To the person rolling their eyes because I'm on my phone:
There's a few things you should know.
Yes, there is a sad reality between technology and disconnectedness.
But you see, you're only looking at one side of the coin. My generation, though more engaged and "connected" than any generation before, is actually fighting the disease of time-wasting in front of screens. I am in a portion of this millennial generation who did in fact have to memorize my friends' home phone numbers (and their parents always answered the phone first) and spent all my summers outside. I rode my bike to my grocery store job when I was fifteen, and my parents never paid for my gas in high school. I even know how to write in cursive. Believe it or not, we don't like what society has become. You see all these new tools and gadgets and apps, and you shake your head in disgust that we are a generation immersed and obsessed with such products.
Some parents chalk technology and social media up as "stupid, time-wasting, and fake." That may be true when it's not used responsibly as a tool and a privilege. Sadly, by removing themselves from understanding it, and refusing to take part, their young children will never learn the safe and proper ways to use it. Their young children will be exposed to horrible images and bad websites, and inappropriate text messages that their parents will never know about. When these parents do learn about the things their children have been exposed to, they'll call it a stupid waste of time instead of learning how to teach their child the responsibility these devices come with.
By not understanding, yet using some of this technology yourself, you're falling into the thinking that you're not "one of us." But you use it too. And honestly, you don't use it well. You need to ask for help from us and we're willing to offer our assistance. We want to help you understand, save time, and ‘look up’ as much as possible, because that’s exactly what some of these new tools are reminding us to do.
Very few of the people you roll your eyes at have ever received a virus on their devices, because they know the difference between a safe link and an unsafe one. They know the apps that children shouldn’t use and how children can hide things from their parents… and we’re willing to teach you these things too, if only you’d stop rolling your eyes.
The next time you roll your eyes at me and others, consider a few things:
When you roll your eyes at my husband and I as we look at our screens side by side, you don't realize that we're comparing calendars to plan a camping trip for our anniversary.
When you roll your eyes the minute we pull our phones from our pockets, you don't realize my family that lives across the world just sent us an album of their most recent adventures.
When you roll your eyes because I've stared at my phone for ten minutes straight, you don't realize it's because I get to watch my niece's recital that I would otherwise not have had the chance to see myself.
When you roll your eyes because you think I don't make real connections online, you don't realize it was through those connections online that I met my real life friends who I see frequently and share my life with.
When you roll your eyes because I can't experience anything without taking a photo, you don't realize that those photos are creating an incredible, visual memoir of my life. Something that used to require an expensive camera and photo developing, is now less intrusive and cannot be lost or ruined.
When you roll your eyes because our work is so screen based, you don't realize it's because of those screens that we can work from home (or wherever we like) and actually spend more time together than apart. Our work fits around our life instead of the other way around.
When you roll your eyes... but then ask me to help you... do you see the message you're giving?
We've seen life with less technology, and life totally immersed in it. We see the benefits and the damage. We are learning how to use it constructively, but so many others use it to waste their time… including you.
Here's the thing.
You roll your eyes, but you don't see how it impacts the world in such positive ways. You don't realize that the people you're rolling your eyes at don't waste their time on Candy Crush and Facebook as much as you think.
It's because of technology I could design my own kitchen, order it, and actually build it with my own hands instead of having the work done for me. It’s because of technology, my husband can get the right item from the store the first time instead of having to make several trips. It’s because of technology that we haven’t stayed in a hotel for ages because we stay on the property of actual people, hear their stories, and make real connections (I’m talking about Airbnb).
Please person, do not misunderstand me. I know that the term “connected” has a different, and sometimes very “disconnected” meaning anymore. I know that the world online lacks the tangible beauty of the world around me. I know that it’s the simple moments, met with conversations and “disconnectedness” that truly make up this life. I know I have a lot of practicing-what-I-preach to work on. And I know you think it’s stupid. Maybe, just maybe, it’s because you haven’t seen the best of it yet. Maybe you’re using it wrong, so you think I am too.
But maybe, if you’d stop rolling your eyes, you’d notice what I do beyond my screens. You’d see a Christian who tries her darndest to share Christ’s love and encourage others. You’d see a faithful, devoted wife who prioritizes her husband to the best of her ability. You’d see a daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, and friend to countless wonderful humans. You’d see a person who loves animals and children and all things lively and bright. You’d see a hard worker who hopes and dreams and prays for the well-being of those around her. You’d see a person who cares, listens, laughs, and teases. You'd see someone who actually advocates for going "screen-free" as often as possible. In the same way that we choose to love one another, you can choose to see me in a light overshadowed by a screen-immersed world. But I sincerely hope that before you roll your eyes, dear person, you remember to show grace and humility instead.
And sure, I’d be glad to help you store your photos somewhere you won’t lose them.
Gifts For A New Mom
Yep, you read that right.
For the mom.
Sorry baby, there were probably a bunch of showers for your sake. This post is for the mamas!
Well, more specifically, for the mama's friends, sisters, husband... or whoever else might have a close enough relationship with her to know her taste and estimate her needs.
Recently, my best friend from college gave birth to their first child. I felt such an overwhelming sense of pride and excitement for my friend, that during the time she was in labor and for days afterward, I just couldn't stop thinking about her. This girl who I lived with, talked with late at night, went on countless dinner dates with, worked with, talked about relationships with, spent nights on the town with, and stood up in each other's weddings, was suddenly a mom. When I see the photos of her beautiful baby, I can't help but tear up and beam with joy. This little baby made my best friend a mom. And then my next thoughts went like this...
Whoa. She's a mom! She's never been a mom before! Wait a minute... what do you need when you're a mom? Do you have time to shower? Or eat? Or feel pretty? Do you need cute but comfy clothes and big underwear? I have no idea. But she better be taken care of.
