Stop Looking For Love
"Ugh... that's what EVERYONE says"
Maybe you should listen!
Have you ever been frantically running out the door because you're late for work but you can't find your freaking phone!?!?! You tear through your bedding, dig through your makeup case, check every pants or coat pocket you see, dig through your purse, and finally dump it out... only to realize... your phone is in your hand?
Everyone has a different love story, but I believe once you find it, you'll look back and realize it was right under your nose! You were just so set on looking for it that you didn't even notice it was RIGHT THERE. A lot of it has to do with timing, but nevertheless, it's just there.
Tom and I, as an example...
We met our freshman year of college. We had a lot of the same classes, and even carpooled to a class off campus. We were just friends. He had a girlfriend, and I had a boyfriend. But we clicked as friends and I verbally told him "I could never date you Tom. You're such a good friend"... and he agreed. We remained friends over the next two years. Our junior year, we worked side-by-side in the IT department on campus. A few of his friends had a thing for me and would go to him for advice, and I was asking him advice on how to get rid of them. Suddenly we were hanging out alone just because we liked each other's company. Still just friends. We went on friend dates and took turns buying drinks or movie tickets.
... and then we kinda got attracted to each other and it was weird. So we decided to TRY dating and see what happened. Well, almost 4 years later and we're married. All those years! He was right under my nose! It's like that quote up above - we quietly gave some love to each other, even if just as friends, and that's what we noticed. I noticed that he was patient, and he noticed that I was sarcastic.
But I wasn't LOOKING for it. The night we started "dating" I had had dinner with a friend and told her I was happy being single. I liked where I was and felt good about myself and independent. Literally TWO hours later I had a boyfriend. Bahaha... If we had dated at any point BEFORE that, I don't think we would have lasted. God knew when the timing would be perfect.
That's just one example though... but go out and ask your friends, parents, siblings, etc. I bet they'll tell you they were NOT looking for it.
All I'm saying is, go out and meet people. Go on dates, but if you don't want to, then don't! Go have coffee by yourself. I once got asked on a date in a Panera Bread while eating alone. Look up from your devices and meet people. If love doesn't come from it, confidence in yourself will.
So don't go looking for it. Pursue God, pursue yourself, and the rest will follow.
10 Things I've Learned About Marriage
We are headed into October very, very soon.
And I suddenly realized that shortly thereafter Tom and I will have been married for a year and a half.
Okay, okay. I am not one of those "OMG! We've been married a year and 2 months and 12 days and 4 hours and 15 minutes and 6 seconds!" kinda gals. But I guess I also looked at my blog categories and realized the Weddings & Marriage portion is getting a tad dusty.
So here is a list of several things that, in the past year and a half, have made a difference in our marriage.
1. Don't fuss over the little things (just like everyone says)
This might seem like "Well, yeah I've heard this a million times... duh." But I really think this one is worth repetition. Do those strewn shoes you always trip on make you want to bang your head against a wall? If you were to lose the love of your life, you'd give anything for them to leave their shoes strewn around just one more time. Tom's shoes are always like this and I hate tripping over them... but over time, I've made less and less fuss over picking them up.
2. But the little things actually mean a lot
No, I am not contradicting myself here. The small things can make such a difference, especially when you acknowledge and appreciate them. When Tom does the dishes after I make something or picks up his shoes before I have to... Or how I always do the laundry, fold his clothes, and put them away. When I grab him a beer, while I'm grabbing one for myself, or how he gives me the last bite of ice cream. Those are such small things, but man-oh-man do they make a difference. Not only do I know he'll appreciate having clean clothes for the week, but he also TELLS me how much he appreciates that. Would he still do those random acts of kindness even if I didn't thank him for it? I'm sure he would, but being outwardly appreciated for it sure makes you want to keep doing it! And when he gives me that last bite of ice cream, you can bet he'll always get a wink and smile of appreciation from me :)
3. One bad day doesn't dictate your whole marriage
Sometimes I get in these funks where I'm just unforgivably annoyed. Nothing cheers me up. I'm grumpy and moody... and somewhere in there I let my mood dictate our relationship. Like I make the biggest deal out of the smallest things - it's unhealthy and pretty cruddy of me, as a person, to do. I'm getting better at it, and Tom is actually the bomb-diggity at cheering me up. But it is definitely a lesson I've learned. It isn't fair to my main squeeze and he deserves someone who isn't going to let a bad mood make their relationship a buzz kill too. Usually, coffee and a biggggg hug helps though.
