water broke. Nope. Peed my underwear a bit and had to change them in the middle of the night… hahahaha this is still making me laugh. So weird and hilarious.

And lastly, I had my 1-hour glucose test on week 27 and failed by two points. So I went in for the dreaded 3-hour test and thankfully passed on all four blood draws! That said, I’ll be adding in more exercise and less sweets/simple carbs to make sure I’m keeping healthy! Hard when you’re an avid baker... but I can do it!

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So there you have it - the second trimester with baby #2. I still think of the mamas in the trenches of loss and infertility so often. The dads too. And I keep them in my prayers. Pregnancy and the miracle to be able to carry life is never lost on me. It’s not something I take for granted (though I’m sure I have my moments). So here I am, just immensely grateful to carry this sweet boy around, even on the hard days or the days when my two year old is a ball of emotions and defiance. And I hope and pray for all the mamas who are hurting and hoping day after day after week after week after year…

I’m looking forward to this final trimester and all the nesting involved and preparing for a VBAC attempt. We have a double stroller all ordered, and now I’m trying to decide how many of the new products that came out in the last two years need to land in my online shopping cart! Who knows… but if anyone has some good products to check out, let me know! Always fun to look anyway, while we’re all still holed up at home.
(I’m typing this from our “vacation week” that has not felt like a vacation in the least but we’re making the best of it).
Also, how are my other pandemic pregnancy mamas doing? How was it giving birth during this (if you delivered recently)? How have you been doing emotionally or mentally? I’m not an anxious wreck of a person like I was when we lived in Georgia, but I’ve definitely had some moments that have made me really sad to be pregnant during this time. I’m sure it depends on where you live, but Tennessee has been crazy and I just wanna give birth without a mask! But all will be well <3 I’m focusing on the positive and have actually been doing just fine over here in our compound - haha!

First Trimester Recap (Baby 2)

Well hello, old friends! It’s been awhile since I’ve dusted off my editing page on here, and the familiarity of it all sure feels nice to come back to.

If you don’t follow me on social media, you wouldn’t have heard the news, but as you can see… we’re expecting our second child! We’re so very excited and feel extremely blessed to be welcoming this new baby in early October. I made mention of this on Instagram, but I’m not going to be sharing the infertility aspect this time around. It still took us a while, but I’m not going into detail… UNLESS you honestly are curious! I really am an open book, but just feel like by now, you know we have fertility struggles, so if you want the deets on this time around, don’t hesitate to ask. Even if you’re just feeling nosey! I really don’t mind and always feel like sharing these topics helps to normalize the conversations surrounding them.

Anyway, I guess I just sort of decided, why not document this pregnancy too? I’ve found myself looking back at my recaps of my last pregnancy to see what things lined up and so on or to remind myself what to expect. I’ll use the same format as before, so here we go…!

Symptoms

Nausea - oh boy did this hit me like a ton of bricks right off the bat. I was puking every day (sometimes multiple times!) until i started taking a combo of Unisom + B6 around week 7 or 8. The nausea didn’t disappear, but it did tame my puking which I so desperately needed. Though I did learn walking and eating for some reason really set me off. Once while chewing a bite of pbj, I gagged a little too hard, and THANKFULLY Tom scattered barf bags all around the house because I snagged one in the dining room and lost it right there. Haha.. definitely funny in retrospect!
Tired - there is nothing quite like first trimester exhaustion!
Sore boobies - I miss laying on my belly to sleep haha
Metallic taste - this was new and bleck!
Food aversions - it seemed like they’ve been a lot stronger this pregnancy. Almost NOTHING sounded good for the first mannnnnyyy weeks. Maybe until week 11? I mostly ate fruit, drank juice or chocolate soy milk, ate granola bars, and sometimes potatoes or eggs. So. much. gagging. Also lots of crying at the dinner table when I couldn’t stand to eat anything on my plate but was so hungry.
Sensitive to smells - oh the joys of dog food, poopy diapers, coffee, and the trash can.
Crampy - just occasionally. I remember feeling more cramping in the first trimester with Silas.
Spotting - this was a new one and a bit scary. I spotted in the 6th week and the 9th week. Thankfully it resolved and didn’t get serious, but I didn’t experience that with Silas, so I had an ultrasound right at 7 weeks to check things out. All was fine.
Emotional - hello hormones! All the cheesy things make me cry. Also a little more moody this time around. Had a harder time being excited and honestly felt sort of depressed for most of the trimester.
Acne - ugh such a bummer
Vivid dreams - I love this part of pregnancy. Such weird, insanely vivid dreams!

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Cravings

Nothing I craved - just finally a break in the food aversions and something would sound good. Once it was my mom’s pot roast and potatoes (they were in town), and puddings and ice cream hahaha

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First Trimester Journal

Weeks 4-8

I found out about this pregnancy REALLY early. I went in for confirmation bloodwork on week FOUR. In that bloodwork they check all your hormone levels, and they again put me on a low dose of progesterone to help support the pregnancy (my HCG was perfect, though). I was on it with Silas too. I spotted for a day or two on week 6, and promptly got in for an ultrasound on week 7. Baby was measuring EXACTLY on track based on my dates! It was such a relief to see and hear that tiny heart beating. Tom, unfortunately, was home with Silas so he missed the only ultrasound he could have been to (since Covid-19 restrictions started a few weeks later). They said the spotting likely came from an ovarian cyst that was resolving itself. Tom had a lot of travel during this time - a trip to Idaho, and another just a few days later to DC. This was honestly a lot for me just because of the timing and the intense nausea while taking care of a busy, needy toddler. Cooking food during this time was just horrendous. My parents were planning on stopping back through after spending the winter in Florida, but I called them up, spilled the beans, and asked them to come early and stay while Tom was out of town to keep me company and give me a break from Silas. Thankfully they were happy to oblige and my mom made us some delicious meals. We even snuck in a little date while they were here!