*Immediately went shopping*
While I was shopping, I had no idea what I was looking for (because.. you know... I'm not a mom) so I legitimately asked moms who were in the store what my friend would like. It was the cutest thing - they had so much to say! One of them even shopped along side me and pointed out items.
As soon as I left the store with my loot, I shipped it off at the nearest post office.
I'm so glad that she loved my care package and that she felt cared for and not forgotten. That was my biggest concern: that mama wasn't forgotten.
Now that I've done this once, I want to do it again. I want to make sure my mama friends are loved, cared for, and remembered. I'm just gonna guess that becoming a mom is a pretty big transition, so what better way to help them transition than give them some items for them. Remind them that even though they have this little person that's changed their world for the better, that they shouldn't cross the road into motherhood and forget about their own, individual needs. Besides, how can they care for their sweet babe when they're a mess?
After reaching out to some other moms in my blogging network, here are some ideas of how to care for the new mamas in your life. Pass it on if you think it will help others! :)
Comfortable nightgown:
One that is easy to wear while breastfeeding, too. My own mom recommended this because she was given one of these and it made her feel prettier and slightly less frumpy.
Candle:
With the smell of poop, diaper cream, and spit-up lingering around, it's nice to have a candle going to bring a clean/nice smell to your home. A little luxury!
Luxury shampoo and conditioner:
If mama can even squeeze a shower into her day, having something extra special to use will feel pampering.
Big water bottle with a straw:
Many times they'll only have one hand to eat or drink, so a water bottle that holds a lot (so they don't have to refill all the time) with a straw will be extra helpful. From what I understand, breastfeeding makes women super thirsty and hungry! Heck, even if she's not breastfeeding, this will make life so much easier.
High waisted yoga pants:
A mom in the store recommended this one. That high band just holds things in and offers more comfort. She also said it became her uniform and she totally embraced it!
Loose, comfy sweatshirt:
More-so if baby was born in the winter. One that is easy to breastfeed with or throw on with their new yoga pants and take a trip to the store.
One-handed snacks:
Going along with the water bottle, those mamas get the munchies and having healthy, fast, one-handed snacks is a life-saver. Maybe something they can pour into a bowl and leave next to their feeding chair all day would be nice. Do you live nearby? Bring her some cleaned fruit, shelled nuts, granola, chopped veggies, cheese sticks/cubes, etc...
Slippers:
Most people probably already own slippers, but if you're like me, you keep the same raggedy ones for years. Get them some new ones! Also nice if they have a rubber bottom and can run outside to check the mail in.
Not pictured
- Favorite candy
- Gifts cards to movie streaming services or Redbox (for long feedings!)
- Amazon gift card. Because they have everything.
- Maid service gift certificate. Let them schedule it themselves so it's convenient for them. Merry Maids is nationwide, I believe. I worked as a Merry Maid for half a summer, and though it was seriously the worst job of my life, they're incredibly thorough. Like, they clean your floors by hand - no joke.
- Coffee for that sleepy mama! Bring her some for her coffee maker... and maybe a fresh cup straight from Starbucks.
- Spa day
- Postpartum belly band
- Homemade freezer meals
- Disposable plates and cutlery
- Cute granny-panties!
- Nice hand lotion
- Facial cleansing cloths
- Dry shampoo
- Body lotion with collagen and vitamin E
- Mini toothbrushes to keep in their purse (ones with toothpaste built-in)
- Bottled water (keep a few bottles in every room and in a purse)
- A baby sling
- Devotional book
- Set up a mealtrain
- If you're local, offer to pop over and do chores or take care of baby while she sleeps
- Take her out for coffee or lunch and let her talk about anything she wants - whether it's baby related or not.
- Coupons for free babysitting!
- Possibly: thick underwear pads and cooling packs for 'down there' - give her a variety of pads/liners. Tuck pads.
- Essential oils (if she's into them)
- Books by a good author
If she's breastfeeding
Are you positive she's breastfeeding? Is she able to breastfeed? Make sure you know the answer to that question before you buy her a ton of things geared towards that. If you don't know the answer and would rather not ask, try the suggestions above!
- Stool softener, prunes, lube, and good lip balm. Your body liquids can dry up, so these things help supplement that loss.
- Nursing tank tops
- Nursing pads (gel ones too)
- Coconut oil for sore/cracked nipples
- Nursing bras - also ones for sleeping
- Cooling pads
Check out this site for some nice breastfeeding products.
For the dads
Don't forget this sweet guy! If you think moms are forgotten, these guys are invisible! Yes, yes, it is mostly about mom and baby, but this is a major life adjustment for him too. He could use some love.
- Gift cards for food
- Beer (if he's into that)
- His own copy of an informational baby book
- Funny baby books about poop, toots, burps for him to read to the baby soon ;) (I loved this idea - so funny!)
Special thanks to the super awesome, sweet ladies from The Peony Project who offered their knowledgable advice on this list - you mamas are wonderful!
What else would you add? I loved this conversation in The Peony Project group and I thought it was so helpful for people like myself who has no idea what it's like to have a baby. Even some soon-to-be moms were following the conversation and getting awesome ideas! Yay for community! Let me know what else :)
Since I am always transparent with my readers, occasionally, affiliate links are also used in my posts which means I may receive a commission from sales generated by them. Some of the above are Amazon affiliate links. However this comes at no extra cost to you and I would never condone a product I didn't personally believe to be of good quality or price. Extra thanks to you for purchasing through one of these links as it helps bloggers immensely!
You Don't Know The Best Time For Me To Have Kids
We know, we're young.
People tell us all the time.
With our youth and marriage, though, there are many who seem to know what's best for us. Strangers, in fact. Or acquaintances. Even friends or family.
Rarely, since we got married, have we been openly advised on what car to buy, where to rent an apartment, what town to buy a home in, or what doctor to go to. Any of those could use a wise recommendation, though, don't you think? Strange, people don't seem to bother with offering well-meaning advice on things of that nature.
