Why We Don't Do Gifts
Christmas gifts. Easter baskets. Valentines. Birthday presents. Anniversary gifts.
These are the gifting occasions that come to mind for most people - give or take a few. I myself have incredibly fond memories of family birthdays and Christmas time. We had sweet traditions and the shrieks and squeals of delight caused by gift excitement was priceless. Gifts have a way of bringing such joy. Givers often feel an overwhelming sense of relief and happiness from the reactions of those they're giving to. It's a unique, thoughtful, and loving act. The novel surprise of the receiver and the opportunity for the giver to give, go hand-in-hand as one of life's most innocent joys.
However.
I am, by nature, not a "things" oriented person. Give me just about every other love language, but "gifts" doesn't even remotely make it into the running for me. Thankfully, my husband is not a "things" person either. Therefore the conclusion as to why we don't get each other gifts is simple:
My husband and I don't give each other gifts because they don't make us feel loved.
Below are a few observations we’ve noticed about gift-giving. At least when it comes to giving from spouse-to-spouse. Perhaps these are personal to us, but I wouldn't find it unusual if the general population of people noticed them too.
Kids + presents = joy in its purest form. This cannot be denied. The older you get, the less novel gifts become. Your reaction to opening them becomes rather routine and dulled. It's a natural progression.
When we need or want something we generally just.... buy it. Sure, we save for bigger items, and giftcards help us afford something we've been eyeing, but we take care of most needs and wants throughout the year.
It's easy to forget what someone gave you, but hard to forget a great memory that you’ve had because of them. When I think back to childhood (or even adult) Christmases I can only remember a small handful of gifts I received; but I easily remember who was home and the emotions of the day. You can't throw a memory away. Gifts, however, will eventually end up at Goodwill. I’m looking at you, Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer.
We're hard to buy gifts for. Is it just us? Maybe we’re too picky, but we’ve given each other some failed gifts, and the waste of money caused us to involve each other more when choosing things. Which brings me to my next point...
We discuss all our financial decisions and share a bank account. It's kind of hard to surprise your spouse when you can easily check credit card/bank account activity. And when you're dealing with higher priced items, it's part of the health of a marriage to discuss it, right?
We generally want/need less as time goes on. We have a roof over our heads, our bills are paid, we have regular dates, we travel occasionally, we each use some "mad-money," and we're clothed and fed. What tangible gifts could we really want? Maybe it's the minimalist side of me speaking, but God provides our daily wants and needs and anything beyond that, we view as excess (meaning: unnecessary).
Getting something new on our birthdays doesn't make us happier versus if we had received it any other day. One day, Tom surprised me with a new Mac. Just on some random day of the year. I really needed one, he saw that it had gone way down in price, came up with a good excuse to go to Best Buy, and bought me one while I was distracted in another department. Honestly, I think that was more exciting than had I received it on my birthday. We spend our birthdays enjoying an experience instead!
Over the last three years we have mostly forgone gifts between the two of us. Our birthdays have been spent doing something. Maybe we'll have a small gift to open on the day (though I don't think I could recall them), but what I can recall for certain is what we did, ate, or saw in celebration.
So, my husband and I don't do gifts because we don't show and feel love with them. We don't do gifts because we value each other's company and a shared memory more than an item. We don't do gifts because sometimes the need to buy a gift can lead to having something lying around that we don’t actually need. We don't do gifts because it's not "us."
We do life together, and that is such a gift every.single.day.
As a little disclaimer, for fear that this may sound pretentious or ungrateful, gifts are wonderful. Coming from other people, they are always appreciated, we are always grateful to receive them, and we try to enjoy shopping for other family/friends when the occasion permits. Again, this does not come naturally to us and causes more stress than joy sometimes, I must admit, but when we find the perfect thing for the right person or someone finds the perfect thing for us, it's such a joy. Helping someone get a big item they've been wanting for a long time is so rewarding, isn't it? There are always exceptions to a rule, and we have come across many. We've received plenty of items we wouldn't buy ourselves, but have improved our lives immensely - mostly coffee or kitchen related :) so please don't read this and think we're gift haters. "Things" are just something we think very little about - we're usually daydreaming about vacations or food. This post is about the relationship between gifts and our marriage personally, that maybe others can relate to as well!
When "No" Means "Yes" In Marriage
We've all been there. We've been caught up in the contest, and the pride, and ridden the high horse of it.
The "it" I'm speaking of, is busyness.
Our culture triumphs in words that tout about sleepless nights, hours spent immersed in projects, schedules that overflow, and how even amidst all that, we can still handle more... "of course, I'll be there" we say.
Children are riddled with lessons and practices, spouses maintain office hours beyond what's expected, and little time is left beyond a short meal together or a kiss goodnight.
Until one day it hits you. Like a ton of bricks.
"Why am I letting it rule me? Is it impressive to be this busy? Is it God-pleasing? Or has it become my god?"
Sometimes, it does become our own little-g god. Busyness has become a disease of a culture that constantly grapples for more. A culture that needs to prove something. But what exactly does it prove? In the midst of those days and weeks, or even months, when you're so busy you barely find the time to breathe, have you asked yourself that question and answered it rationally?