Weeks 9-12

Already started peeing all the time again - including in the night. We brought my lovely pregnancy pillow out of retirement (I cannot for the life of me stay on my side at night), along with all my old maternity clothes that I washed and tried on :) On week 9, I spotted again. It lasted a couple days and I tried not to worry, but it certainly crept in.
Week 10 on the dot, I had my first regular OB visit. Tom came along with Silas and we all got to hear the heart together. Always a relief - especially after spotting the week before. Silas got too squirmy, so the boys left and I got to have a great talk with my OB. She is seriously just the BEST and I’m so incredibly grateful a friend referred me to her when we moved here! The following weeks were more of the same with food aversions and nausea and just trying to survive while taking care of Silas and getting us fed without throwing up. I stopped taking progesterone at 13 weeks, and we announced around this time.

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This time around was in many ways the same, but of course, extremely different too (is anyone surprised? Different pregnancy, different baby, etc…). I think the biggest difference this time around was how irritated I felt. Maybe not irritated… but… I can never find the right word or description. I just wasn’t very excited. I was excited, of course, but the overarching feeling I had was frustration. Frustrated that it kept me from being a “good” mom to Silas and we spent too much time watching shows while I was curled up trying not to vomit. Frustrated that I wasn’t grateful enough. Frustrated that I felt like such a shell of myself.

So then on top of all these feelings, Nashville schools were shutting down over illness, so I stayed home to avoid getting whatever everyone else was getting.
Then the horrific tornado ripped through and they asked any extra people to stay off the backed up roads, so I stayed home.
And then Covid-19 hit. And I’ve STAYED HOME. I’ve stayed home for nearly two months by now.

It’s a weird time to be pregnant. We have our anatomy scan in May, and Tom can’t come. It all feels very anticlimactic. Like I got pregnant, and have been home practically ever since. Our church family doesn’t even know! So when we get back to worship, they’ll all be in for an obvious surprise - haha!

Anyway. It feels so much better to be in the second trimester, now. My weird/sad mood has lifted, I’m starting to feel movement, and Silas now sticks his finger in my belly button when I ask him where the baby is (haha it HAS to be directly in my belly button, not just my belly - it kills me hahaha). But he gives the baby kisses already and the thought of him being a big brother is super sweet and exciting. Though also a little sad he won’t be my only baby anymore! He’s such a mama’s boy and he is about to get the shock of his little lifetime!

That’s all for now! See you at the end of next trimester ♥️

Silas's Birth Story

Oh sweet son. The day you were born was tiring and beautiful and filled with more love than your dad and I could contain. Let me tell you how it happened.

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At home

For weeks I kept saying I was going to make all these meals ahead of your birth so we wouldn't have to cook for a long, long time after you arrived. Well, I took my time. It was a tough job, okay? And you were making my body so achey and heavy, and standing in the kitchen did not sound appealing.
But I knew it would be such a nice thing to have on hand so that your dad and I could just focus on getting used to taking care of you and staring at you all day. So when I was 38 weeks pregnant, I started making meals and freezing them.

I was so tired. My back was achey, I was peeing every ten minutes, and my ankles were swollen. When I dropped something, I rarely bothered to pick it up because my belly was so big and cumbersome. And sleep. What sleep? It seemed to have vanished!

When I was 39 weeks and one day, on a Saturday, your dad was helping me make the very last meal (Michigan pasties) for the freezer. I was exhausted after making probably fifteen or so of these little meat pies, so while your dad cleaned up, I went to lay down for a short rest. After a while, he came back to our bedroom to check on me and talk for a minute.

"I'm so ready to be done, now. I want him out! Why can't he just get the hint and come a little early?" I said to dad.
He smiled at me, leaned down to my belly, right where your head was, and said to you, "Hey. Your momma is tired. It's time for you to come out now. Come out of your womb!"
I laughed, and he left to finish cleaning the kitchen.

Five minutes later, at about 5pm, I was still laying there in bed when I felt you kick, along with a strange pop. 

Did my water just break?? I thought.

I stood up, and nothing happened.
I walked to the bathroom and pulled down my pants to see if my underwear were wet. Just as I pulled them down... SPLASH! I leapt onto the toilet and called your dad to come back there. Water was pouring out, and I shouted excitedly, "My water definitely just broke!"

Your dad, try as he might, was not very calm. I was shaking with excitement, and I think it took us both by surprise! We figured you'd stay in there for another week or two, so the fact that you listened to your old man already was a bit of a shock!

At the time, your Grandma and Grandpa Andreasen were on their way to the Carolina coast where they were going to stay until you were on the way. I called your grandma and told her to turn around and head back to Tennessee.