4. It's not about you
Yeah... soooo... selfishness doesn't have a place in marriage. Period. You are encouraging, uplifting, holding, and supporting your spouse. Their needs go above yours. Sometimes that can be a transition. For me, I used to sometimes choose clothes shopping over grocery shopping and eat toast for a week. In marriage, that doesn't work. What, am I going to insist on that $85 dress instead of groceries for our week? No! It should be such a privilege and blessing to have someone to put before yourself. Do I feel a little "behind the times" in my wardrobe? Yep, but we aren't starving!
5. Bickering or fights are inevitable - but it matters how you go about it
We have a few rules for when we get nippy with each other:
- Do not talk over each other.
- Do not raise your voice (And if you do, and the other clocks you on it, there is no getting defensive. Just take a breath).
- Do not shut down.
- Absolutely NO name calling.
- Listen and respect what each other is saying.
- And do not diminish or demean each other's feelings.
We are two different people. Tom is not "my other half" and vise versa. We are individuals that work together as one, but we will have differing opinions, views, or ideas. So what ends up happening in our spats, is two people working to understand the other in open and honest communication. No putting up walls, just open. So truthfully, our "fights" are really pretty calm and I am so thankful we learned this right away and set up ground rules.
6. Laugh, laugh, LAUGH
We make jokes out of everything. I think it's my favorite part of marriage. All the inside jokes, secret signs to each other in public, and the ENDLESS sarcasm. Some would say that sarcasm in a marriage is damaging. If it sounds like this: "Oh of course you wouldn't ever do that. Because you neeevverrrr make mistakes. You're sooooo perfect!" then, absolutely - very damaging over time. However, sarcasm is built into our personalities and it sounds like this:
(While driving around looking for somewhere to eat)
"What do you want for lunch?"
"Ruth's Chris"
"So something cheap?"
We laugh a lot. It does the ab muscles good.
7. A little PDA does the soul some good
A while back, I wrote a post about holding hands (check it out here). This post still rings true to me. I hate seeing young couples, especially, not holding hands or showing any kind of affection. Okay, so you aren't "touchy" people. Or you don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Sorry, but if people have an issue with me holding my HUSBAND'S hand, then we live in a weird, weird, society. It is the most non-intrusive way to show someone affection, and I for one will always be for it. Even a kiss on the forehead or a little peck is harmless in my book. I like people to know we belong together, and it makes me fuzzy when that guy grabs me around the waist and plants one on my forehead. He's letting the world know I'm his, and in doing so makes me feel pretty darn loved. I say keep up the PDA! At least to an extent... everything in moderation, right?
8. Plus other physical things
Okay, I'm not gonna get all "hot and heavy" on this part because I'm pretty sure our moms read this (haha sorry moms!), so all I'm gonna say is... be intimate and enjoy. What an awesome God-given gift. Yes, I'm talking about sex. I once read an article about a really old lady talking about marriage. When she started talking about sex, she said "I don't understand the excuse 'I'm too tired.' Unless you've been lifting boulders from sun-up to sun-down, then being tired is no excuse" I think that's good advice and keeps the excuses out of the bedroom.
9. Forgive and then forgive some more
This is huge. The thing is, you're gonna hurt each other, you're gonna be wrong, you're gonna be right, you're gonna make mistakes because you're human and you sin. So forgive, forgive, forgive. Forgive out of love, and because you're going to need forgiving too. You don't just say it, you MEAN it. I don't even have more to say about it, because it speaks for itself. You have a lifetime on this earth with this one person and you're going to come across disappointments and mistakes, so you had really better learn to forgive.
