10 Things They Don't Tell You Before You Get Married
If you've hung around this blog for any amount of time, you know how much I love talking about marriage. Many times, those posts are positive, but they usually have a serious undertone.
Today, though, it's all for fun - all seriousness has been put aside for the sake of harmless humor.
Marriage is such an adventure and taking it too seriously can create a pretty monotone life. Don't all areas of life need a healthy balance? Marriage is no exception. Though some of these won't relate to every marriage, I'd say the general topics are pretty close across the board... and don't forget to share some of your pleasant marriage surprises in the comments!
1. Bathroom talk happens more than pillow talk.
Not to get all crude on you first thing, but it's just #truelife. If you think this sounds gross or weird, just call me up after your first poop emergency post tying the knot... because it will happen. Or the first time one of you gets the stomach bug. Now, this isn't to say pillow talk is non-existent, but your pillow talk might actually include potty talk. When you share a life with someone, you really do share it all. And it's hilarious.
2. Social situations without them, start to feel boring.
This isn't to say that being away from them is unbearable or un-fun... it's just that your spouse makes them more fun. We have so many inside jokes and glances, that sometimes I'll find myself riding solo at an event making Jim faces at an imaginary husband, desperately wishing he had just shared in an awkward moment with me.
3. In fact, some social situations start to sound like the worst.
Going clubbing, bar hopping, rowdy concerts, spending the weekend with other couples (that aren't your bff couple friends), networking events, and basically any event where everyone else is single.... just to name a few. The upside is, you can easily get out of these situations by throwing your spouse under the bus, and then you congratulate each other on an avoidance well done, by drinking in the comfort of your own home while watching movies in your jamms.
4. You may develop weird names for one another.
They are so weird, I cannot even utter them here. It's like this awkward gradual thing that happens accidentally, when you jumble your words one day while trying to call their name. These names are usually not even remotely based on a real word, which makes them ultra embarrassing and so uncomfortable if anyone hears you mutter it.
5. Dates get less fancy with each passing year.
"Wanna come grocery shopping with me this week? We can pick something that's not on the list...?!"
This will likely be an area that ebbs and flows, but our first two anniversaries were these lovely events with a nice dinner out and dressy attire.
This year, we visited our favorite Indian restaurant in jeans and t-shirts about a week after the day. And I'm not complaining one bit because naan is life.
6. You get really excited about "boring" purchases.
A new fridge?! Dang, that coffee table is sexy. This new frying pan is theeeee best. That light fixture is the beez-kneez. I love our faucet. Listen to the purr of that garbage disposal.
7. Trips become infinitely better.
Roadtrips especially, because of singing along to musicals and/or making up your own songs out of boredom. Talking for hours and taking little detours and staying in weird hotels is just part of the fun. Flights are also better because of airport people watching and sharing music on the plane. Nothing brings you closer together than trying to navigate a large airport as a team.
Back to the potty talk: trips together will solidify this part of your relationship because who has a normal system when traveling? Dire situations arise, and they are almost always hilarious in retrospect.
8. You magically forget what 98% of your arguments were even about.
There's always that one argument that never gets lived down, but aside from that, your arguments all pale in comparison to the funny moments you share. I know we have spent hours on a given day not speaking to one another over some pithy thing... and never can we remember what it was about.
9. Eating at certain restaurants or watching certain shows without the other is soooo sad.
How dare one of you sneaks an episode of Parks and Rec without the other?! Or goes to that restaurant on our date list with some co-workers instead. So much pouting and consolation follows...
"The food really wasn't that good, I promise!"
10. You will feel overwhelmingly blessed to share life with them.
Especially in all the ordinary moments. Or in the weeks when one of you is sick and the other takes such loving care. Life is full of trials and joys and challenges. But with that friend, lover, companion, and mate to laugh and cry with, you can count yourself truly blessed.
What other funny things don't they tell you about marriage?
Loving Your Spouse Amidst A Busy Season
We've all been there.
When the days and weeks are busy and only get busier. Maybe there are kids in tow or maybe your work hours go late and your projects build up. Maybe you're in a constant state of driving from one thing to the next and hardly have a moment to yourself, and when you finally do, giving that time to your spouse can feel like just another thing. Another cumbersome addition to an already hectic schedule.