Then I called the doctor to ask for directions. They said I could stay home until my contractions got close, but I could go in now if I wanted. Since it wasn't a big rush, I decided to take a shower while your dad went out to get us some dinner and get the house picked up and Hondo's things ready for the neighbor.

After my shower, fluid was still pouring out, and my contractions started quickly and were about three minutes apart. I told your dad not to panic, but I thought he better hurry so we could leave. At the very least, I wanted to get checked. By the time we got to the hospital, I was having a harder time talking through my contractions. It happened so fast!

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In the hospital

They admitted me into the hospital and checked me into my room. After laboring for about six hours, I asked for an epidural. I was only two centimeters dilated and 75% effaced, but you were sunny side up and every contraction was in my back... ONLY in my back and it hurt me sooooo much! I knew I'd never get any rest or relief while I continued to dilate if I had to feel all those contractions, so I was very grateful for the epidural.

Unfortunately, the epidural slowed down my contractions a bit, and I wasn't dilating very quickly. Not only that, but you didn't care for those contractions and with each one, your heart rate dipped too low, but came back up to pace when it ended. The doctors and nurses didn't like that (and neither did I), so all night long, every few minutes, a nurse came to my room to move me into different positions to see if it would make you more comfortable in there.

All the while, each contraction was pushing out lots and lots of fluid. From the very beginning I mentioned this to the staff because I thought it seemed like too much and by now you couldn't possibly have much fluid in there. After a long time, they finally agreed and they fed a line up to my uterus to pump more fluid in there for you to have a bit more of a cushion. Maybe that way you'd tolerate the contractions a little better.

All night I was moved around and we tried and tried to get you in a position to move things along a little more quickly while keeping you stable.

Early in the morning, my doctor came to check on me. It was Mother's Day! May 13, 2018. I was only about five centimeters at this point, no more effaced than I had been before, and your head was not engaged. We were all still worried about you, because your heart rate was still getting too low with each contraction.

We decided we'd try one more thing, and if it didn't work, I'd need to have a C-section to get you out of there. We had the anesthesiologist come in and turn my epidural way down, and they gave me the tiniest amount of pitocin. For another three hours, we waited. I felt all those horrible back contractions again. I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours and I hadn't slept hardly at all. I was exhausted and in so much pain. After those three hours, I dilated to seven, but you were getting more and more distressed. Since I hadn't reached ten centimeters by that point, I hadn't effaced further, and you still weren't engaged, my doctor advised that a C-section would now be the safest alternative for both of us. Silly boy! You didn't even give your momma a chance to push you out!

In minutes, new people entered my room, and we got ready for surgery. Your dad had to put on some scrubs, and I was wheeled to surgery.

The room was cold, but all the people were happy, calming, and kind. They covered me in warm blankets, and a man was counting out loud. What I realized later, is that it was a count of all the tools and gauze that would be available to my doctor, and after surgery, they counted it all again to make sure nothing got left inside of me! Ahh!

When surgery was about to begin, they let your dad come in and he sat next to me and held my hand. I was SO tired! I could barely stay awake, but I was excited to FINALLY meet you! It only took a few minutes, and when you came out, you immediately peed all over everyone! You were so big at 8lbs 4oz. and my doctor said she was quite sure you wouldn't have fit through the canal anyways. Your cord was around your neck, and that was probably getting squeezed even tighter with each contraction. Some babies aren't in danger with the cord around their necks, but some are, so it was good we got you out when we did.

You were so purple, and while they cleaned and weighed you, your dad stood by and watched. We both cried such tears of joy at finally meeting you, Silas. What an awesome first Mother's Day!

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Shortly after they had you cleaned up and made sure you were breathing fine, they laid you on my chest, and we just stared at each other. You were the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. I just soaked you in. Your nose, your eyes that slowly blinked open and closed, and your perfect little mouth. You had all this silky soft, fuzzy, dark hair that stood straight up. One of the nurses called you "hedgehog hair" and I loved that.

While I held you, they closed me up and my surgery was over! My doctor did such a wonderful job from beginning to end and I'm so grateful she got you here safely. For an hour, we were left alone in a recovery room and I nursed you for the first time. Your papa spent time holding you skin to skin, and that hour was so special and quiet. Just us, quietly talking and taking you in.

Oh my little boy. You changed our whole world that day. We waited so long to hold you, and God brought you into our life at just the right time. What a blessing you are, Silas Benedict - you made us parents!

Body Image & Pregnancy

Some clothing items in this post are courtesy of Pinkblush

On a walk the other night, I was wearing one of Tom's sweaters and asked if I looked pregnant (because even with my belly it sort of swallowed me up), and before he could answer, I started laughing and said,

"I wonder when I'll quit wondering if I look pregnant and accept that I do... all of the time" and we both just laughed.

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You see, before getting pregnant, or even trying (not knowing we would struggle to conceive), the words of so many women echoed in my mind.

Words of sadness and grief for the loss of their pre-pregnant bodies. How they cursed the stretch marks that appeared. How unattractive they felt. How their (in my opinion) adorable bumps just made them feel like a beached whale. How they felt their husbands wouldn't desire them. And on and on.

I would often listen and sympathize, trying to understand, yet never truly grasping their feelings - as one often can't when they've not "been there" themselves. I'm sure for so many women, it's a process of letting go of the body you've come to know and love and even be able to anticipate its changes. Pregnancy sure throws it all for a loop, and it can come as a shock to see your body change by no doing of your own.