10. Marriage is really great
I'll just go ahead and say it. Marriage is so awesome. It is such a blessing that God gives us, and though we have plenty more to learn, and we'll have our share of ups and downs, going through life with someone who loves waking up next to you, kissing you goodnight, and everything in between is indescribable. You can't explain it, and unless you're in it, you don't really get it. One of my best friends who has known Tom and I from the start, was single up until this past year. Now she's with the guy she's going to marry, and I will never forget how she came to this realization one day: "Joy, you know I have always been you and Tom's biggest fan. I love your relationship, and I have always been so happy for you and listened to you talk about how much you love him. But I never fully realized what you meant until now. Now I GET IT. It's amazing and unlike anything else... and all those times you'd tell me about what it's like never made sense until now. I GET IT!" It's so true, there is just something you don't "get" until you're with the right person, and wow. It's so incredible.
I know we're only a year and a half in, but that first year teaches you a lot. You depend on someone else, and someone else depends on you. You aren't living this life for you, you first and foremost live it for God... but along your side is someone who will encourage you and live this life with you as a partner and companion. There will be more things to learn, and I am looking forward to the journey that comes with that.
6 Reasons To Get Married In The Morning
Now, I am no wedding expert. And I'm certainly not going to pretend like I know what's best for every couple...but if you're looking for something unique, memorable, and off-the-beaten-path, a morning wedding is a fantastic choice.
Tom and I had said from the start that a great, big, traditional wedding wasn't going to be very "us", so we decided that a small one with fewer than 100 of our closest friends and family (the final count was about 75 people) would be ideal. We wanted the focus to be our marriage, and the relationship between us and God. I guess you could say we wanted an "intimate" wedding (but my family is huge and really rambunctious, so it seemed like a bigger wedding to me).
Anyways, we realized, shortly into planning this small wedding, that our choice of venues was pretty open. The larger ones could usually be made to look less expansive, and the smaller options were able to fit our guest list without a hitch. We jumped at the opportunity to pick an amazing venue to fit us just right. That's when Tom and I found The Villa Terrace Decorative Arts Museum. We fell in love with its old character and the overlooking view of Lake Michigan. When my mom (who basically planned everything; I just told her what colors I liked. She even picked our cake! She was amazingggg) asked us about small details, like what kind of food we wanted, how we wanted it to feel, etc...I realized that maybe an evening reception wouldn't "feel right".
I think we had been talking about dessert preferences and I mentioned that I didn't care all that much about them, but that I really wanted good coffee. And suddenly, the idea came up: Why not have a brunch reception? A huge part of Tom and I's relationship centered around going out for coffee and brunch after church on Sundays, so how fitting would it be to do exactly that - a morning wedding with a brunch reception! Tom even proposed to me during one of our usual after-church brunch times.
To make sure The Villa was the right choice, my mom drove out to Milwaukee to see it and other venues for herself, but fell in love with it immediately. She mentioned the brunch idea to several venue coordinators who looked at her with a sort of "lightbulb moment" that said, "Wow! Why didn't I ever think of that?!"
So from that day forward, we planned a morning wedding followed by a brunch reception. It was one of the best decisions we made and there are so many reasons I'm glad we did this over a traditional wedding. Let me break it down into a few points.
1. You don't have to spend all morning and into the afternoon getting nervous.
Or maybe it's not even about the nerves. For me, it was just nice to get married soon after I woke up so that the day didn't just drag on. I've been in plenty of traditional weddings, all of which were lovely....but there is soooo much waiting around! Our ceremony was at 9:30AM on a Saturday, so I woke up around 6:30 or 7, and had a good friend come to our hotel to do my hair. Just like any other wedding-day-prep, I was surrounded by my mom, dad, sisters, cousin, and best friend...it just didn't take all day! We all did hair and makeup ourselves, and my photographer showed up to capture the moments. It was relaxed and so calm and happy! We got the the church at about 9:15 and I was married by 10:15AM! The rest of the day was a cinch and any little nerves were GONE!