But showing love to your spouse shouldn't have a resting place on the backburner. Marriage takes work and consistent affection... and I don't mean affection in the grandiose gestures of the word. You don't need to make a candlelight dinner three times a week and give each other gifts several times a month. It's in the little things, little moments, and little actions that can show your spouse you're thinking about them and their needs more often than they know.
In a recent conversation with my husband on this topic he said,
"I like getting loved by small gestures. Not to say big ones aren't great, but small ones are almost more considerate. It's almost like saying "I love you so much I'm willing to try to make even the smallest thing better for you." Like, even THAT much. But not many people are willing to inconvenience themselves to make someone else's life barely more convenient and you have to really know someone in order to know just exactly how to make their day a little better."
I love how he explained this phenomenon so simply. From his last statement, we discussed how amazing it is to have the privilege of being the one who really knows how to love someone in the little ways. So from our home to yours.....
Here are a few ways you can love your spouse amidst a busy season:
1. Take one of their errands for them
It doesn't have to be anything major. But if you've heard them mention all the places they need to go and for what items, maybe you could swing by one of those places on your way home from work and save them a trip or two.
2. Get their day started right
Are they always the ones making coffee and getting lunches prepared? Beat them to the task.
3. Give the living areas a once over
Pick up and fold blankets, put away toys, and sweep up the kitchen... all without them knowing until morning comes around and they notice the sweet gesture. Apparently Tom randomly sweeps the kitchen without me ever knowing, just so it's one house task I don't even have to think about or notice needs attention. Ummm heart eyes for days!! (He just admitted this to me as we talked about this topic).
4. Choose a show or movie they love, even if you don't
Of course it's nice to watch shows together that you both enjoy, but sometimes it's just nice to watch one of your personal favorites at the urging of your spouse... with your spouse.
5. Tidy up what's "theirs"
Again, such a little thing, but picking up their shoes, cleaning up their bedside table that's gathered receipts galore, and staying on top of the laundry for their sake instead of just yours shows a lot of love, care, and respect.
6. Hide things around the house you know they'll find
Like little fun-sized candies, a love note (or in our case, a note with something sassy written on it), some cash for a drink at Starbucks, upcoming tickets to a movie or show, etc...
Hide them in places they'll definitely look. Like in a makeup drawer, next to their deodorant, inside their laptop/briefcase, on their car seat, etc... Tom did this one morning during our renovation, and it had me giggling so hard every time I opened up a cabinet or looked inside a box of drawers and found a mini Kit-Kat!
7. Keep your mouth shut
Sometimes it's easy to play the nag... and both the person nagging, and the one being nagged get sick of hearing it. It can be so loving to just clean up a mess they made without saying anything about it. Even when that little mess drives you up a WALL because you see it happen daily. By keeping quiet, you're giving them some room to breathe and make mistakes. It inconvenienced you, but sometimes you inconvenience him/her too. We're all human!
8. Give them some quality "veg time."
I imagine this would be an especially loving gesture with kids in the mix. Let them hang out alone and play video games, peruse Pinterest, or watch their favorite show uninterrupted.
9. Make their favorite
Cooking up their favorite meal, even if it's one that takes you forever, is an easy way to put their needs above yours and show them you care.
10. Send them a photo
Did you come across something in your day that made you laugh or think of them? Snap a photo and let them know! It's one of the fun parts of living in a tech-y world.
11. Tell them to go do something they enjoy
Maybe that means shopping, getting their hair or nails done, going to a cigar bar, buying that new tool... or what about trying that brewery or restaurant they really want to check out, but you don't? Give them the "okay" on some splurges they don't often give themselves.
12. Compliment them
Sometimes it's so easy to go through a day with the person you live with and forget to acknowledge all the little things they do. Or forget to tell them how smokin' hot they are. Or how much they amaze you with their talents and smarts. If anyone in your life on earth deserves your praise, it's the person you walk through life with each day. And they really ought to hear it... maybe they know, but something about hearing those things out loud can really hit your soft spot.