However, for the not-yet-mommas who are worried about this:

Pregnancy is beautiful.
It's a privilege.
It shows the incredible capability your body has.
It adds to your beauty - it does NOT take away.

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I must admit, pregnancy has not caused me to mourn my body - not for a second. Mourning your pre-pregnant body isn't something we will all face, because we all come from different places and perspectives and there is no shame on either end. We all get to feel how we feel.

But you see, I have had stretch marks since puberty. During a time when I believe insecurities are at their height. Those marks are still there, but they've faded. I've bared them at the beach, in front of boys I liked, and friends who didn't have them. I've simply become accustomed to them, and think nothing of their presence anymore. To be honest, when pregnant friends would speak of the disgust they felt over their stretch marks, it used to hurt me. I've had them since I was 15... does everyone else really find them so revolting?!

"People get them ALL the time!" I'd think. "Who cares! Of course you're getting them - you're growing a human being! I wonder what you think of mine..." and a feeling of judgement would sweep over me. As if I wasn't pristine and perfect and my marks should be something to cover and be ashamed of.

I've since come to terms with their perspective versus mine, and recognized that their sadness is just as valid as my content on the subject.

Then entered yet another perspective.

Infertility.

After two years of trying to conceive, seeing this body of mine change, and stretch, and grow, has been nothing short of a privilege. I cannot find it in me to curse the heartburn or hemorrhoids or crowded lungs or bulging belly. When my old clothes stopped fitting, I met it with relief and joy. For so long I hoped and prayed to be able to carry this life, and finally my body allowed me to do so. Each change and symptom is a clear reminder that my body is doing exactly what it should to accommodate this baby. There is no mourning from me - only joy.

I'm writing this simply to share my own, personal identity with pregnancy and my body image. It may be different from yours, and that's okay.

Today, I'm simply celebrating this growth, and the love and admiration I have for this body. I'm celebrating the spider veins, and hips, and moments when my husband comes up behind me to hold my belly, kiss me on the neck, and say, "You are more beautiful than ever. I've waited so long to see you pregnant and I'm so happy to see you grow. I can't wait for you to get bigger!" Goodness! Swoon! To hear him say that is music to my ears. I've never felt so beautiful in my life, and he just reinforces my thoughts.

I know it can be hard for some women - and I validate that too.

But for me?
I'm happy.

Plus, not having to suck it in for nine whole months is pretty awesome - haha - so I'm reveling in every part of this season. Okay, even if sometimes I do sound like I ran a marathon after going up a flight of stairs #beachedwhale #owningit

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AND a huge thank you to Pinkblush for making pregnancy even more enjoyable and helping all sorts of women feel beautiful in their pregnant skin. Clothes that flatter those new curves make a world of difference, and I love that I have a platform to share such a great brand with you all ♡ Here is that adorable floral dress I'm rocking in these photos (just a different color).

And keep scrolling for a Hondo photobomb!

Our Infertility Story

This post has always made me nervous to write. Yet, I feel like infertility is STILL so unspoken, misunderstood, and lonely and I have a great desire to open up about it and offer hope. I want this post to give a glimpse into what it looks like. Hang tight, this will be a long one. Whether you've experienced infertility, haven't experienced it, or maybe will, this simply covers our personal experience. I hope it opens your eyes to the many factors that can affect this trial and will break down a few barriers in relation to people's perception of it.

Year one:

Everything started the way it does for any hopeful couple ready to grow their family. We were excited, nervous, and hopeful. None of my closest friends or family had an issue conceiving, so naturally, it didn't really cross our minds. It was easy for seemingly everyone else, why wouldn't that be the case for us?

The first month came and went.
"Oh well," we thought, "we must have timed something wrong."
Then the next month.
And the next month.
And the next month.
And the next month.
And the next month.
And the next month.
And the next month.
And the next month.
And the next month.

Our trash was filled with negative pregnancy tests that seemed to glare at me from their place at the top of the bin. Sprinkled in all those previous weeks were fleeting hopes of pregnancy symptoms. Are my boobs extra sensitive? Maybe this is implantation bleeding? Does that cramp feel different from period cramping?! Am I peeing more? Do I feel pregnant? Am I late? I think I'm late! And every month, went from hopeful two week waits, to heartache in the deepest sense.

We were frustrated at this point. Disappointed. Sad. Friends were moving on to their second pregnancies. Yet here we were. Left behind. Wondering what so wrong with us. Nothing about cycles and so on seemed that askew, but I began to question it. I was disappointed in my body. Why wasn't it doing the most natural thing on earth? I would look at my sweet husband and feel such sadness that I couldn't make him a dad. Gosh, he'd be such a great dad. I'd see him hold our friend's baby and feel my heart sink in my chest for what "should be."

I had an annual check-up with my doctor, and mentioned my concerns. She was a great physician and sent me off for an "infertility work-up" straight away.

I got poked and prodded every other week for two months, and spent a pretty penny on "ovulation predictor kits" to see if it would help us. It didn't. I remember even having to get to a lab while on a trip to have a cycle-time-sensitive blood draw. My arm, it seemed, was forever bruised, and each time I looked down, was reminded that this may be the easiest part of potentially years of pain and heartache. It was only the beginning, and just that thought alone was enough to bring on unbearable hurt.