2. You get to have brunch.
I think there is a stigma about "wedding food". How it all tastes the same and there is little variety (chicken, fish, steak...). Our reception was from 11AM-2PM and we had mimosas and a coffee bar! Everyone raved about how delicious our wedding food was...long after the day. Tom and I get a little sad because we don't remember how good it was (#weddingblur) and my dress was so fitted that I could hardly fit anything into my smooshed stomach! Nonetheless, having a brunch reception was so different, that that in itself stood out to our guests. No soggy cooked vegetables were found here, unless they were in a delicious omelette or quiche! Plus it brought out a sentiment that was a long-time part of our relationship: coffee and brunch. Very fitting for us - and check out the spread:
3. The party doesn't end in the middle of the night.
Some people revel in partying at a wedding ALL night. Sure, it's traditional, and there's nothing wrong with it...but for us, we'd rather have our wedding not end at midnight in a sweaty suit and dress. We did elect to have a DJ there for music during brunch, the first dance, mother-son, father-daughter, and dancing afterwards (We basically picked some cheap, rando DJ off the street though, and he kind of made things awkward by playing S&M...oh well, he made it memorable). We are big on dancing, but it's true, people weren't as prone to getting down and jiggy at 1PM. However, I have like 12 nieces and nephews who owned the floor. And when a song with sentimental value between groups of friends or family was played, you can bet people got into it (Example: Sisters, Call Me Maybe...).
Moral of the story, it was great to not feel completely exhausted from an entire day of waiting and primping and dancing and drinking. Plus, think about your parents and family who maybe have to help afterwards (taking your gifts, picking up center pieces, etc...). I know of a few weddings where I had to be a helper for this. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to do it, but man-oh-man it's exhausting at that point of the night! Oh, and kids? They weren't dragging their parents out by 9PM because it was past their bedtime - they got to play all afternoon, and so did their parents!
4. People don't get drinky.
This could be seen as a pro or a con, I suppose. Again, having been to our fair share of weddings, who DOESN'T like an open bar?? You and all your friends get dressed up and drink till you find yourself dancing a solo to "Don't Stop Believin'" or polka with that one uncle of the groom who also likes to party hard. I am not hating on a good open bar by any means. However, it was actually really great to be "all there" and just enjoy genuine time with my friends and family. It felt like a celebration more than it felt like a party, if that makes sense. Plus, we didn't have to worry about people driving with too much alcohol in their systems, anyone getting sick all over the bathrooms, or fronting a huge booze cost when all was said and done.
5. Everyone has the rest of the day.
After 2PM, when it was time to head out of the venue, we had a group of our friends (or whoever else wanted to) meet us at a bar downtown for some extra celebrating. We didn't have to pay for more time at the venue, pay the silly amounts at a cash bar, and we all got to hang out in our wedding attire and party some more! Plus, our photographer was amazing and followed us out on the town too. Families got to get their kids back to hotels to nap, others from out of state got to explore Milwaukee, and still others could travel home at this point. It was great! The Villa overlooked Lake Michigan, so apparently a good amount of people went to check that out too. Again, no one left the wedding feeling exhausted, and that was a huge plus.
After we met our friends, Tom and I jumped into our car (wedding clothes and all - I thought it was romantic), and drove to Chicago where we stayed overnight and flew out to Cancun in the morning. We got to the hotel in the late afternoon, changed, and had dinner at the hotel restaurant (Bar Louie). We both ate dinner in disbelief that we had gotten married just hours before...and it was the most relaxing nacho platter dinner I've ever had. We always think back to that dinner and I am so glad we have such a serene memory from our day. We went to bed at a normal hour, got up for yet another calm morning, and leisurely got on our flight to Mexico. It was perfect.
6. The time makes everything cost effective.
A few things made our wedding far less expensive than the average priced wedding of today.
- It was off season - April.
- Booking the church was simple because it was at 9:30AM. Another wedding could book in the afternoon if necessary... or if there was a Saturday church service, it wasn't interrupted.
- Same for the venue - another wedding could technically happen once we left by 2PM, thereby giving them an opportunity for more money.