13. Hug it out
Again, so sooooo simple. But giving them a squeeze and a smooch before parting ways in the morning, and upon coming home, and everything in between... is good for the heart and soul.
14. Pray for them
This one tops the list. What better way to love your spouse than to thank the Creator for them every day!!
What would you add?
How A Renovation Has Been Good For Our Marriage
Let me get straight to the point:
This renovation has been an incredible lesson in communication.
A while back, I wrote about the positive aspects of arguing in marriage (read here). Of course, I don't condone abusive fighting or verbal aggression, but I do believe that learning to argue in a healthy way can actually do your marriage some good.
As some of you may know, home renovations can be an incredibly stressful feat. Whether you're living in your home during a renovation or not, the decisions, financial strains, time commitments, and labor can create a really tense environment - one that's very conducive to snapping and bickering.
Since venturing into the world of our DIY kitchen renovation, Tom and I have been pleasantly surprised at our teamwork and utter lack of quarreling.... and since we talk about lessons learned in this little online community, I thought I'd give you the scoop as to how we managed to keep our marriage happy in the midst of chaos and stress.
1. We got it out of our system.
No, we didn't have some crazy screaming match to begin the renovation. But, we did come across a really pithy disagreement near the very beginning (aren't most marital arguments pithy though? haha) and we hashed it out super openly. We met it head on, talked about our differing viewpoints, came to an agreement, and moved on. In fact, we went on to have a really great rest of our day! You know how sometimes a disagreement can ruin your entire day? Well, not once did this happen in the entirety of our reno. I'm very proud of us. Give yourselves one slightly drawn out disagreement to set the basis for the ones to come. Show grace and compromise because you'll need a lot of that moving forward.
And if you really want to know, our argument was about whether or not to create a kitchen sink in the garage or not. Yep, really dumb. We got along washing dishes in a little bathroom sink juuust fine.
2. We didn't have time.
Quite literally, we did not have time to sit on an issue long because we had limited hours to work, and wasting time arguing would only slow us down. We would hit an issue, go over pros and cons and move on with the best decision. BOOM.
3. Attitude really is everything.
Amidst full-time jobs and other commitments, we could have easily gotten really crabby when every single other spare moment had us tirelessly laboring away. But instead, we sang, we snuck some kisses, we had mini dance sessions, we had long conversations while we worked on opposite sides of the room, and we laughed. We kept the atmosphere light, and when we hit some road blocks, we figured them out and tried to be all c'est la vie about it because set-backs come with the territory of DIY and renovations. You're not doing open heart surgery here, it's just a kitchen.
4. We gave ourselves a day off.
Once a week, we took a night off. We ordered some pizza, picked a movie, and vegged. Friday nights were the most common for this, and they were essential in keeping our sanity and motivation going. Making sure we still prioritized time spent together was very important.
5. Verbally encouraged each other.
Doesn't everyone respond well when they're told how wonderful they are? We both instinctively complimented one another and our teamwork as a whole. This added to the attitude of the project and gave it a positive outlook. Especially when one of us started to lose steam.
6. Supported patience.
It's been two months.
It gets really old having to microwave, grill, or crockpot your meals. And it got to a certain point where everything seemed to be moving at a glacial pace and we would never see the light at the end of the tunnel or be able to go barefoot in our main level again. But by using the methods above (attitude, encouragement, etc..) we marched on, and suddenly the project started to feel like it was racing towards the finish line. Patience is a virtue, is it not?
I feel like I could go on and on about the lessons we learned in this renovation, but the most significant by far was how well we learned to communicate. We've always been good at communicating (we're both entirely too honest for our own good) but we didn't always do so hot at letting go of an issue even once it was past us. We're a little surprised at how well we managed the stress, and I hope that by sharing the positivity we found in this project, it will encourage others to go into a renovation a little more fearlessly.
Have any questions for us? I'd love to hear 'em!
Three Years Married
Three years.
It seems like a year, maybe? I remember hitting the one year and feeling like only four months passed us by. Actually, by those measurements, we're right where we should be.
If one year equals four months, in married years, we have officially hit the year mark. I knew I was on to something.
We hit the three year mark nearly a month ago, but I can't pass up an opportunity to talk about the celebration of being married to my favorite person in the world.