Maybe you think it proves determination and stamina.
To who?
To your husband who just wants to hold you for longer than ten minutes before hitting the hay? To your children who didn't get a chance to tell you about their day? To your wife who is drowning in piles of chores and schedules?
Sometimes the busyness is unavoidable, and to those days or weeks or months, I'm sending you a virtual high five and some encouragement to bear it with grace and patience.
What I'm really getting at, is a wake-up call.
It's okay to say no.
Sometimes saying "no" means saying "yes" to the people who matter most. It means saying "yes" to a one-on-one date with one of your children. It means "yes" to snuggling up with your spouse and watching your favorite show with your favorite snacks and laughing off a day's troubles.
We live in a culture where if we say "no" simply to make room for nothing, we're ripping everyone off. We're being selfish.
I'm writing this to say to you, FIGHT IT.
Fight against busyness and all its worthless pride. Who's busier is not a contest. And if it is one, it's one I'd rather lose.
I'd rather lose so that I can catch dinner out with my husband, instead of being the last one to leave the office to prove to no one in particular how dedicated I am. I'd rather "prove" my dedication to my husband.
I'd rather lose, because it does my soul more good to protect my time.
I'd rather lose, because it creates balance, stability, and room to be present instead of distracted.
There is a time and place for busyness, and it's not all bad - don't get me wrong. Busyness can be healthy, even. All I'm getting at in this wake-up call, is to remind you that you can lose the pride in it, and you instead gain the present ability to just. be. To just live in those quiet moments of uninterrupted togetherness.
Say no, my friends, because saying yes to your spouse and family will always be worth losing the busy contest.
Why The Ring Matters
Fellas, think of this scenario:
You probably have a dream car. It might even be relatively practical. Whatever it is, you are dead-set on having it one day and you are gonna keep it for life and wax it with a baby diaper (Ferris Bueller reference). Let's say it's the 2015 Chevy Corvette as seen below...
Fellas, think of this scenario:
You probably have a dream car. Maybe it's even relatively practical. Whatever it is, you are dead-set on having it one day and you are gonna keep it for life and wax it with a baby diaper (Ferris Bueller reference). Let's say it's the newest Corvette.
Now picture this:
One day, your wife pulls up in the driveway in something else.
It's a brand new Ford Fusion.
"Surprise!" she shouts.
This is the car you will drive everyday for the rest of your life. You are overjoyed! What an incredible surprise! You are overwhelmed by her thoughtfulness, and the car really is not only beautiful, but practical. It was an incredibly sweet thing for her to do and you love her even more for it.
... but you wouldn't have chosen that car.
You are not ungrateful in the slightest, but you quietly wish that she had taken your preferences into account. The surprise was stellar! But part of you feels a little sour that this is the car you have to drive for the rest of your life and it's not really your style. Of course you will graciously accept it, and you can't wait to take her on a trip with it... but having your Corvette would have made that thought complete. It's totally fine though, and you love it nonetheless because it's from your adoring, beautiful wife.
Okay.
Now put that scenario into an engagement ring scenario.
I am not saying all women are shallow about engagement rings. We really aren't. But there is no denying that some may dream about them and pick the kinds they hope to have someday. Like any person, we might even get our heart set on one.
Let me tell you a story.
Here are some photos of what Tom proposed to me with (left) and what he actually had for me (right).
We didn't go ring shopping together. We hardly even talked about rings at all....or engagement for that matter. I simply made a couple of hints towards what I did not like (the cut of the ring on the left I had made very clear was not my taste) and a couple of hints of what I did like. I never showed him pictures of my dream ring, and when he proposed, it blew me out of the water. It was a complete surprise. Had I gone ring shopping with him, I would have gotten my heart set on something, and then been disappointed if that's not what I saw when I opened the box. But that's just me.
I fully trusted him to get me the right style... until I opened the box and saw that first ring.
I'm not gonna lie. My heart saaannkkkk. He looked at me adoringly from across the table, beaming. I put on the ring and my mind was going a million miles a minute...
"Did he not have enough money? Did I push him to do this sooner than he was ready? Wasn't he listening when I said I didn't like this cut? In what world would I EVER say no? This doesn't matter. I LOVE HIM. There is no way I could ever say no... but how does he not realize that I would hate this ring? This is sooo not like him.. he knows me better than this! Oh nooo we don't have to get engaged now if you aren't ready, love!"
He watched me, knowing so clearly that this was the absolute wrong ring for me. He just haaaddddd to test me! Of course I would say yes. I knew it was just a ring. I loved him more than any silly old ring.
He looked at me and asked "Do you love it?" and I peeped out a lie, "Yeah, yeahhhh... I love it!"
Suddenly he dug into his shirt pocket and pulled out the other sparkler.
"Well then what am I going to do with THIS??"
(If you don't know Tom, he's a joker)
*relief*
He DID listen! It was the exact ring I had my heart set on and I never even showed him a picture. He just knew me well enough and picked up on my hints enough to figure out what I liked. The first ring was a $10 fake from K-Mart - haha!