There is one area though, that everyone seems to have an recommendation for:
When we should have kids.
I know I know... sometimes these sorts of topics come with the territory of marriage and that's okay. I realize it can even be meant out of love or excitement, and I get that. We've learned to joke light-heartedly about it and brush off silly comments. But as I think about it, and hear it more and more often, it's got me wondering, "Who are you to know when I should have a kid?"
In the Midwest, almost as soon as we said "I will" the comments poured in...
"When are you going to start having kids?" - this one still leaves me speechless. How is that your business at ALL?
"First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes..." - oye.
"You'd sure look cute pregnant!" - *forced smile* ..thannnnks..?
Then there's the grey area of just joking about it. The flat out jokes are the ones we (personally) don't mind. It's no secret that we want children so poking a little fun at the eventuality is understandable and more respectful. These people never claim to know anything about our plans with it, but maybe just like the idea of us joining the ranks of parenthood.
Now in the South, we hear something quite different (and always a little shocking to my Midwest ears)...
"Just waaaiiittt. Take your time. Don't start till you're 30." - I cannot begin to tell you how many people have said this to me. Strangers and everyone in between. Too many people to count, honestly.
"How old are you? Oh, you're a ways off from kids, then, right?" - uhh...
The thing is, their advice in this area will not change what my husband and I talk about. In fact, it won't even make us question our motives or our thoughts on the matter. Part of that is because there is a much better answer to such questions or opinions:
"We don't know when.... but God does."
There are people who get pregnant unexpectedly.
People who wish nothing more than to be pregnant right now.
People who are hoping to wait several more years.
People who are secretly pregnant and the world doesn't know yet.
People who are struggling with infertility.
People who are waiting and have no idea they will struggle with infertility.
People who are using contraceptives.
People who have suffered through a miscarriage or more.
People who are trying, and trying, and trying.
But no matter any of these circumstances, God knows and they don't. Even when we think we know, He may have a totally different plan for our lives.
No one would knowingly set out to tell a woman who is recovering from a miscarriage to "just wait a few years." You would't ask a woman you know is trying amidst infertility "when are you going to start a family?" How could you make the assumption that someone is "a ways off" from starting a family, when for all you know, she is secretly pregnant? Think about the fact that you don't know God's plan for her any more than she does. Also realize that what you wished for in retrospect, may not be something she will wish someday.
As the youngest in a family of seven children, I value large, close-knit crews. My parents married when my mom was 19 so two things seem very normal to me.
1) marrying young
2) having loads of kids
This isn't some kind of forbearance that we're hoping for as large of a brood someday, but for people who tell me to wait until I'm 30... are you assuming I want two or three children? Would you tell me to wait if I told you I wanted six? I find it such an odd piece of advice that no one should feel so inclined to give as it is such a personal decision that varies from one couple to the next.
The same is true for people who encourage it right-after-the-altar. Why would you want to rush children into such a precious phase of life? Because you think we should have twelve of them? Let it be! I know plenty of people who had children right away and are happy as can be, and others who wished it had happened later. Both would say, "...but I am so blessed to be ___'s mom. I wouldn't change that for a second."
People have babies when God blesses them with them. Some sooner than they had planned, and others far later than they'd hoped. Still, God may place children in someone's life exactly when they wanted them. Only He knows.
My point is, please, please, do not super impose personal family planning regrets or opinions on others. You have no idea what they are planning or if their plans are not playing out as they'd hoped. Chances are, they have different hopes and plans than you did. If you're already a parent, think back to the opinions on this that were expressed to you... did they help, hurt, or have any meaning to you at all? For me, in all honesty, these pieces of advice tend to go in one ear and out the other.
A friend recently said it best when she said, "It's all in God's plan. Sure, I wanted it a little sooner than it happened, but then that baby wouldn't be this one. And I can't imagine life without this one."
God's plan is the best plan. Remember that no matter when someone is blessed with babies... whether they're 20 or 32... it was God's will that they begin parenthood just then. Pray God grants them His richest blessings and lift them up. All children are a gift from God... no matter how old their parents are ;)
When Did You Start Taking Life For Granted?
One weekend, I watched a beautiful documentary on Netflix called The Drop Box. The synopsis is as follows:
After finding an abandoned infant on his doorstep in the winter, a pastor builds a special drop box to keep any future foundlings safe.
The Drop Box tells the story of South Korean pastor Lee Jong-rak and his heroic efforts to embrace and protect the most vulnerable members of society. It is a heart-wrenching exploration of the physical, emotional and financial toll associated with providing refuge to orphans that would otherwise be abandoned on the streets. But The Drop Box movie is also a story of hope—a reminder that every human life is sacred and worthy of love. (from IMBD and The Drop Box website)
It gave me a healthy dose of humility, all while bringing me to tears and laughter. Not only does he rescue children who would have otherwise been abandoned in the streets, he has adopted 15 of them (the legal maximum). Many of these babies are only hours old or have mental or physical disabilities. He admits that he never thought he would ever need to adopt any, but says, "The reason I became their father was... God has adopted me."
After seeing the humbling nature of this man, it made me realize how incredibly blessed I am. How many things I take for granted, and how I tend to glaze over the little things that are big things to many others. Maybe you've taken these things for granted too, but to start to New Year off with a grateful heart, I'd like to share a few times in life that deserve more than a fleeting thought.
In those younger years:
- carefree & debt free // not understanding the value of money was bliss.
- mom & dad // why did I ever talk back? Parents are the best.
- family vacations // think of all the memories, meals, souvenirs, etc...
- first jobs // babysitting family friends or working in stores with probably a lot of other classmates... hard, physical labor was somehow fun.
- holidays // you were always home (or at least with your family).