Still, after more than five years together, there is no one I look forward to spending time with more than my husband. Our spousal friendship has only ever grown. Maybe you've heard me talk about friendship in marriage before, but I just cannot emphasize it enough.
Of course there are about a million other tiny pieces that make marriages strong, lasting, and all-around enjoyable, but that friendship basis is something I hope we always hold sacred.
If I'm being totally transparent with you, I had long held the belief that your best friend shouldn't be your S.O.
I scoffed at the engagement announcements that read, "I said yes! Marrying my best friend!"
I remember thinking, "Geez girl, get a life. You don't have any close friends outside your S.O.?" I'd usually read those announcements and promptly call up one of my best friends and grab a drink at the nearest bar. This thought even followed me into marriage, because to me, my best friends were my girlfriends.
They still are, but I made a serious revelation.
I was a silly, silly girl. Because the fact is, Tom is my best friend. He's the first person I tell when I have good news or bad. I know all his quirks and listen to his wild ideas and I get to be the one that sees and knows what no one else does. He is also the only known living being who has broken down my angry morning barrier. He is the only sight or sound I can stand before I've downed a cup of coffee, and he actually helps to shield me from anyone I could potentially harm if they attempt breaking this barrier themselves (haha - sorry houseguests). We know more about each other than each other even knows. If that's not a best friend, I don't know what is.
The thing is, as much as Tom is my best friend, he is so much more than that.
We share our faith, our passions, our most ordinary moments, and our most trying times. We have an incredible God to lean on in times of joy and of sadness. We are truly blessed to have been led to one another in this life.
Thomas, I am so grateful to call you my husband and best friend. Adventuring through this crazy life with you is never boring. And on the few times it is, I'm glad you're there to finish the lyrics to my made-up songs. I'm glad you love food, coffee, DIY-ing our house, giving back-rubs, watching weird shows, and creating adventures out of the littlest moments. Happy three year anniversary, my love.
And yes, as soon as the kitchen is finished I'll bake you a cake.
Holding Your Spouse To A Higher Standard
Some of you may have opened this post assuming it would be about why we shouldn't create unrealistic expectations for our spouses. Why it's unfair to hold your spouse to "standards."
Sorry, this is not what you assumed.
First off, as sinners, we will never meet the standards God sets before us in the Ten Commandments. Are we tasked as Christians to try as we might? Of course. We fail miserably every day, but it's still part of our calling to follow God's commands and live according to His word. It's difficult and frustrating and downright disappointing - but nevertheless, they are standards we are called to follow. Thank goodness there is forgiveness, am I right?
When Tom and I got married, we found ourselves creating our own expectations for what marriage should be. These expectations were outside of God's picture of marriage, so of course we failed and let each other down. They were human expectations with nothing more than selfishness to justify their necessity. They were standards we thought would create a stronger marriage, but instead they created disappointment and hurt.
Where did these ideas come from? Well, sometimes they were silly ideas we concocted on our own, but other times they came from these so-called Christian marriage books we started to read. I really do hate to admit it, but sometimes those books can make you believe your marriage has issues in places it actually doesn't. It tells you that if you aren't doing x, y, and z, in ten years you'll be in a miserable, failing marriage. For those who are struggling I'm sure these books are helpful, but remember to take them with a grain of salt, keeping in mind that every marriage has shortcomings.
From that realization, we revisited our expectations and standards for one another, and for our marriage using the one thing that is far more dependable:
God's word.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV)
As Christians, we realized our marriage should look and act different than others. The standards that we are called to hold to are not our own standards, but God's.
We've realized that some couples behave entirely different when their spouse is around, and when they aren't. And that is just not okay. Many times it's disrespectful and walks a fine line on what's moral and what isn't.
Therefore, I hold my husband to higher standards and he does the same of me.
Looking back, I saw a great example of when he should have expected more of me. It was when I worked for a corporate, but "hip" company. It was a company very well known for its holiday parties, and I happily drank the "kool-aid" (quite literally). At one of these famed parties, Tom had texted me to let me know he was waiting in the lobby to pick me up. Like everyone else, I had had too much to drink and was having entirely too much fun... so I responded that I'd be down in a couple minutes.