Like the car scenario, it wasn't at all about being ungrateful or not overjoyed.
If you really love this person, feelings of happiness and excitement are most certainly going to trump any disappointment you might have in their ring choice.
While we're on the subject though, let me give you a few pointers to point both gentleman and ladies in the right direction:
Ladies,
leaving this all up to interpretation is going to lead to a ring you probably don't love. My advice? Pony up and say, "Hey, I'm not gonna push the subject any more then this, but can I just show you what ring I like? (Just a picture... no need to find the nearest store) I'd prefer you wouldn't guess or think you know what I like and then it's not. It's a big purchase and it would kinda stink for both of us if I didn't care for it, ya know?" By not making your preferences clear, he's left to interpret what he THINKS you like, which may not be accurate. In that case, sorry, but it's not his fault if you don't like it.
Guys,
listen to her. If you want to propose and she hasn't broken the ice on the subject, maybe she's waiting for you to ask. You don't have take her into the store with you (plus, there's no surprise in that), but ask her for some pointers and note them! Also, if you have the assumption that all "good" rings cost upwards of $20,000, think again. Below is a Tiffany and Co. engagement ring. Tiffany's is all crazy overpriced, right? How much would you guess it costs? At LEAST $10,000, right?
It's $2,950. Less than you thought, huh?
Don't be afraid of ring shopping, guys. It's pretty painless. And if she shows you a picture of a ring, she may be giving you hours of breakdown in precisely what she wants. Don't treat it like a "guide." Take me as an example: I did NOT want diamonds down the band, but I did want a halo. Almost all rings with halos have diamonds down the band. How Tom knew exactly what I wanted is a mystery to me, but I am not complaining.
All I'm trying to say is that this woman has to wear this ring for the rest of her life. If you had to drive one car for the rest of your life, you would certainly want it to be "you," so keep the same in mind when getting her an engagement ring. You wouldn't want her to spend thousands on that car you didn't like, would you? Same is true in the ring department. Who knows, maybe she would have even preferred something CHEAPER and there you are with a hefty bill and a girl that's a tad disappointed. Learn what she really wants, that's all I'm saying!
Please don't mistake this post for being materialistic or shallow. It's just something that Tom and I have talked about (I even gave him the car scenario before we got engaged and it kind of clicked for him) and I wondered if other couples have had the same scenario cross their minds.
I would have married Tom if he had given me a rubber band. It's the marriage that's important, not the ring... but I'll tell you this, I STILL thank him regularly for giving me the ring I wanted. I never look at it and wish it was different.
So, is it going to be the Corvette or the Fusion for you? :)
Marriage vs. Marriage
"Comparison is the thief of joy" - Theodore Roosevelt
It's a quote we've all heard and we all need reminding of from time to time, don't you think? I've written about the topic of comparison before (read it here) in terms of life as a whole, but today I'm covering comparison of marriages.
I try to talk about the good, the bad, and the funny of marriage on this blog pretty equally. That being said, we live in an online world where it's so easy to fixate on the highlight reels of one another's lives.
We see the adorable pictures of various couples on social media and envy their photogenic selfies, adventurous vacations, new purchases, or exciting announcements of babies, moves, or job promotions. It can cause us to look upon our own relationship and feel less than. Sometimes the self-talk or internal struggle can sound like the following:
"They're so lucky they get to spend every waking second together while we work opposite schedules."
"Man, it must be so nice to jet off on a moment's notice to such beautiful places of the world."
"How do they afford so many date nights? And to be able to do so without kids in tow?"
"How does she look so dang good three days after giving birth? That'll never happen to me."
"Look at how he looks at her. My husband never looks at me like that anymore."
"How is it that their life plan has gone exactly the way they'd hoped?! Why is God's plan for our life so much different than we wanted?"
"Their life is so picture perfect! The house, kids, dates, trips... Man, they have it so good."
"How is it that they can get so much time off work?!"
"How does she have time to make such immaculate dinners for her family?"
"Where do they get all that time to work on personal projects?"
"How do they afford all the stuff for their house? I hate having to save and save."
Sound familiar? Gosh guys, I could go on forEVER on the topic of relationship comparisons we come across daily it seems.
But today I want to remind you, you don't know the trials of all those around you. Just as they don't know yours. Our comparison of one relationship versus our own is something sin concocts in our minds to make us feel unworthy, less than, and under-loved.
Maybe the couple you perceive as "picture perfect," looks at your life in the same way. This circle of comparison is unhealthy, unhelpful, and just ugly. Why do we do it? I say we, because I am guilty of envying particular persons quietly behind my screen too. I compare certain areas of my life to theirs and wish I could have those specific joys they experience. It causes me to begrudge my own circumstances and find unrest and ungratefulness in my very blessed, God-given life.
Now I'm not saying we should start turning our comparisons into, "But I bet his wife/her husband is really bad at _____. Or doesn't ______ like my spouse does." This sort of mindset is just as ugly, damaging, and sinful as the comparison itself. In fact, it amplifies comparison even more, don't you think? It justifies our own selfish need for self-assurance while at the same time tearing another relationship down... if even just in our own mind to "make us feel better."