In those college+ years:
- still somewhat carefree // though you probably had bills, rent, food (or alcohol), gas, phone, and tuition bills... it was a simpler time. Very hard, sometimes, but exciting. Future endeavors were within reach. That social life was amazing.
- worshipping together // there is something so special and unique about being in a church with 150+ peers your own age (plus the opportunity to hear various theology professors preach). Roommates, boyfriends, girlfriends... all there for the same purpose. Singing hymns and praying together. When I worship with those friends now, it feels so familiar and so connecting.
- last years of peers // at college and my first job out, I had the privilege of being around lots of people my age/ stage of life. I never thought about that ending, but it did... and when we moved, it was a hard reality. Absolutely took that for granted.
- metabolism // can I get an amen?
- living with your best friends // you had friends/roommates to talk to until 4am. Or you could go get some late night Taco Bell after drinks. Finally, life without curfew! This is such a fun, unique stage of life that goes by oh so quickly.
In those first years of marriage:
- life is a date // lazy Sundays have a whole new meaning with a spouse. You are no longer pigging out and watching movies alone. Every little thing becomes more fun. Going to the laundromat, grocery shopping together, cooking, waking up next to each other. (Honestly, almost three years in, and most of this hasn't worn off. We're trying to let it last)
- easy spontaneity // everyone is more than happy to warn you about losing freedom after kids, so why not listen and do whatever you can on a whim?
- "don't get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life" // it's important to prepare for the future, but it's also easier to take risks, live off less money, and enjoy youthful, wedded bliss at this stage in life. Let go of perfectionism and live. Vacation. Say no. You're finally adult enough to make your own decisions and not feel bad about it!
- quietness & clean-freakness // we know the quiet will someday end and my borderline OCD cleanliness will have to take it down a notch, so this is the time to revel.
In those years with children (my best guesses from here on out!):
- little moments // snuggles and middle of the night wake-ups. Sick snuggles too. Watching them develop each day, little by little. Wishing it would slow down. I'm sure there's too many to even give credence to.
- one-on-one talks // even if it's just about the garbage truck or the bird in the tree. Teaching them to pray and listening to their concerns. Especially sweet when there's more than one and you can catch a few conversations with just one at a time.
- little moments with your spouse // it's a relationship that needs as much love an attention as the children, but it often gets put on the back-burner because of the urgent needs of those little'uns. But those moments you can catch after bath-times and before you crash must be precious.
- that desire to learn // don't children remind you how fascinating the world is? Or how heartbreaking it is to know that some children don't have the opportunity to learn to read when you see the joy your child has in learning it?
- family vacations // the tables are turning, now, aren't they? Now you see the joy your parents had on these excursions.
- seeing your children succeed // In school, yes, but even as they enter the workforce. To see the values you instilled at work in their everyday lives. Their vocation is more meaningful than their paycheck, isn't it?
In those retirement years:
- being husband and wife again // re-learn how to date and find hobbies to enjoy together. Not everyone is given this next part of life to share together. It's worth it to fall in love all over.
- seeing your grandchildren // time with that next generation is so fleeting, but the bond between a grandparent and child is so precious. Having never met my grandfathers, it's worth it to take advantage of the time you have.
- your purpose // you are still so needed by many around you and your purpose doesn't end at a certain age. Finding a way to share your stories, advice, and what you know isn't invaluable. Do people still write their memoirs? I think they should.
Remember that life is fleeting, friends. And I don't mean that morbidly - haha - but it truly is. The material things we own, or buy, or build will not follow us. Memories and little moments are what life is made of. Each day is a gift from God and whether you're old or young, rich or poor, close or far away... cherish the moments that are easily forgotten. At the end of 2016, will you reminisce on the goals you met or didn't meet, or will you think of how much you loved, listened, felt happiness, hurt, or excitement? I know the latter is true for me. So to begin this year, I choose gratefulness. For every moment I forgot to acknowledge last year, I hope to acknowledge them now. Happy New Year, friends - God's richest blessing to you!
Budgeting 101
Alright everyone. Time to talk money.
Have you ever found yourself setting up a budget, only to waiver away and give it up after a month? The reason was probably from feeling too restricted.
It's true, budgeting can definitely feel like you're on a short leash, when you really want no leash at all. Sounds kind of like a diet, doesn't it? Haha... failing after a month (or a week) of restriction definitely sounds like a diet to me!
Not to mention trying to stick to a budget as a married couple, or with a few kids tacked on. It's not an easy subject, and usually becomes a cause of tension between spouses. Before we got married, someone once said to me, "There are three things everyone fights about in marriage: Religion, Sex, and Finances." (Go read my post on marriage being spoken of negatively and why we should fight back). I remember scoffing at that "fact"... and I still scoff at it. BUT I will admit that we've argued about one of those three on more than one occasion over the years: finances.
It usually goes like this: One of you will have an idea of how your money should be spent and saved, and the other will have a totally different view. These thoughts are usually never brought up until that "budgeting night," so everyone suddenly feels thrown off-guard about it, which is why things get a little dicey. We try to re-imagine our budget every 6 months or so, and in the past it's always a "he-said, she-said" battle and ends up being full of snappy voices and eye-rolls.
So the last time we sat down to do our budget, we turned it into a DATE. We bought wine and cheese, and set the table. First we enjoyed our food while talking lightly about some ideas or expectations we each had for our money. Then, we set our food aside and started to hash out all the logistics. We calculated how much is going in and coming out each month (down to the cent) and then went over what budgets we're struggling to stick to and how we can hold ourselves to better standards. Honestly, the HOW is the biggest issue. How do you hold yourself accountable to a budget when the swipe of a card and mishandling of receipts to track are not kept up with? How do you handle those unexpected expenses like a drink after work with your colleagues, or a hostess gift for that party you got invited to?