But I forgot.
I literally forgot my husband was there.
I was too busy having slurred, idiotic conversations with co-workers who were too drunk to stand on their own two feet.
The conversations and behavior over the course of the entire night were nothing short of embarrassing and inappropriate.
Over a half hour later, I happened upon the lobby, saw my husband, and THEN remembered he was there.
I hate sharing this story.
But I think it's important to admit mistakes. What did that verse say? "...it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth." Even the hard truths, my friends.
I'm humiliated that there was ever a time this happened, but it did. Tom should have held me to a higher standard. Instead, he was patient and kind - which are also wonderful traits - but he should have corrected my moral behavior. He absolutely had the right.
Sadly, we have both been on the receiving end of such an evening and neither of us are proud of it. They were nights we certainly could have done without. In fact, it was after such a night that we had a long talk about the moral standards God calls us to hold to.
Respecting your spouse, doesn't mean just in the times when they're around.
- It means that when one of them is gone on business, you can be sure they'll be going to bed at a decent hour and calling to say goodnight... instead of drinking in a faraway city with coworkers until wee hours of the morning.
- It means that when they're around friends or couples who speak poorly of marriage or spouses, that your spouse will speak admirably about it and stand up for it instead of joining in.
- It means you never do something questionable just because everyone else is. Whether at work, socially, or even with your best friends.
- It means creating boundaries to protect your marriage. These 5 boundaries would have some people rolling their eyes, but as Christians, these ideas should be applauded for their moral basis. When it comes to entertainment, for example, the words, "It's just a movie" is a very poor excuse. Would it be "just a movie" if Jesus was sitting right next to you? Many find that thinking to be "lame"... sorry, I'd rather be lame. I don't need to see every trashy thing Hollywood pours out. I love what Kelsie says at the end of her post:
"Shouldn’t we say yes to our marriage and no to anything that isn’t best for it? Isn’t your spouse worth it? Marriage is a place that requires honesty, faithfulness, grace, forgiveness, and communication. Let’s be intentional about taking care of this relationship by setting godly boundaries. It’s a relationship worth fighting for."
Will we continue to let one another down and fail at some of these expectations? You bet.
It will be times like those that the power of forgiveness shows its true colors. We are not perfect. Our marriage is flawed, because we are flawed people.
But is it worth it to hold yourself to standards that show respect to your spouse? Is it worth it to expect the same from your spouse? Absolutely. Yes, sometimes it's easy to go into marriage with unrealistic, unhealthy expectations. But when you trust God's word and commands and make those the sole moral basis for your life and marriage, having high standards doesn't seem like work or a tight leash so much as it feels like a privilege.
Because after all, marriage is a gift as much as it's a privilege... and it's a gift that is worth protecting.
Marriage Is Only The Beginning of First Kisses
When I Netflix binge-watch, I choose shows that I can have on in the background of whatever I'm doing without actually needing to watch every moment. The background noise is nice in an otherwise quiet house, and for the moments I need to derail my thoughts, it's nice to glance up and tune out for a few minutes. I've been through Grey's Anatomy, Gilmore Girls, and currently I'm breezing through Friends.
It's not a show I watched much when I was younger, but I get the draw behind the little love interests and deep friendship of the main characters. It's very superficial and not at all realistic, but that's TV... I get it.
The other day though, Monica came to the realization that once she married Chandler, there would be no more first kisses. No more of that beginning part of a relationship that has you clinging on their every word and action.
Yes, she later comes to realize that their more-than-skin-deep relationship is good too, but it really nagged at me.
Is that how some people really view marriage? The "end-all?"
No more first kisses *womp womp*
No more freedom and time that's your own *womp womp*
No more excitement or "firsts" *womp womp*
...and so on.
Here's the point that Monica missed:
It is up to married people to recognize, acknowledge, and cherish all the firsts to come.
Are we long past our very first kiss? Yes... and maybe some would mourn the prospect of never knowing that feeling again.
But I also remember...
- our first conversation about getting married.
- our wedding!
- our first roadtrip.
- the first nights in every place we've lived as a married couple.