- SAME with the food! They simply catered a (lovely) brunch and could still use their staff for an evening wedding! From our planning there was a significant cost increase for a dinner vs. a brunch.
- We only had wine and champagne, and we were only charged for however many bottles got opened... which was not a lot, because who really guzzles champagne at 11AM?
Looking back, Tom and I still cherish the day. Obviously, every single day after our wedding has been full of even more love and happiness. Probably the best thing I took away from that beautiful brunch was not a wedding... but a marriage... a husband... MY husband.
Did anyone else do a morning wedding? Let's hear about your day!
Would you ever consider doing this but you don't know where to start or what questions to ask? Comment below! I'd love to help!
One Year Married
I really cannot believe that Tom and I have been married a whole year. In the grand scheme, yeah, a year is short. But I feel like we've been married for like 4 months - does time progress in marriage?? It's really so wonderful though, and we have already been on a great adventure of marriage together. It's fun to figure things out with someone - there are gives and takes and joys and disappointments and it all converges into such a beautiful thing. I get to share in this guy's life....for the REST of his life! And there has hardly been a dull moment. I swear, friendship is the key to marriage (because obviously I know soooooo much about marriage now that we've been together a WHOLE YEAR!). Seriously though. Tom and I were joking, teasing, good talks, and funny story telling friends before we ever even dated. That friendship grew into more, but the FRIENDS part remained.
Anyways, to celebrate our first year...of course...it mostly involved food.
We're going to become such food and wine snots before we know it.
We didn't do legitimate gifts (okay, Tom got a couple bottles of rye and bourbon, and I get to take myself shopping), but overall, we really enjoy experiences more than THINGS.
So Friday, we made steak and twice baked potatoes to go with a 2009 Italian import red wine that my CEO gave to us for our wedding last year. We saved it just for this occasion, and wow. It was amazing.
Saturday we took a trip to the Basilica of Saint Josaphat in Mil-town because I've never seen it. I adore historical architecture, so it was amazing to finally see it. Breakfast included french press coffee and monkey bread. Oh! And we got BRAND new phones and a new carrier!
Sunday we went to church, spent the afternoon at the mall (happy wife!), drove up to Port Washington where we were supposed to eat at The Pasta Shoppe.....but as I was getting out of the car, I dropped my BRAND NEW phone on the ground and the screen shattered. Soooo we drove BACK to the mall (the nearest T-Mobile) and they were randomly closed an hour earlier than usual. So in between my tears, we decided on a place near downtown Milwaukee and split a bottle of wine. Then we took a walk by the lake and FINALLY headed home. It was a long, fun, very eventful day.
I'll leave a trail of pictures so that this doesn't get long-winded....but cheers to my husband for an incredible year of marriage.
Why do couples stop doing this?
I think holding hands is the most basic and non-intrusive form of showing someone affection. I think it is something so small, that no couple should ever have an excuse not to do if their hands are not occupied with something else and they are walking with or sitting next to their significant other. I tend to pay attention to this a lot, being a newlywed, in couples older and wiser than myself...but what I've largely found is that they don't hold hands! Even young couples like my husband and I who have been together around 3 or so years don't do it! It's such a tiny statement of affection and possession, but no one does it anymore.
I once watched an entire theater exit a movie, as we were waiting to enter it, majority of them older or middle aged couples. I watched them walk from their theater, all the way down the hall to leave the building. NOT ONE couple grasped their partner's hands (one woman out of the crowd put her arm through his arm). Men had their hands in their pockets and the women just wandered along side. It was so sad - I just wanted to shout "Hold her hand! She's right there!"
I could go on and on about this subject...I feel very strongly about it. Maybe it's just me. Others maybe don't get anything from holding the hand of their loved one, but personally, it keeps me close to my husband. I feel connected to him without being intrusive and I like to let others know we belong together.
Maybe this is just a silly rant, but I urge those who are married to never stop holding the hand of your spouse. Don't let that fade with the newlywed stage. I feel like when you let those tiny affections fade, other small things go with it...and so much of what Tom and I have learned so far in our marriage, is that those little things are what really mean the most.