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My tests all came back clear. Everything was working as it should. This was good news, right? Well yes, but it still offered no answer for why we weren't conceiving. Sometimes, no diagnosis can feel worse than actually having one. Our questions had not been answered.

So Tom was tested. We never gave his test much thought, because don't we all just jump to infertility being a "woman's problem?"

When my doctor called me with his results, my heart broke. BROKE. Broke for him, for us, for our hopes, and for God's plan for our life.

She didn't usually call me, but she was home sick and when she got his results knew I would want to know right away. She gave it to me straight, explained each portion of the analysis, and tried to break it to me as gently and lovingly as possible. I was choking on my words and trying to get off the phone before I broke down, but before I rushed off, she said, "Now Joy, this isn't good news, I know that and so do you. But remember that it's not impossible. It doesn't mean it will never happen, it's just going to be a lot harder, and you'll probably need some help to get there. Do not give up hope." I mumbled a half-hearted, thank you and hung up just as my tears poured through the flood gates.

I messaged Tom and told him his results didn't look good. He was at work, so he tried to brush it off until we could talk later. I had a meeting that night, and I remember feeling so glazed over, wishing I wasn't there. I got home late, hugged Tom, and we just looked at each other. I read him the results and we cried. We cried for such a long time and tried to just pick ourselves up each day and muddle through. We comforted one another, prayed, and simply existed for a while, but we never let it come between us. We were very conscientious about what it could do to a marriage, and chose every day to grow closer instead of farther apart. This was no one's "fault" but we had to move forward and accept a different reality from the one we pictured.

Year two:

My doctor had given us a referral to a fertility clinic. We had to wait three months just to get in to our first appointment. THREE MONTHS. Three months is the length of an entire trimester of pregnancy. It was so hard to just twiddle our thumbs while we waited for a few minutes to discuss options and next steps with a stranger. All the while just wishing we'd somehow miraculously conceive before getting in. All the while seeing our friends' babies take first steps and other couples announce their impending arrivals. It felt like daggers to our hurting hearts. Not by any fault of theirs, but it's just a side-affect of infertility I suppose. 

We sat down across a sweet younger doctor and when she asked me a simple question, I suddenly lost it.

"Let it out honey," she said. "You are not the first to sit in that chair and cry, and you won't be the last. Whenever you're ready, we can talk."

So I cried and blubbered out answers to medical history questions and how much coffee I drank each day.
She told us that to be positive there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, too, she wanted to have a few more tests done before we focused our time on Tom.

I had more bloodwork done. Then a HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) test in which a catheter is inserted into your cervix and they inject dye through your uterus and fallopian tubes while under a live x-ray machine. It was about as comfortable as it sounds, but gave immediate results (which were all clear). It shows you if your tubes are blocked. The very next day, I had a SHG (Sonohysterogram). Same thing, only this time it was saline solution injected into my uterus to separate the walls and check for polyps or cysts with an ultrasound. This was horrid, but again, came back all clear.

So we went ahead and scheduled Tom's tests. Another month-long wait to get in. This was with the fertility clinic's urologist. I won't go into detail on Tom's tests, but they too, were about as invasive as mine. All the while, bills began to pour in (because infertility isn't usually covered by insurance).

After another month or two of waiting, we finally got in with the urologist to hear all the results and go over options.

"Based on your results, we have two options. One: you can have an outpatient procedure done to correct some veins (varicoceles). You may see results in three months and conceive naturally, or you may not see results for a year, if at all. Two: you can do IVF." That was it. Those were our two no-guarantee, expensive options.

Of course, if given any option of conceiving naturally, we would try it. They scheduled the outpatient surgery, and told us we wouldn't get any prices until the week of. But if we decided to cancel, we had to do so 72 hours before the surgery or we'd be charged a $250 fee. Seems like small potatoes, but we wanted to avoid a worthless fee if we could.

Another long wait for the surgery. So we planned a vacation that would land a month afterwards to finally catch a break from all the appointments and waiting and stress of it all.

Until three days before surgery, our clinic called to inform us of a "fee."
They couldn't explain what it was for, and at nearly 3K, we weren't willing to pony up that kind of cash without an explanation, so we demanded they cancel the surgery immediately. Just another setback, we thought.

Surprise, surprise!

By now, I hadn't taken a pregnancy test on a whim for probably a year or so. Why bother torturing yourself? Save yourself some heartache, Joy, just don't bother any more.

Nine days before our big vacation, I had a funny feeling. Something was different. I had one crappy pregnancy test left out of a box of twenty. I had saved it, after telling myself to save it for a time when I was SURE it would come out positive. For some reason, I thought this was that day.

Tom was in the shower, I peed into a cup, and walked out to play with Hondo. I returned a minute later and saw two lines. For the first time ever. EVER. In TWO years.

"Ummm..." I said.

"Umm is the sound in dumb" Tom replied from the shower (A quote from Parks and Rec haha).

"Tom, no, seriously, this test is positive."

He whipped the curtain back and we looked at it together in shock and disbelief.

"Does this mean I can't drink wine in Europe?!" I quipped (half joking, of course).

"Joy are you sure this test is accurate?" he asked.

He got out of the shower, and I got in. Both of us speechless and more afraid than excited. Afraid that it wasn't real or something would happen.

"Joy, it's getting darker," he said.