- our first big argument and learning the true power of forgiveness and faithfulness from that moment on.
- our first kiss in our first house.
- our first kiss every morning upon waking.
- our first kiss upon arriving home from work.
- our first time *ahem* you know what I mean.
- our first big move.
- our first career change.
God willing, we have plenty of other firsts to look forward to. Including...
- our first major home renovation.
- our first child.
- kissing each new child for the first time.
- kissing each child before they go to bed.
- our children's first words, steps, day of school, S.O.'s, leaving the house, etc...
- our first family dog.
- our first grandchild.
- our first time growing old together.
Life is filled with new firsts after marriage. Monica's mourning over "no more first kisses" made me so sad. Is that really appealing? Spending your life with first kiss after first kiss and missing out on all the firsts you can experience with someone throughout a lifetime?
I know I say it so often, but guys, marriage is such an incredible gift. You may not have that very first kiss ever again... but all the firsts after and to come, sound a whole lot more appealing to me. Don't find yourself tied to that beginning phase of a relationship because it's sweet and uncomplicated. Sure a first kiss is memorable. But more than remembering a bunch of first kisses, I'd like to remember a lifetime with the spouse God gave me. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Let's be psyched about marriage, guys. It's so worth being psyched about.
I Argue Because I Love You
Marriage is tough, guys.
You often hear me touting about how great and wonderful marriage is whenever I've written about it here. Maybe you've noticed that even in those posts, I've made mention to the fact that it's also very hard. It's one of the hardest but most rewarding parts of life. The thing is... I've never really expanded on "the hard parts" and I think that's important too. When people who are un-married read my posts, they aren't seeing the full picture. When I give no more than a fleeting "it's hard" mixed in with "but so wonderful, happy, and great," it probably seems confusing - like, "what the heck, then what's so hard?" Maybe to those who aren't in it, those statements don't make any sense. Today, I'd like to explain how even in the hard parts of marriage, there is good. The parts of marriage that sting or hurt are actually one of the things that makes it beautiful.
Let's dive in.
When I was a kid, I was no stranger to the fact that my peers had parents who were divorced. I knew what it meant and what happened when people got divorced and it scared me. I remember very specifically one evening, when my parents were arguing... and that fear crept in. Feebly, I asked, "... are you going to get divorced?" They stopped and looked at me, surprised. They put their argument aside and explained calmly, in such simple terms (that didn't make sense to me at the time) why I didn't need to worry about that.
"We're arguing because we love each other."
Fast forward to adulthood and married life.
I say adulthood, because how many of you have argued with your best friends and come out all the stronger once you worked it out? College roommate battles? Even growing up with siblings... did all that arguing tear you apart? In relationships and marriage, it is no different. We argue because sometimes we need to. Because we have something to fix, and we care enough to fix it.
Something we try to remember is the difference between arguing/bickering versus fighting. Fighting tends to insinuate that you're on different teams... but no matter how "divided" you may feel about a certain topic, you're married - you're still on the same team. With that in mind, we don't "fight" but we do argue. Frankly, I worry when I hear couples say they never disagree. If there is never a disagreement, that says to me that one or both are not speaking their minds fully, and honesty is being compromised. Again, I have no professional training to say this with authority, but when I think about roommates I had in college (my best friends), when no one spoke up about an obvious issue, there was at least someone who was unhappy. Always. Or someone was building resentment internally because so-and-so never did the dishes. Or so-and-so never cleaned the bathroom. Or so-and-so wasn't timely with their rent portion. Disagreements need to happen for a lasting, healthy relationship. However, extreme or constant arguing might be a sign to learn how to better communicate or get a little counseling.
So what did my parents mean when they said they argue because they love each other? Well here's our take...
- The moment we stop arguing, will be the moment we stop caring enough about our relationship to put in the work it requires.
- When we keep our disagreements to ourselves, we withhold honesty and build resentment.
- When we foster an environment where we can't disagree, we are setting the stage for lax communication that spreads to all areas and facets of our relationship. And will probably create "blow-up" arguments in the future.
- When you start to feel hopeless after a week of bickering here and there, remember that marriage isn't such a fragile entity. One "off-week" isn't creating and "off-marriage." Working through it creates strength and keeping God at the center will give your marriage a lasting basis beyond your own selfishness.