That's no way to live.
And as Christians, it's not how Christ calls us to live.
"But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content." 1 Timothy 6:6-8
I chose this verse because I wanted to emphasize the importance of contentment. There are other verses on comparison (see my previous post on comparison), but I think at the very heart of comparison, we have somehow learned to dig a hole of discontent.
Let me explain what I mean by that last statement:
Think of the happiest day (with your S.O.) you've encountered. One that you simply look back on with great joy, contentment, and pleasure. Maybe it's your wedding day, a particular date night, your engagement, birth of a child, etc..
As you're thinking back on that day or that moment, do you feel discontent? It was your day. Your own special moment. Nothing compares to it because it was so unique to you, right?
Now compare your special moment/day with that of someone else. If it was your wedding day, compare it to someone else's lovely wedding, or something like that.
Do you feel a sad about your special day now?
Probably not, because your day was special to you. Others may look back on your day fondly, too, but they won't hold it in nearly the regard you do. There's simply nothing to compare with the personal elation that day or moment gave you - and that's why you thought of it in the first place. It was a moment of contentment in its purest form.
That's what I mean when I say we dig a new hole of discontent. It doesn't just appear, we let it - but you don't have to let it. Did my little exercise cause you to dig a hole of discontent in your happy moment? Well, I hope not (haha) ... but I believe the reason it didn't invoke discontent, is because you can so easily recognize that even though you are seemingly comparing the same thing, you're really not at all.
I challenge you.
Find contentment in your own. Realize that when it feels like there's so much to compare, it's your sinful mind working to dig an icky hole of discontent in your heart.
So what if your spouse doesn't cook and so-and-so's does? What does it matter to you?
Where is your personal elation in your day-to-day? Maybe your spouse gets up early to make you coffee. Maybe they do bath-time with the kids every night. Maybe they keep your gas tank full, or the laundry clean. Maybe they come home early and prioritize time with you. Maybe they work hard, long hours so they can provide a comfortable life for your family. Maybe they lead your family in prayer and devotion each day, or show selflessness to others that inspires.
Whatever it may be, find your contentment, dear friends. Remember why God brought you together and what trials you've faced and conquered. Think of the joys you've experienced that never even made it to your online 'highlight reel' and thank God for your spouse... for the friendship, love, faithfulness, and humility that marriage teaches us. There is no such thing as marriage vs. marriage comparisons, my friends, because each is so unique - thankfully so. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
All my personal wedding photos are credited to James Saleska Photography
If We Registered For Our Wedding Today
Do's and Don'ts
We've been married almost three and a half years now. Time has both flown and hardly moved, it seems.
In that time, we have moved twice - one of which was major.
From those moves, I've learned a few things about the stuff we own. When push came to shove, we tossed items instead of packing them and it's given me a few revelations about what was worth registering for, and what we could have bought ourselves... or not bought at all. I'll get right to it - here's what we learned.
DO register for...
Towels
Put them on your registry... BUT go neutral. Say your first apartment or house has purple accents in the bathroom. Well, chances are, your next place won't and your lavender towels will suddenly look weird and out of place. Going neutral (white, beige, gray, etc..) will help you keep those nice towels longer. The same can be said for kitchen hand towels, though they're inexpensive to replace if you tire of them after a year.
Hint: white towels can be bleached - easy upkeep! I hate thinking about what kinds of gross stains are hidden in dark towels.... and if benzoyl peroxide products come in contact with them, you're looking at pinkish bleach marks too :(
Knife set
You will use them. Whether you cook a lot or not, good knives will always come in handy. Just be sure and do a little research as some will get crummy over time. Reviews might tell you that not all knife handles are created equal. Whether they begin to rust, or somehow fall off, check those reviews.
Dinnerware, glassware, and silverware sets
Meaning: glasses, wine glasses, silverware set, dish set, bowls, coffee mugs, etc. This can depend on your particular needs (maybe you don't drink wine, so wine glasses are not useful). Go timeless if you're looking for items to last you possibly a lifetime. White dishes never go out of style, basic glasses, and classic silverware sets will always serve you well... literally.
Smaller appliances
If you love to bake, a nice KitchenAid mixer will last you forever. A toaster, clothing iron, coffee maker, good vacuum cleaner, crockpot, etc... again, there's no need for all the items you see, but knowing which ones you'd love to have starting out will be helpful. We've added a few to our shelves over the years, like a waffle iron, but early on that waffle iron would have been less valuable than a toaster. Which ones are the most basic to you? Go from there.
Tool set
Nothing fancy or huge, but a good starter tool set would have come in very handy several times even in apartment living. When I think back to the jerry-rigged things in our first apartment, I realize how much easier some simple tools would have made things.
Storage and organization
Two of the best underrated gifts we got were a large canvas tote, and large plastic bin (filled with kitchen utensils and other goodies). Everyone should wrap their wedding gifts in storage bins/organizers, because man, they've earned their keep over the last 3+ years. A good tupperware or glass food storage set, drawer organizers, etc... are used constantly and keep your stuff neat and tidy.