Well, it was questions like these that got us thinking about our money a little more seriously. No matter how much or how little we had, we wanted to become pros with our finances and put the bickering behind us. And so, I'm going to share with you our best tips, tools, and ideas to make your budgeting as painless as possible.
1. Give budgeting a positive connotation.
As I mentioned before, lighten the mood by making it romantic, funny, or simply light-hearted. Start the process with an open mind, kind voice tone, and a glass of wine. You could also try setting up some serious ground rules before you bring up the topic (ex: no raising your voice, eye-rolling, blaming, etc..).
2. Calculate exactly how much is coming in.
Once you're ready to get down to business, figure out how much you're bringing in each month. Make sure you leave out reimbursements that come in your paychecks, as well as any income that's not as steady or guaranteed (like a freelance client here or there).
3. Calculate your absolute expenses.
By absolute, I mean: mortgage/rent, utilities (figure out the averages), car payments, home/auto insurance, phone bills, credit card payments, student loans, and so on. Take note of what time of month these items are deducted and see if the first half of the month is getting hit harder than the second half or vise versa. Maybe it would be good for you to move some transfers to later or sooner in the month to spread them out.
Minus these items from your monthly income.
4. Create budget categories.
Before you start adding amounts to any of your categories, go over your needs. Clothing, gas, entertainment, food, car maintenance, tithing, non-food items, decor, etc...
Then look over your transactions over a couple of months and see how much you're currently spending in each area. An important one for us that we recently added, was "social spending." This is spending that is often times unavoidable because of a social situation. Like going out for a drink with your colleagues after work, or needing a hostess gift for an upcoming party. They're the things that don't necessarily fall under "food" or "entertainment" and since adopting this new budget, we've seen less stress on our finances.
5. Create an amount for each budget after looking over problem areas.
Make it fair!
We discovered that a problem area for us is food. We always, ALWAYS overspend on food. We were spending a surprising amount on eating out each week, and it was messing with our finances more than we thought. So we chose an amount that wouldn't stretch us too thin, but also curbed it from getting out of hand. We did this in each category and it's been working very well. I have a decor budget each month, which I can choose not to spend in order to "save up" for something bigger later on.
The thing about budgets, is that when used properly, they give you more freedom than if you spent your money on a whim. So don't look at budgeting as a restriction or a repercussion of being bad with your money, but as a way to be smart and ultra responsible. Don't worry about keeping up with anyone else because you have to do what's best for you.
Then, minus your budget amounts from your monthly income.
6. Find resolutions to budgets you have a history with failing at.
For example... to remedy the food problem in a way that forces us to be more accountable, we get cash out for our food budget each Sunday. We have only that amount to use on eating out or groceries. If we meal plan well enough, we can save a little each week to roll over into a nice dinner out every now and then. Sometimes we go out to eat before grocery shopping and we have to deal with a smaller grocery budget. It really forces you to think before you buy. Sometimes we say no to dinners out with friends so that we can stay on budget (or we use entertainment or social spending)... it's difficult, but again, worth it.
7. When to use cash, credit, or debit?
I'll use us as an example and explain how we use each of these methods.
Credit: reimbursable work expenses, gas, and decor. This works well because our card gains sky-miles. Gas is inevitable, and decor is very "set" and I never overspend, so putting these items on a credit card will never get out of hand. We pay it off at the end of each month.
Debit: bills. Anything that needs bank info or needs to be paid for upfront gets the ol' debit.
Cash: Groceries, social spending, car maintenance, clothing, entertainment. All of those areas were causing trouble in over spending. We pull the amounts out in cash and store them in an accordion file. We can build up the amounts if they don't get used one month, and if we do use them, we always communicate it.
Other: Non-food. We realized I was getting all our non-food (toilet paper, toothpaste, cleaning items, make-up, soaps...) from Target and saving 5% with my RedCard. So the RedCard is strictly for those items and sometimes clothing, as long as it's purchased in separate orders for the sake of keeping track of the respective budgets.
I'm no financial advisor, so if you use your cards/cash differently, and find that you can stick to budgets without a problem, more power to ya - this just happens to work best for us!
8. After answering "how," ask yourself "why?"
Why is budgeting important to you? Is it because you're saving for something major? Simply because you want to be super intentional with every dollar you spend? Are you paying off serious debt?
Once you answer "why," you'll find that keeping that answer in mind will help you stay accountable. We're being very strict with our budgets because we're saving for a kitchen remodel. Our "why" has stopped us from purchasing numerous frivolities over the last several months (like a new TV sound system, a $180 coat, a redundant trip, and a camera). It's hard when you feel like others are expecting you to dish out money because they are, or because it seems like you have to be charitable all the time, but if you're working those things into your budget already, anything beyond that shouldn't have to be debated and you should be able to rest easy.
Here are some tools we use to accomplish all of this:
Mint.com - You safely connect all your accounts (bank, credit cards, student loans, car loans, etc..) and you can see all your transactions and allocate your money to the right budgets. It's very easy to use and straight forward. We like to use it to see our budgets in a more visual way. Plus, on a totally random note, I sat next to the CEO's mother-in-law on a plane once, and we talked the whole flight. She was very sweet!
Google Sheets - Basically a sharable/cloud version of Excel. We have our own system for organizing this spreadsheet, but it lets us see what time of month certain bills come out, when things get transferred, how much our savings has grown, etc.. It think this is one that needs to be organized on a person by person basis.
Digit - "Every few days, Digit checks your spending habits and removes a few dollars from your checking account if you can afford it. Easily withdraw your money any time, quickly and with no fees." We used this tool for a while, until we decided we could just save bits and pieces ourselves and not mess with our money be moved to yet another electronic place. Good for people who just can't seem to start saving. It gets you in a habit without even realizing it.
Cash jar - Each of us comes across random cash here and there. Usually from freelancing, babysitting, selling items, etc... and all of that goes into a jar for a rainy day. We used some of it to pay for Christmas decorations (since we didn't have a budget for that), but the rest will probably be used for our trip up north to help with the extra expenses of travel and eating out. It's not much, but it helps our budgets from getting too dented.