It's tempting, of course, to shut down. Walk away. Give the cold shoulder. But being as we're on the same team, we need to care, understand, show patience, and love. And guess what? Once you're a couple weeks past it, I bet you'll have a hard time remembering what you even argued about in the first place. For example, I only remember the fact that we bickered incessantly for the week leading up to closing on our house because I wrote it down in a journal. I'm bewildered as to what we even bickered about, but the days since then have only been better! That's what I mean when I say marriage can be hard. It is hard... but it tends to be an after-thought because the good truly does outweigh it.
Do I think we should still be slow to anger (Proverbs 19:11)? Absolutely. I think Ephesians 4:15-16 says it well:
Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.
Sometimes speaking the truth in love can mean a little arguing, and that's okay... because when you love someone so much, they're worth the 'fight.'
(See 10 Things I've Learned About Marriage to see a little overview of some ground rules we set up from the start to disagree in a healthy way. Disagreements are just inevitable - but how you go about them does matter for the health of your marriage. Again, I'm no professional, but we can all use some tips on how to "fight nice," right? Plus, the other nine things are fun to read too!)
Being a Certain Age Won't Make You Ready For Marriage
You know those articles that make claims like, "According to Science: Best Age To Get Married And Avoid Divorce" or "Best Age To Get Married"?
Don't listen to them.
Now, their studies might actually have some credence, sure. Marrying a little later in life could help avoid issues down the road... but the key word here is could. They tout to readers that only by this certain age range, have you learned enough about yourself and developed enough sense of independence to be the best partner for someone else (hogwash - more on that another time). But what if you waited and waited, putting off relationships and engagement until you reached the ripe age of 30 when you could have started your happily-ever-after years before with no problems at all?
The thing is, guys, don't let me or any 'scientific article' on the internets tell you when the best age for marriage is. Because the best age for marriage is when God places the right person in your life. This may happen when you're in high school, college, years into a career... heck, your ring bearer and flower girl might even tie the knot later in life! Thirty may very well be the exact right age for you to start your life with a wonderful human being that God placed there.
When we got married at 23, we had a lot to learn - you bet! But we were sure of our relationship, and we shared values, morals, and faith. The last (almost) 3 years have been the best of my life, and I am so grateful I never listened to some silly article that told me that my marriage would be stronger and I'd be better equipped if I waited seven more years. We have grown more in love with each day, laughed the hardest we've ever laughed, yet endured trials, tears, and disappointments. Marriage is a vow. No matter how much one another changes over time (and believe me, you will change here and there) this person you chose at age 17, 34, or 52, will be the person you continue to choose each day. Sometimes, you may even find yourselves changing in unison, because of changes in life stages and circumstances (a move, a new baby, new jobs). Hold yourselves to the moral standards you set from the start. Stay by their side, grow with them, accept and love their changes, and always encourage each other to live life according to God's Word.
Though these "ideal age" articles are well-meaning, and are written to help people avoid making mistakes, remember that mistakes can be made at every age and stage of life. In fact mistakes will be made all throughout our lives. The problem with articles like that are the "what ifs" and "could help" mentalities. There are a lot of "what ifs" and "could helps" in life, but if we constantly lived by such fears or expectations we wouldn't truly live or experience anything of substance at all. Marriage is a leap of faith and trust no matter what age you are.
Now, I'm a big believer in marrying young, and I'm not afraid to voice that here (I say this, because I'll probably post about that another time)... but I also believe you should only be marrying young when you've found the person God intended for you. I was blessed to have met Tom in college, but others may not meet that person for years - and that is perfectly okay and just as awesome! Some people are friends for years before time finally reveals to them that their future spouse has been in front of them all along (more on that subject: stop looking for love). I believe that God's timing is everything, and there is always purpose in how and when spouses meet, date, and marry. So friends, pray for those you meet. Pray for your future spouse. Pray for your spouse who you have the privilege of waking up to each day, and pray your marriage. Do not let the world tell you that 28-32 is the best way to ensure your happiness... because I promise you, it's God who will ensure your happiness. No matter what age you are.