A good kitchen trash can
Maybe this is just us, but I do not know how people with tiny kitchen trash cans do it! Having a big can in the kitchen is priceless. The thing is, the nice ones are surprisingly expensive, so no one wants to dish out the money... but once you have it, you can't believe you waited all that time. We would have loved one as a wedding gift.
Pots and pans
This "do" list has a lot of kitchen stuff, I know. But truthfully, most kitchen items are used very frequently, so they make great gifts. We have a stainless steel set of pots and pans, which is great because you can scrub the bajeezus out of them and they won't get ruined. And their quality has been compared to All Clad. However, I think owning at least one really good non-stick pan is essential. The GreenPan is great because the non-stick won't contaminate your food as it wears out or gets scratched.
Basic bedding
I say basic, because again, a big colorful comforter may not work in your next place. White sheets (again) can be bleached so the upkeep is easy and it goes with everything. A good down or alternative comforter is a wonderful thing to own along with a duvet cover. We didn't register for any bedding or pillows, but now, I think it would have been a safe call and a really nice gift.
Gift cards
I know it seems impersonal, but if you have enough giftcards to the same place, you may be able to purchase the really big item that no one guest would buy alone. Or the less basic items that you 'want' more than 'need.' Those giftcards led to some more fun purchases that only we could have picked.
DON'T register for...
Home decor
If there is anything we've learned in three years, it's that styles change. Especially going from an apartment to a house, we've learned that many decor items that got us through temporary apartment living suddenly look terrible in a house. Personally, we did not register for decor and I'm so glad we didn't. This left more room for necessary items for everyday living... and those needs certainly don't go out of style!
Furniture
Do you know where you'll live in a year? Five years? That shelf you registered for may not fit in your next place, or you may just grow tired of it. The money spent on it could have been better served on a set of good platters or a great sauce pan. You don't want to limit where you want to live based on your gifted furniture. To this day, we don't buy expensive furniture because our life stage could mean more moves or messy children. We don't want to limit our living options based on our furniture or become devastated when someone smears peanut butter on the back of the couch.
Novelty kitchen gadgets
As hard as it is for me to put this one in (hello, we love our sous vide machine), it really is a don't for a wedding registry. A set of good knives will be far more useful than a rice cooker. Focus on needs first, fun stuff later.
Fun stuff
Okay, this one is debatable. Especially coming from a couple that loves experiences more than things. We almost registered for some camping gear (in fact, I think we did), but I'm glad we didn't get any because we've camped maybe twice thus far. I much prefer having those everyday items. When we did get a tent and some gear, we spent very little on them and they've been good for our short trips. Some people may love the fun stuff more, and that is A-Okay too... we just happened to discover that the necessities were really fun at that point in life.
What about you? What would you add or nix from a registry?
P.S. This is by no means an end-all-be-all. We're all different! After three and a half years, though, I'm still so grateful for all the wonderful gifts we received! Such a happy time :) It was interesting to write this post and see what a great impact kitchen items have on our life.
Some honorable mentions for the do list: cooking utensils of all kinds, measuring cups, cookie sheets, serving platters, large cutting board, wine and beer :)
When Feelings Get Hurt In Marriage
You guys know I love to lift up marriage and speak well of it. Truly, it is such an immense pleasure and privilege to be with the right person till death. I mean, come on, you get to share a bed and steal each other's fries and have a smoking hot date to things for the rest of your life. It's pretty awesome.
But of course, it has its days. It's hard work, you know, staying on the same page with someone for years and years on end. So sometimes it's hard, and sometimes hurtful things get said, or someone misinterprets. Sometimes you argue because some days it just takes a little more work to get back on that steady wave-length. It's just life keeping you on your toes.
And guess what? People get hurt feelings. Whether your brother took a joke just a step too far, your friend told you your haircut looks bad, or your spouse shows a little less tact in getting a point across... feelings get hurt. For whatever reason, it can sting especially bad when it's the person closest to you in every possible way. I mean, you share a bed with them, a fridge, money, and even a bathroom. So when you want to give them the old cold shoulder, it's hard because you need them to pass you the ketchup. You can go into another room and shut them out, but what good will that do?
Let's rewind.
When I was a kid and my siblings hurt each others' feelings, my parents did one of two things: stopped us mid-brattiness and told us to stop (fizzling out the situation and the feelings that could have gone with it) or held a little intervention to mediate and get everyone back on the same page through apologies, forgiveness, and probably a hug-it-out.
Because we're adults, and our stubborn sinful natures can get the best of us, dealing with hurt feelings and forgiveness doesn't always happen as easily. There's no one there to hush someone up or clock someone's words before it's too late. There's no one there to mediate a husband and wife through a hurtful situation.
Oh wait.
Yes there is.
A forgiving Savior.
We fail Him every day. All the time. We probably hurt His feelings a whole bunch. But when we go to Him, and admit that we're the worst, and feebly ask for forgiveness we don't deserve, He gives it.