I quickly got dressed and rushed to the store for prenatal vitamins and more tests. Three more tests confirmed it. I called my doctor and they booked me the soonest appointment so I could get blood-work for confirmation. I left the office that day with a stack of pregnancy information booklets and resources.

Surreal doesn't even begin to cover it.

But you know what is most awe-inspiring to me?

The first day of your last period is the day they use to calculate your due date. Everything is based on that day and marks the "beginning" of your pregnancy.

It was that day that Tom was supposed to have his corrective surgery.

...

...

Let that sink in.

...

...

Had he had that surgery, we wouldn't be expecting our sweet baby boy right now. We said no to doctors and bills, and God said YES. After two years, He finally gave us a dramatic, clear, yes.

That's what I mean when I say there are times in life when God's plan is so muddled, but other times when it is just abundantly clear. We said no to a simple surgery, not knowing when the time would be right to pursue it again, and simply put our faith in God. We let go of control, and He took over. It's not always that clear, or that "simple" ... but it sure is an incredible testimony when it is.

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Infertility has been the hardest thing we've ever faced. We may face it again, and the pain it comes with never leaves you. 

But I can say this; even amidst the heartache, we had good days. We were surrounded by blessings that we probably took for granted. Our marriage remained strong, we had our health, Hondo came into our lives and comforted us and brought us the joy we were missing, and God was walking with us.

God is good. In the good times and bad, He is so good.

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A couple take-aways:

Infertility is not just a "woman's issue." One third of cases is an issue with the woman, one third is an issue with the man, and one third is a combination of both. 

1 in 8 couples will experience infertility. We never imagined we'd be that "one," yet here we are.
(source)

Though we miraculously conceived and are overjoyed, pregnancy after infertility has been wrought with fear. Many women have fear in pregnancy and beyond - it's a normal part of motherhood - but this is something ingrained a little deeper.

It's a fear of losing that child and grieving so deeply what took so long to achieve, and having to begin the horrible path of infertility again.

It's never feeling truly sure that things will be "okay" in the end. Whether that's birth, pregnancy, health of the baby, or the next time you try to get pregnant.

It's still feeling so broken when your friends in the infertility community endure yet another loss or failed attempt at IVF/IUI/adoption and you know there is nothing you can say or do to make their hurt go away.

It's "survivor's guilt" when you get pregnant and they are still waiting.

It's feeling far more protective of your child's life than you ever thought you would (like, I want to put our baby in a bubble after birth and never let anyone touch him hahaha).

It's still somehow feeling a twinge of pain with birth announcements, even though you're already expecting.

It's not feeling joy and excitement at the thought of  trying for the next child, but emotional preparation and dread.

Life after infertility is, at its core, living in a constant state of unknown. It's a test of faith and trust in God's plan. His plan can be hard to see at times, and not like what you would plan for yourself, but He has never forsaken us and that is something I always cling to on the hardest of days. He is faithful, and I can honestly say that putting my trust in Him is the only place I have found peace.

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If you are facing infertility, know that you are not alone. There are people in your same boat, feeling the same conflicting, crappy feelings as you, and crying themselves to sleep after yet another day littered with pregnant bellies and baby photos. There are resources and support groups that can offer solace, comfort, and advice (contact me if you would like to be part of something like this - it's confidential). Of course I am no expert and do not pretend to be, but I am a listening ear, and hope to be a voice for the silent sufferers of infertility. If our story helps even one person feel a sense of belonging and understanding, then I'm glad we shared it. 

In the meantime, we'll be here. Praying for our precious baby that we are so privileged to welcome into the world in a few short weeks. We'll be praying for the infertile. And trusting in the peace we find in Jesus.

Second Trimester Recap

I see now, why people say the second trimester tricks women into thinking they could have a bazillion babies. This trimester was so amazing! I felt like my normal self, plus a cute not overly gigantic bump, and generally just felt so happy to be pregnant. I'll go into more detail below.

Symptoms

Nausea gone - I didn't usually puke every week even in the first trimester, but on week 16, I randomly puked twice and then it never came back, and the nausea left me completely. It's like it had to go out on a finale haha
Boobies - Sore, full, and leaky. Not trying to be TMI, but figured I'd give full disclosure.
Round ligament pain - This tapered off a bit in the later part of the second trimester
Thick hair - I read about it, and basically your hair just stays put instead of falling out like it normally would. There's hardly any hair in my brush these days, and my hair feels so luxe. I love it!
Emo - Gah, such a sap! And the dumbest things made/make me cry now. It's just a constant up and down of emotions sometimes, and I'm actually able to recognize it and laugh (and cry-laugh) about it. It's so bizarre to have no control over it haha
Extreme hunger - I didn't get crazy hunger pangs in the first trimester, but second trimester (and into third) have been sudden, dizzying, NEED FOOD NOW bouts.
Hemorrhoids - hey, I'm not gonna sugar coat. And this one legit suckssss hahaha
Back pain - just from the growing belly and your back having to compensate for the weight and balance. Thankfully I have a great husband who willingly helps a wifey out!
Clear skin - From bad acne in the first trimester, to luminous skin in the second - I'll take it!
Pee all the time - This has been my worst nightmare from BEFORE pregnancy. I have THE tiniest bladder, and now in pregnancy it's made functioning to a normal degree so difficult. I probably get up four times a night (and I don't flush every time because I'd have to flush a thousand times a day - and Tom sees all my pee in the toilet and can never believe it hahaha). But if there is one thing about pregnancy I'd complain about, it would be this. I pee before we go somewhere, and 15 minutes later I have to go again. So irritating.