Adulting is hard work, guys! Our budgeting secrets will most certainly adapt as the years pass and our income changes. For now though, these easy steps have helped us stay strong in the face of wanting or pressure to spend. The best thing to keep in mind: do what's best for you and your finances and don't compare yourself with others or try to keep up - they do what's best for them and that's okay!
What do you do to budget? Also, thanks for making it to the bottom of this post, I know it was years long!
30 by 30
Now that I'm officially closer to 30 than I am to 20, I think it's time for me to come up with a fun little challenge of accomplishments I hope to make by the time I hit the big 3-0. Some are more measurable than others, but there's a lot of great things in life that can't be measured... am I right? I'll be sure to update this list periodically, as I go.
- Learn to enjoy ONE semi-athletic behavior. Does drinking coffee count as an athletic feat?
Summer 2017: Love my workout routine - low weight high reps - Visit 3 cities I've never been to before.
1. San Antonio 2. Nashville 3. Florence, Italy 4. Pisa, Italy 5. Paris, France 6. Dijon, France 7. Reykjavik, Iceland - Learn to sew.
My mom taught me in March 2018! - Double my readership.
Check! - Keep eating cheesy breadsticks. Because why stop?
Yup. - Become an amateur photographer as a side hustle.
Working on it - Remodel the main floor of our house. By mostly our own labor.
Finished early June 2016 - Make a steady, monthly income from blogging and freelancing.
Affiliates! - Have a child... or two... or three? I wonder how many we could squeeze in before 30? Or is that a different sort of challenge? Hahaha
Well, infertility sort of threw this one for a loop - but Silas Benedict arrived May 2018! - Give 5 gifts "just because."
Check - Create a new baking recipe simply through trial and error and WRITE IT DOWN.
Bacon asparagus quiche - recipe to come. - Become fluent in Spanish.
- Master living simply. Materialistically, mentally, and through intentionality with time.
I'm not sure I've mastered it, and I'm not sure how to measure that, but it's part of my every day life and it's been amazing. - Get professional photos taken.
- See Coldplay in concert.
July 2016 - Read about it! - Have my husband teach me simple graphic design skills. So is this more his goal, or mine? Because it's kind of his fault if I don't reach it, right? ;)
- Try 30+ new wines.
||||| ||||| ||||| ||||| ||||| ....yes. this one was easy - Get stronger (physically).
My husband informed me that my legs aren't as soft as they used to be, so this is slowly happening (I really didn't imagine sticking to this one, so I'm surprised at myself) (Summer 2017) - Become an expert on money management and budgeting. At least an expert in our own finances.
Tom is our money manager and I think he's doing great. - Write a children's book. Even if it's just for my own kids.
Working on it! - Send out Christmas cards every year (we are soooo bad at this).
2015 2̶0̶1̶6̶ 2017 - Finally get our Bernese Mountain Dog.
Check! - Do something spontaneous and/or adventurous with my husband twice a month.
Nov 2015: Biked San Antonio // invited guests for Thanksgiving at the last minute
Dec 2015: tried Columbian food // walked in a parade with Bernese Mountain Dogs
Jan 2016: saw Star Wars again // bought something OFF our grocery list *gasp* Blue Bell
Feb 2016: Tom bought us Coldplay tickets // had cake for no good reason
Mar 2016: bought a kitchen // got some new phones
Apr 2016: started a kitchen renovation // bought a grill
May 2016: saw the Giants play // took an unplanned trip to IKEA
June 2016: camped overnight in a field up north // bought new appliances
July 2016: got rootbeer floats instead of groceries // stayed in an Airbnb in WI
Aug 2016: saw Needtobreathe in concert // went to a local festival
Sept 2016: looked at campers // left the house for a date at 10:30pm
Oct 2016: went to our favorite mediterranean restaurant // carved pumpkins!
Nov 2016: we got a DSLR camera // we decided to get a puppy
Dec 2016: we ate at a Culver's an hour away // we saw Rogue One
Jan 2017: we took our new puppy to an outdoor mall and got wine // we hiked
Feb 2017: went to Ponce City Market // went to Italian instead of getting groceries
Mar 2017: started a garden inside // tried Cajun food
Apr 2017: seeded grass in the backyard // bought flights to Iceland, France, and Italy
May 2017: stopped at some favorite places in Milwaukee // went out for drinks at Avalon
June 2017: visited Twin Peaks in SF // went couch shopping // (bonus: made sushi!)
July 2017: went shoe shopping for Europe // went shopping with road sodies (wine)
August 2017:
September 2017:
October 2017:
November 2017:
December 2017:
January 2018:
February 2018:
March 2018:
April 2018:
May 2018:
June 2018:
July 2018: - Eat at a Michelin starred restaurant.
We totally had the chance in France and we didn't! - Do a 30 day photo challenge.
December 2016! - Communicate my gratefulness and love to my husband in some way, every day.
Check, check, check - happily! - Read the Bible cover-to-cover.
- Find my inner green thumb.
We started a garden! April 2017 - Not get lame. Specifically not get "too old" for staying up late, being spontaneous, not let kids be an excuse (unless it's to get out of something lame), and not look at myself as "old."
- Go to the Kentucky Derby.
What would you add?
After You Move: Steps to Loving Your New Location
For some people, moving is as a normal as trading in a car after a couple years of use. For the rest of us, though, it can seem like a life-altering event... and in many ways it is. In the beginning it alters your routine. Suddenly you're dealing with a new space to turn into a home, you're familiarizing yourself with amenities nearby, you're learning how your new grocery store is laid out and what they have or don't have. Maybe you even have to follow your phone's GPS for several weeks to get yourself anywhere (I still do!). Nevertheless, it's a huge transition and one that doesn't really come with a manual for acclimating yourself.