So why is it so hard to forgive our spouses sometimes? Well, because we don’t have the grace-giving, forgiving nature of Jesus. We have to work at it. And we should work at it.
For from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.
When he came and saw the grace of God, he was glad…
Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift.
(John 1:16-17, Acts:11:23a, Romans 5:20-21, Ephesians 4:7)
You see? Grace is a gift that abounds, brings gladness, and should be present especially where sin is found.
Sometimes I get the feeling that Christianity is viewed as a bunch of rigid rules to follow with no room for error. Though we are called to follow God’s law, the thing many people seem to miss, is that these laws actually offer a life filled with forgiveness, humility, love, and grace. Even happiness. We won’t follow them perfectly, of course, but that’s when we truly see how priceless God’s gift of grace is to us.
It's easy to pull the cold shoulder when our spouse hurts our feelings. We can let those sour feelings ruin our day or even our week. We can go without that ketchup, if it means we don't have to face up to our spouse and our hurt feelings (see: stubbornness)
Instead, why not recognize the freedom we have in choosing grace over grudging? Regardless of whether you're hurt, or did the hurting - the choice is up to you. The intervention to come to a resolution and a hug-it-out is mediated by the ultimate Mediator.
You are given grace upon grace, even though you're a crummy person a lot of the time (let's be real). You can give it to whomever you please. Let the hurt feelings fizzle out... and please... pass the ketchup.
The Proposal: A Short Story by Tom Johnson
It was a glorious day in the small town of Shorewood, Wisconsin. The birds were echoing memories of a summer soon to be gone, the trees were dancing in the calm lake breeze, and the sky sang forth in bright splendor and serenity to all who would take a moment to listen.
Four years ago today, a handsome scoundrel asked me to be his wife. It was a proposal that only a man such as my husband would dare attempt, and only the woman so in love with this man and his mischievous ways would have said yes to. It's a captivating story and what better way to tell it than through the words of the very man who did the proposing? I've shared this account before, but it's been some time since then. If you think that I'm dramatic or overly-exaggerating, you haven't seen anything yet. You may want to find some food or drink to sustain you through the following paragraphs...
And if you're deeply curious as to the character of our relationship, the story of Beatrice and Benedick from Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing sums it up: Watch This #sassyforlife
Anyways, on to the story:
It's not all that interesting of a story, but here's how it happened:
t was a glorious day in the small town of Shorewood, Wisconsin. The birds were echoing memories of a summer soon to be gone, the trees were dancing in the calm lake breeze, and the sky sang forth in bright splendor and serenity to all who would take a moment to listen.
Happiest of all creatures was I, for I knew the delight was soon to be brought to the one that I hold so dear. I joined her that morning, as is our weekly custom, to celebrate the forgiveness and redemption that is granted by the grace of God at Luther Memorial Chapel, a congregation that had welcomed us with their hearts and hearths on many a bright Sunday morning before.
After we had received forgiveness, the Holy Sacrament, and been invigorated by the preaching of the Law and Gospel, we set forth to find ourselves a place where we could enjoy each other’s company whilst satisfying our ravenous appetites. We found this feat quick to accomplish, for in the land of Shorewood are many a happy café all which tantalize the senses by whispering with their sweet aromas and tempting with goods hung in gaily-lit stoops.
We come upon a small establishment which bore a sign telling a tale of rooftop tables, a quiet garden, and peaceful separation from the busy streets. My mind's eye was filled with the tranquil scene that we would discover there and I nearly leaped with pleasure as I thought of the scene which was about to set forth in such a place. We at once hailed the cheery staff and inquired as to the seating arrangements. The knowledge soon came to us that food service would not be ready for at least another half of an hour. This news was disheartening at first and I prepared myself to leave, hat in hand, but Joy, possessing a cooler head and a calm demeanor, faced out tribulation and coaxed out the knowledge that we could stroll the rooftop garden and look upon the shining skyline of the city while we waited for one of the staff to attend to us. This news was gladly received and we headed to the aforementioned garden to await our steward.
Before I go any further, I must first speak to a plan that had been set in motion days before the events which I am describing:
I, behaving as a rapscallion, have always put on airs that I was not interested in marriage to anyone at any time and as such, led Joy to believe that she would die an old maid. Before you lay judgment upon me, know this: It was all a ruse to make her all the more shocked when the eventuality of proposal came and I had indeed thought about such an occasion many a time before.
Realizing that my clever deception was assured of success, I then decided to further dismay the lady by proposing to her with a ring that I had purchased from K-mart. This ring, a sad and fragile object, was bought with the knowledge that it was exactly what my fair Joy had determined to be the least appealing cut of stone, nay even repulsive to her countenance. She had informed me on many occasions, using her extensive cunning and suggestion, of her absolute detest for a certain style and shape of rings and precious stones. I knew at those times that the ferocity and frequency of her mentioning could only be a slight indication of her hatred for its design and therefore was thoroughly informed as to what she did not want to bear as a token of companionship till the end of her days.