Cravings

I can honestly say, I got a couple honest to goodness cravings in the second trimester. For a while there... Taco Bell (so bad, I know). But our nearest TB happens to be consistently really good, and Mexican pizzas are just so stinking delicious. Makes me want one right now as I type this, actually. Ha! The other one - MILK. For a couple weeks we had to buy so much flipping milk because I was guzzling it down like I'd never tasted milk in my life (normally I'm not a huge milk drinker). This one is still lingering, but it's not as insane as it was. We ran out of milk at one point and I nearly cried that I had to go to the store for more hahaha!

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Second Trimester Journal

Weeks 13-15

We heard the heartbeat again at 13 weeks (the day we announced) and it was beautiful. We publicly announced a few days before 14 weeks, then we drove to Minnesota for Thanksgiving which was really fun. My mom took me maternity clothes shopping, because she was afraid I'd be a hobo pregnant woman and wear men's shirts (accurate).
Our Georgia house went under contract, but the buyers were a royal pain.

Weeks 16-20

The day before 17 weeks I got a kidney stone and we found out the gender in the ER. My belly popped a bit more during this time. I started to feel baby move more obviously, but Tom didn’t until...
the middle of week 18, baby was moving a LOT at bedtime. So much so, I could actually help Tom feel little jabs! It was so precious to say “There!” and he could correspondingly feel it! And then I’d be quiet and he was feeling them without me telling him. Super precious and fun. Like a goldfish hitting the side of a bag.
I was 19 weeks at Christmas and cried before church one morning because my clothes were ill-fitting. Not because I was sad to get bigger - that’s great, but that I didn’t have anything to wear that I felt cute in. It was that awkward in-between time where maternity clothes didn’t fit well yet, but regular clothes were too tight or laid weird. More and more, though, that belly was showing up!
At 20 weeks, my belly was round. Still smaller, but definitely pronounced. Tom made sure I got some clothes to make me feel better, and that helped immensely. Baby’s movements were obvious and often! There was no mistaking those little kicks and rolls.

Weeks 21-24

This baby MOVES! Bladder kicks were still shocking when they'd occur - haha - but overall, I loved this time during pregnancy when it’s just unmistakable what’s happening in there. We also had the anatomy scan at 21 weeks and baby looked so darling. 
Week 22 we moved into our new house and it was BUSY! The day we closed, it iced. Then it snowed. Our move-in date got pushed two days later and our washer and dryer got delivered 10 days late.
On week 24, I started getting symptoms of a UTI, but I didn’t get any of the major symptoms. So my guess is that my bladder just suddenly got more squished! Around this time, I was also getting particularly emotional and needy. Bless Tom and his patience and sweet nature.

I also shared on social media and in my last blog post that we're having a BOY! We are over the moon.

Weeks 25-27

Still lots of movement, and much more intense. Those kicks and rolls started showing themselves through my clothes, even! The belly is also super apparent and it's fun when strangers ask about it or want to know what we're having, etc.. I also spend time talking to our little guy and singing. We slowly started going through our registry and buying things up and now we have all our furniture for the nursery and just need the other basics!

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Overall, the second trimester has been amazing. I have continually kept the perspective that I don't know anything. I am intentionally allowing myself to let go of any expectations about pregnancy, birth, and parenting, because frankly, everyone does their thing and they really just figure it out as they go. Witnessing others who have gone on to have children before me, has taught me this - each and every person I've spoken to in regards to these topics has had something completely different to say. So my expectation is that I have none, and honestly, it has made this pregnancy feel fun, fresh, and new to me and I've been able to fully enjoy it and be grateful. The internet and people's experiences and opinions can be helpful, but sometimes they can be a hinderance to your own joy. All that to say, take your life as is, and don't compare and contrast it to another's - that is for them, this is for you. And for me? Well, right now, I'm happy and so content. *Now picture me raising a heaping glass of milk to cheers this next trimester!* Yippee!

Gifts For A New Mom

Yep, you read that right.

For the mom.

Sorry baby, there were probably a bunch of showers for your sake. This post is for the mamas!

Well, more specifically, for the mama's friends, sisters, husband... or whoever else might have a close enough relationship with her to know her taste and estimate her needs.

Recently, my best friend from college gave birth to their first child. I felt such an overwhelming sense of pride and excitement for my friend, that during the time she was in labor and for days afterward, I just couldn't stop thinking about her. This girl who I lived with, talked with late at night, went on countless dinner dates with, worked with, talked about relationships with, spent nights on the town with, and stood up in each other's weddings, was suddenly a mom. When I see the photos of her beautiful baby, I can't help but tear up and beam with joy. This little baby made my best friend a mom. And then my next thoughts went like this...

Whoa. She's a mom! She's never been a mom before! Wait a minute... what do you need when you're a mom? Do you have time to shower? Or eat? Or feel pretty? Do you need cute but comfy clothes and big underwear? I have no idea. But she better be taken care of.
*Immediately went shopping*

While I was shopping, I had no idea what I was looking for (because.. you know... I'm not a mom) so I legitimately asked moms who were in the store what my friend would like. It was the cutest thing - they had so much to say! One of them even shopped along side me and pointed out items.
As soon as I left the store with my loot, I shipped it off at the nearest post office. 