We moved to Georgia, just over a year ago from Wisconsin. I wish I could say it had been a cinch, but my first several months here were met with situational depression (sometimes called adjustment disorder). I missed my friends, family, familiarity, the culture of Wisconsin, road systems (haha), and my old sense of adventure that seemed to blossom in the less populated Midwest. Majority of those first months were spent in tears that often times had nothing to even trigger them besides "not feeling like myself." Thankfully, I have a kind and caring husband who handled my emotions with grace, and it was very meaningful to be able to talk to my mom and sisters so frequently on the phone. In fact, it was whilst talking to my oldest sister, one day, that I finally had the breakdown my mind and body needed. I bawled on the phone after she asked casually how I had been. It was the kind of cry a child has when they're literally blubbering and you can't understand a single word in between those 'cry-breaths.' I don't know how to better describe it, unfortunately, but it was rather pathetic and I think I made my sister miss a portion of a class she was taking! After that, though, things seemed to get better with each day. Now, I feel more at home, and still each day, I'm growing to love Georgia bit by bit... especially its weather!
The thing is, I know my scenario probably isn't unusual, and I think it would do some good to open up about the struggles related to this. Moving is very hard for some people, and finding the right support can be difficult. Like my post on relating to others, it's easy to forget how hard something like a move can be. In two years, I'll look back on my move with glazed eyes, and tell the newcomer to our hometown how they'll get used to it. How does that help them? When people told me that, it only made me more alone. It made me feel like I just needed to tough it out and forget I was struggling with it.... and it just didn't help.
Today, if you're struggling from the changes of a new move let me help you. Let me be honest and tell you that it's not very easy, sometimes. That it's lonely and foreign and misunderstood. Let me also tell you, that it will get better... but in the meantime, it's okay to cry. Let me help you, by giving you some ideas I wish I had tried a little sooner. Remember that it's an adventure and good things will come in time!
1. Acclimate to a nearby grocery store.
It sounds silly, but once I felt comfortable knowing my way around the nearest grocery store, I felt more at home. When you don't feel like you're making laps and always missing the item you're looking for, you'll know you're a little more established. When I actually started to get to know the employee's names and faces over the course of a few weeks, I had a familiar place to go during those times I felt lonely.
2. Learn to love the area culture.
This is one I should have thought of the minute we moved here! When I moved to Wisconsin for school, I fought the "Wisconsin pride" culture until my graduating year. When I finally let myself love it and stop seeing myself as a foreigner (a native Iowan), I finally fell in love with it! The beer, cheese, custard, cold weather activities, seasonal festivals, foodie culture, and coffee roasteries became my happy place and a source of camaraderie amongst the people around me. Upon moving to Georgia, I just kept focusing on how much it wasn't Wisconsin and I hated it (I'm still learning the culture in Georgia). Once you appreciate it for what it is, you can love it. Just as my mom says: once you learn to love someone for exactly who they are, instead of wishing they were different, you'll learn they're more easy to be around and you'll enjoy their company.
3. Instigate social activities.
This one was hard for me. I felt insecure and worried that people wouldn't want to hang out with me and often just waited for people to invite me. I still struggle with this a little, but it's important to put yourself out there to meet new people. Whether it's inviting a co-worker out for a drink, or having some friends over for dinner, the social interaction is important. Say yes to as many social engagements in the beginning as you're able. Working from home made this especially hard for me. Thankfully, though, I now have people nearby that I can text on a moment's notice and meet up with for coffee or lunch.
4. Create a support group.
For me, it was just my sisters, mom, and friends through phone calls (and Tom, but I hated that he always had to get the brunt of my tears). I would suggest finding (at least) one person you can visit with in real life. It took time, but now I can say there's a few souls in the area that I can be real with and go to for a little venting session.
5. Explore!
Like the grocery store stability idea, also find some "favorites" early on. A go-to for Chinese take-out. Your favorite place to grab a beer and watch the game. Best place for a casual date night. Best place to browse when you're bored (for us it's an outdoor mall). Find a new favorite coffee shop to visit occasionally. Where's the best BBQ? Slowly become an expert on your area, and keep learning about all the fun, hole-in-the-wall spots!
6. Find a church home.
This was an obvious one for us, as it's very important in our life. Once we found a stable, comfortable, familiar place to worship, other pieces fell into place. We had a place besides our actual house that felt like home. People we could count on seeing every week, people who's lives we knew about and who knew about ours. All with the same basis of faith and community. We are always so thankful that it was one of the very first positive things we found upon moving!
7. Invite friends and family to visit.
This was easier than we imagined. People WANTED to visit because of the weather and we had about one or two visitors every month for nearly a year! This gave us something to look forward to, especially on the days when we felt especially lonely. Seriously... knowing that people were going to come see me, kept me sane.
8. Plan trips!
This one has been a lifesaver! In learning to love a new area, it's also important to learn what kinds of things are a short drive away. It familiarizes you even further and helps you realize that you live somewhere pretty darn cool! We've driven to the ocean, to the mountains, to Nashville, and are planning some flights in the near future for family visits as well as leisure and work. Getting away is very important in learning to love where you live - it goes along with becoming an expert :)
9. Remember the positives.
For a while, it was easy to focus on the negatives.
No one here 'gets' me... their beer isn't as good... the traffic is horrible... why is it so expensive?... I miss my friends...
When those thoughts creep in, overrule them with positivity.
I have friends worth missing... their sweet tea is so much better... the weather here is incredible... I love that people want to visit... we got a house here!
Just the act of being positive about it will enhance your overall mood.