However, in those rants about the ugliness of certain rings, I did also glean a good many details as to the shape and size of the ring that she longed to adorn her slender finger. With this knowledge played close to my chest, I went and purchased two rings; one containing artificial stones which would bring her unbelievable anguish, the other, to give an elation that I could not comprehend until the deed was done and still wonder at to this day.
Now you know, and we can go back to my tale
On the rooftop there was indeed a happy garden and a small path to walk about. After walking the course of it and admiring the many different plants and adornments, we decided to take a seat at one of the empty tables that sat adjoining the garden and resolved to enjoy the pleasure of each other’s company until such a time as we could order food.
After gazing into each other’s eyes for what seemed like a dozen ages of the earth and yet a flash in time, fleeting as the evening sun, my thoughts were taken from the rooftop. I began to focus, with an intensity that could be rivaled only by the beauty of the one whom I adored, on the precious ring that I had left in my car, thinking that doing so would afford me a more opportune moment later in the day. My thoughts raced around the deepest recesses of my existence and fell upon one seemingly incontrovertible assessment; waiting one more aching moment to present her with the ring would only delay our shared elation. I could not come to any reason to explain my hesitance to leave the ring’s presentation to circumstance so instead I decided to take action.
Summoning up the courage to tell a small deception to my beloved, I asked to excuse myself, weaving a tall tale of a weak bladder and strong coffee. Luckily for me, the tale fell upon unsuspecting ears, my heart pounding a drum loud enough to rouse the elephants of Hannibal’s army to face the fray, and thus I escaped with true motives hidden.
After making my shaky exit I ran through the avenues of the city, my feet churning beneath me with the vigor and fortitude of destiny. I knew that if e’er I walked those streets again, I would walk them not as a solitary being on the face of this world, but as one to whom another is forever fated to walk arm in arm with.
I came upon my humble vehicle and nearly tore the door off in apprehension. Freeing the token from the hiding place among the seats would have given a less determined man pause, but I extracted it from its former obscurity with the skill of a practiced surgeon and turned towards the homeward journey with a fire in my eyes. The return journey seemed to pass in the flash of an instant, the world blurring past my perceptions, veiled as it was in the focus on my end goal. I raced down the path, my heart ebbing and flowing with the very spirit of the city on whose arterial boulevard I now shared pulse with.
The stairs to the rooftop offered no protest, for they saw I was in no mood to give way to exhaustion of a steep ascent. Upon reflection, I would wager that even Everest in all its might would have yielded to my whims, for I was a man with purpose.
I arrived on the rooftop, immediately putting on a demure persona. Though the very depths of my soul screamed out in rapture at the sight of the girl, I knew that I could contain my emotions until the opportune moment. I must! The buildup to this moment was only felt by one party on that rooftop and I bore the truth that soon it's culmination would be shared a thousand fold in her face. But first, I must play the fool.
I must admit, I felt as though I was as transparent as a clear night sky is between the heavens and the earth, but to my delight, she gave no indication that they was something amiss in my behavior. After a moment or two, Joy excused herself to use the facilities which I had used as cover for my absence, and I had to be quick of wit when she asked me for their location. I gave a vague description of where they were, hoping that my information would not lead her too far away from the intended destination.
Once she had left, I removed the box (which still contained the fake ring) from my pocket and placed it under a large napkin on the table to wait for her return. Passing seconds tricked slowly by, each one held by my mind before given permission to depart, and I began to wonder if the direction I had given had led her so far astray that she was now wandering in a labyrinth of halls cursing the heavens in my name.
But lo! The fair lady was there with me! Her delicate rose-petaled hand e’en now hovered next to the hidden token she would carry on her finger until the end of her days. I was suddenly struck by depth of the deed I had put into motion. I was to be united to this woman… but not until she did deem it to be so.
Would she accept?!?
A denial would be my undoing!!
Anguish!
Ahhhhh, me! I was rocked to the core and frozen in place. How to ask? What to say? How could I have laid out the plans so quickly, that I neglected to decide what my next move would be? Had I more time to prepare, and been a more clever man, I would have had doves prepared to descend, a band of loot and lyre set to strike up at a word, and the very depths of the earth to shout out with me in song!
But I sat…..
I realized that the deed needed to done. Come. What. May. It must be done.
Not with a band, not with doves, not with any sounds but the gentle whisper of the breeze on the happy trees. She would see it, and her reaction would be all the symphony that I would need.
I removed the napkin.
Shock
Wide eyes met mine
I saw the tremble of her hand. The quiver of a lip. The Gasp! Oh Sweet Symphony! She was elated! She was happy! The light of a thousand suns shone on her face!
She opened the box…
Shock
Wide eyes met mine
I once again saw the tremble of her hand. The quiver of a lip. She…. was…. horrified… The ring that she loathed now sat in front of her eyes. Her mind that was a split second before blank now came flooding in with emotions.
What a scoundrel I am, ‘tis so. Heaven forgive me for putting my sweet Joy through that moment, but ohhhhh was it a thing to see! I witnessed the birth and destruction of Rome, the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet, the rising of the sun and it’s setting in that instant.
But did I stop there? How could I?
I reached into my being and asked coyly,
“Do you love it?”
…......................