I'm so glad that she loved my care package and that she felt cared for and not forgotten. That was my biggest concern: that mama wasn't forgotten.

Now that I've done this once, I want to do it again. I want to make sure my mama friends are loved, cared for, and remembered. I'm just gonna guess that becoming a mom is a pretty big transition, so what better way to help them transition than give them some items for them. Remind them that even though they have this little person that's changed their world for the better, that they shouldn't cross the road into motherhood and forget about their own, individual needs. Besides, how can they care for their sweet babe when they're a mess?

After reaching out to some other moms in my blogging network, here are some ideas of how to care for the new mamas in your life. Pass it on if you think it will help others! :)

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Comfortable nightgown:
One that is easy to wear while breastfeeding, too. My own mom recommended this because she was given one of these and it made her feel prettier and slightly less frumpy.

Candle:
With the smell of poop, diaper cream, and spit-up lingering around, it's nice to have a candle going to bring a clean/nice smell to your home. A little luxury!

Luxury shampoo and conditioner:
If mama can even squeeze a shower into her day, having something extra special to use will feel pampering.

Big water bottle with a straw:
Many times they'll only have one hand to eat or drink, so a water bottle that holds a lot (so they don't have to refill all the time) with a straw will be extra helpful. From what I understand, breastfeeding makes women super thirsty and hungry! Heck, even if she's not breastfeeding, this will make life so much easier.

High waisted yoga pants:
A mom in the store recommended this one. That high band just holds things in and offers more comfort. She also said it became her uniform and she totally embraced it!

Loose, comfy sweatshirt:
More-so if baby was born in the winter. One that is easy to breastfeed with or throw on with their new yoga pants and take a trip to the store.

One-handed snacks:
Going along with the water bottle, those mamas get the munchies and having healthy, fast, one-handed snacks is a life-saver. Maybe something they can pour into a bowl and leave next to their feeding chair all day would be nice. Do you live nearby? Bring her some cleaned fruit, shelled nuts, granola, chopped veggies, cheese sticks/cubes, etc...

Slippers:
Most people probably already own slippers, but if you're like me, you keep the same raggedy ones for years. Get them some new ones! Also nice if they have a rubber bottom and can run outside to check the mail in.

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Not pictured

• Favorite candy
• Gifts cards to movie streaming services or Redbox (for long feedings!)
• Amazon gift card. Because they have everything.
• Maid service gift certificate. Let them schedule it themselves so it's convenient for them. Merry Maids is nationwide, I believe. I worked as a Merry Maid for half a summer, and though it was seriously the worst job of my life, they're incredibly thorough. Like, they clean your floors by hand - no joke.
• Coffee for that sleepy mama! Bring her some for her coffee maker... and maybe a fresh cup straight from Starbucks. 
• Spa day
• Postpartum belly band 
• Homemade freezer meals
• Disposable plates and cutlery
• Cute granny-panties!
• Nice hand lotion
• Facial cleansing cloths
• Dry shampoo
• Body lotion with collagen and vitamin E
• Mini toothbrushes to keep in their purse (ones with toothpaste built-in)
• Bottled water (keep a few bottles in every room and in a purse)
• A baby sling
• Devotional book
• Set up a mealtrain
• If you're local, offer to pop over and do chores or take care of baby while she sleeps
• Take her out for coffee or lunch and let her talk about anything she wants - whether it's baby related or not.
• Coupons for free babysitting!
• Possibly: thick underwear pads and cooling packs for 'down there' - give her a variety of pads/liners. Tuck pads.
• Essential oils (if she's into them)
• Books by a good author

If she's breastfeeding

Are you positive she's breastfeeding? Is she able to breastfeed? Make sure you know the answer to that question before you buy her a ton of things geared towards that. If you don't know the answer and would rather not ask, try the suggestions above!

• Stool softener, prunes, lube, and good lip balm. Your body liquids can dry up, so these things help supplement that loss.
• Nursing tank tops
• Nursing pads (gel ones too)
• Coconut oil for sore/cracked nipples
• Nursing bras - also ones for sleeping
• Cooling pads

Check out this site for some nice breastfeeding products.

For the dads

Don't forget this sweet guy! If you think moms are forgotten, these guys are invisible! Yes, yes, it is mostly about mom and baby, but this is a major life adjustment for him too. He could use some love.

• Gift cards for food
• Beer (if he's into that)
• His own copy of an informational baby book
• Funny baby books about poop, toots, burps for him to read to the baby soon ;) (I loved this idea - so funny!)

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Special thanks to the super awesome, sweet ladies from The Peony Project who offered their knowledgable advice on this list - you mamas are wonderful!

What else would you add? I loved this conversation in The Peony Project group and I thought it was so helpful for people like myself who has no idea what it's like to have a baby. Even some soon-to-be moms were following the conversation and getting awesome ideas! Yay for community! Let me know what else :)

Since I am always transparent with my readers, occasionally, affiliate links are also used in my posts which means I may receive a commission from sales generated by them. Some of the above are Amazon affiliate links. However this comes at no extra cost to you and I would never condone a product I didn't personally believe to be of good quality or price. Extra thanks to you for purchasing through one of these links as it helps bloggers immensely!