10. Find a routine.
Personally, I need a stable routine. Too many interruptions in my day-to-day and I feel stressed. I try to keep an even balance between time with Tom, time for work, social activities, and personal growth. It's hard to say no (more on that later!) but managing your schedule and what works best for you will not only help you, but your relationships with others as well. For example, leaving room for spontaneity is very important to me, so sometimes I say no, so I can say yes to something crazy!
I'm so glad to mostly be on the other side of the transition of our move. It was a struggle that I felt alone in, and it caused me to close off to the few people I had met. I'm learning more and more to go to others when I'm in need of some love and prayers, but also to buck up and have confidence in who I am. I feel more like the "old me" every day and my independence is finally starting to peek through. The fragility of my emotions seems to be something of the past, now, and I'm so glad to say it. Tom has been such an encouragement and I'm always blessed to have my Savior to lean on in all my troubles (and joys!).
Is this struggle something you know all too well? What has helped you? I won't tell you it's easy, because it wasn't, but I will tell you it gets better. In the meantime, I hope these ideas can help.
When Advice Forgets to Relate
It's amazing to look back on how your life changes, and how you can personally grow in such a short time, isn't it? Is there a small grouping of years in your life that you feel you matured and changed immensely?
My husband and I recently made such an observation.
We met our freshman year in college at 19 years old. We were good friends, but were dating other people at the time, and weren't all that interested in each other... at least in a romantic way. Over the next two and a half years, we dated other people, but would occasionally find ourselves hanging out with mutual friends. Halfway through our junior year, we started dating because we realized we were best friends and had suddenly become attracted to each other (which was weird/exciting haha). We graduated the next year, got engaged three months later, married eight months after that, moved 800 miles a year and a half later, and will have babies one of these days, God-willing.
Think of that. In a span of less than seven years we went from teen friends - boyfriend/girlfriend - college graduates - living independently - career driven - engaged - married - big move - new careers - homeowners. And it's not like we're unusual... many people have followed similar paths.
Take a moment, though, and consider the growing that occurs in those years (or other short spans when you feel you matured quickly). The things I talked about, that were important to me only six years ago, pale in comparison to what is important now. If 19 year old you, knew 26 year old you, wouldn't you be shocked?! Tom and I often remark that if the "freshman year us" knew the "married us," we wouldn't believe it for a second.
You've maybe read some of my previous posts on being perceived as a baby when you're an adult, or about being void of peers during transitional periods.
Oh my, it would be easy for me to look back at 19 year old me, and think about what a baby I was (because I was). What would be the point, though? I was younger, yes. Less "adult" than I am now. But if I look down on the younger version of myself as though it's lightyears away, would I begin to treat other 19 year olds as babies?
I had a recent conversation with my sister, in which we talked about forgetting how a stage in life felt. Someone from a stage in life, that you've long passed, may come to you with frustration and complaints about what's been happening. When you're so beyond it, it's easy to forget how 'big' that time in life felt, and how much stress or sadness you dealt with. You'll hear them and think, "It's fine. You'll get past it soon. Just deal." In doing so, it minimizes that person's experience and their feelings.
When you really think back, you might just remember how tough that time in your life truly was. Of course, I look back at the struggles in college and think "pshht... compared to home renovations, college struggles were a cinch." When I REALLY think back, though, I can remember that horrible feeling of working so hard on school work while juggling jobs, and still not being able to afford gas to get to my internships. I remember refusing to turn the air on so that my utility bills wouldn't cut into my meager food budget that basically allowed me to live off peanut butter toast (no joke). It was hard!
When I hear people only a few years younger than me express their similar struggles, it's so much easier to minimize it and think to myself, "Oh they have no idea what's ahead." What a dismissive response! If I told them as much, wouldn't it feel like me building up a wall between us as if to say, "Call me when you realize how much this didn't matter?"
It's nice to receive advice, but sometimes it's just nicer to receive empathy or a relatable discussion. One that says that it doesn't matter how "far removed" you may be from a stage in life... that time was hard. Offer prayer and encouragement (sound like my marriage post?). Admittedly, it is hard not to diminish someone's struggles, when you've already passed them yourself. Instead, maybe think of a current struggle and realize that sometimes all you need is grace and understanding. Someone to pat you on the back and tell you it's hard. Not the overarching 'been-there-done-that' attitude that makes you feel small.
Seven years isn't a long time. It is, however, long enough to feel removed from a stage of life you were in only a year or two prior (what comes to mind: heavy social involvement with classmates, bar hopping, very late nights, awkward dating, being very poor, class projects, first career-step woes, apartment living, etc..). But instead of grabbing hold of pride (a sin I struggle with), maybe if I can just remember the struggles and offer more understanding, rather than advice, it can open my heart to relating to people on a kinder level. How does my 'just-you-wait' attitude help or relate to this person? Am I shutting them out? Probably.
Admittedly, it's a hard habit to break, because it's one that comes naturally to us (to seem wiser). But by breaking down age-related barriers, maybe we'll find a way to relate so deeply to those behind us (or beyond us) in years. Each of us has such unique experiences to offer, and though you think you've been-there-done-that, maybe they've endured a struggle you will never have to face. Struggles that you cannot imagine bouncing back from.
A verse that often comes to mind is this:
Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. (1 Timothy 4:12)
That verse so beautifully sums up my meaning! Age is not a defining factor of who we are, because we grow and change immensely in only a matter of years. In the same way a career is not what defines us. We are daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents, friends, and most of all - children of God. We are all saved by God's grace and given the gift of faith through Christ's death and resurrection. We are all called to set an example in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity - whether we are older or younger - it makes no difference.
For me, I will challenge myself to offer a little more grace, a listening ear instead of an advice-heavy tongue, and a chance to develop relationships and community with those I see myself 'beyond.' It means pushing back on the Old-Adam-habit to build distance, and instead try to build commonality. It means setting pride aside, and simply offering connection. Let's cling to a little humility and gather up encouragement.
When was your big growth spurt? Have you made a similar observation about age-barriers?