Some questions have a more complete answer given by the pregnant pause in preface, than by any responded thesis of a thousand pages. This was one of those questions and one of those pauses.
...She breathed out a shakily emphatic,
“Yes.”
A lie! But a sweeter one was never spoken! Did I need any more proof that this woman loved me? If she had thrown herself in front of a bullet for me the statement would have meant as much. She loved me! I knew it well before, but she was willing to suffer through her greatest fear in order not to part ways with me!
I could not make her wait longer. I had put her through enough anguish!
I liberated the ring from it's captive prison and asked,
“Well then, what am I going to do with this one?”
This time she leaped out of the chair! She rushed over to me, love pouring out of every part of her being!
She said yes!
Anyways, that’s how it happened.
To My Husband In These First Years
Dear Husband,
It's been just us for some time now, and I still revel in it.
We've gone on many a date, and even begun to make the most monotonous excursions somehow romantic (or at least fun). We have created a plethora of inside jokes, nicknames, and facial expressions that keep us connected and continually joking (many times without having to say a single word). We can anticipate each other's emotions, needs, thoughts, and next words without it seeming creepy... and in fact it offers such a sweet sense of comfort to know the other gets you in that way. We argue better than we did a few short years ago, yet we still hold our ground when we differ, and encourage our independent natures. We are lovers, friends, and blessings to one another's lives.
But eventually, our lives will be interrupted. Things will change. Whether it be another move, little people to add to our ranks, job changes, illnesses, or any of life's many curves.
So today, I want to acknowledge you. Just in case, as the years go by, I forget.
I want to add a few more promises to the ones I made at the altar several years back. Maybe I won't be able to keep these promises perfectly or even at all... but I want you to read this over one day when you miss these first few years. Tell me to re-read it to, because I could probably use the reminder.
You know how you roll over each morning and snuggle me close? How even now, I sometimes don't reciprocate because I like my space? Well, keep doing that. Because I know you are just loving me, even when I get a little snarly. It does make me feel loved, and you know it, and that's why you never stop. And on the mornings you wake up too late and jump right into the shower, I notice. And I miss it.
If you just plant yourself in front of me, I'll give you a backrub - why has it taken you so long to figure this out??
And thanks for the countless backrubs you give to me. You're pretty great.
I'm glad you love my baking. Please always request things, because even when I act like it's such a chore, it's not. Especially when you come watch me and keep me company.
I'm sorry for the eventual day when I curse doing the laundry. But how about this... if you start helping me fold, I'll do my best to look forward to it for as long as we live because it'll mean binge watching a show or funny Youtube videos with you.
Thank you for being so handy around the house. You know how I've told you that keeping a nice, clean, comfortable home is important to me? Well, I couldn't do that without you. You built me a kitchen. And countless other things. Maybe I keep it clean and decorated, but you're the base. I'm all about that base (yes, as that one song goes).
Someday I may not notice when you've had a long day, so please tell me, because I'll want to help. Even if that means leaving you alone for bit.
I hope that my patience grows with time. If it doesn't, thank you for being the gold standard for patience and knowing exactly how to cool my jets.
I know you're telling me the truth when you tell me I'm beautiful. Even when my hair is grimy and there's zits on my face and I feel frumpy. But you can always tell me that more, if you want to :) And in case I haven't told you enough, you're the most handsome, incredible man I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. I'm so blessed by you. Every single day.
We may not always have the ability to show affection (aka holding hands, arm-in-arm, etc..), but I promise I'll always try to make room for you. Even when I'm tired of being touched by other little beings, your big hugs and gentle forehead kisses should always have a place in my day.
Making you coffee every morning is a pleasure. If I ever think otherwise, remind me that I make it for me too.
Having you as my chauffeur is the best. Thanks for not judging me for my disdain towards driving.
Cooking with you in these first years has been the most fun. I love making high-end meals at home and learning about wine and having a snooty palate sometimes. I know other people think we're weird for enjoying this, and maybe they think we're being pretentious, but if at some point we eat only mac'n'cheese and PBJ sandwiches for years on end, I won't regret this time for one minute. And I'm glad we didn't wait to try our hand at it when we're old and our taste buds are broken.
Maybe you'll travel for work more often, and I won't be able to join you. For now, I am cherishing the freedom I have to tag along. But I hope you always miss me as terribly as I miss you.
When people make fun of us for being cutesy or clingy, I'm glad you never take offense. I'm glad we're so close, and I'm so thankful our marriage is built on an outstanding friendship and deep faith. We have a fierce love, as I say.
I hope you know how much I respect and support your career, and thank you for respecting and supporting mine. I love being your number one cheerleader. Even when things at home are crazy and there's plenty of other things on our plate, I hope you know that your job is important to me too.
Above all, don't you dare get un-fun. And don't let it happen to me. This especially includes sassiness. Because removing the sassy, removes the fun.
Sharing your life with someone else can be tough and trying.
Yet it is such a privilege to pray for you and with you, and grow together each and every day. Wherever this life leads us, prioritizing and loving you is such an immense joy, and I thank God you are by my side.
All my love,