30 by 30
Now that I'm officially closer to 30 than I am to 20, I think it's time for me to come up with a fun little challenge of accomplishments I hope to make by the time I hit the big 3-0. Some are more measurable than others, but there's a lot of great things in life that can't be measured... am I right? I'll be sure to update this list periodically, as I go.
- Learn to enjoy ONE semi-athletic behavior. Does drinking coffee count as an athletic feat?
Summer 2017: Love my workout routine - low weight high reps - Visit 3 cities I've never been to before.
1. San Antonio 2. Nashville 3. Florence, Italy 4. Pisa, Italy 5. Paris, France 6. Dijon, France 7. Reykjavik, Iceland - Learn to sew.
My mom taught me in March 2018! - Double my readership.
Check! - Keep eating cheesy breadsticks. Because why stop?
Yup. - Become an amateur photographer as a side hustle.
Working on it - Remodel the main floor of our house. By mostly our own labor.
Finished early June 2016 - Make a steady, monthly income from blogging and freelancing.
Affiliates! - Have a child... or two... or three? I wonder how many we could squeeze in before 30? Or is that a different sort of challenge? Hahaha
Well, infertility sort of threw this one for a loop - but Silas Benedict arrived May 2018! - Give 5 gifts "just because."
Check - Create a new baking recipe simply through trial and error and WRITE IT DOWN.
Bacon asparagus quiche - recipe to come. - Become fluent in Spanish.
- Master living simply. Materialistically, mentally, and through intentionality with time.
I'm not sure I've mastered it, and I'm not sure how to measure that, but it's part of my every day life and it's been amazing. - Get professional photos taken.
- See Coldplay in concert.
July 2016 - Read about it! - Have my husband teach me simple graphic design skills. So is this more his goal, or mine? Because it's kind of his fault if I don't reach it, right? ;)
- Try 30+ new wines.
||||| ||||| ||||| ||||| ||||| ....yes. this one was easy - Get stronger (physically).
My husband informed me that my legs aren't as soft as they used to be, so this is slowly happening (I really didn't imagine sticking to this one, so I'm surprised at myself) (Summer 2017) - Become an expert on money management and budgeting. At least an expert in our own finances.
Tom is our money manager and I think he's doing great. - Write a children's book. Even if it's just for my own kids.
Working on it! - Send out Christmas cards every year (we are soooo bad at this).
2015 2̶0̶1̶6̶ 2017 - Finally get our Bernese Mountain Dog.
Check! - Do something spontaneous and/or adventurous with my husband twice a month.
Nov 2015: Biked San Antonio // invited guests for Thanksgiving at the last minute
Dec 2015: tried Columbian food // walked in a parade with Bernese Mountain Dogs
Jan 2016: saw Star Wars again // bought something OFF our grocery list *gasp* Blue Bell
Feb 2016: Tom bought us Coldplay tickets // had cake for no good reason
Mar 2016: bought a kitchen // got some new phones
Apr 2016: started a kitchen renovation // bought a grill
May 2016: saw the Giants play // took an unplanned trip to IKEA
June 2016: camped overnight in a field up north // bought new appliances
July 2016: got rootbeer floats instead of groceries // stayed in an Airbnb in WI
Aug 2016: saw Needtobreathe in concert // went to a local festival
Sept 2016: looked at campers // left the house for a date at 10:30pm
Oct 2016: went to our favorite mediterranean restaurant // carved pumpkins!
Nov 2016: we got a DSLR camera // we decided to get a puppy
Dec 2016: we ate at a Culver's an hour away // we saw Rogue One
Jan 2017: we took our new puppy to an outdoor mall and got wine // we hiked
Feb 2017: went to Ponce City Market // went to Italian instead of getting groceries
Mar 2017: started a garden inside // tried Cajun food
Apr 2017: seeded grass in the backyard // bought flights to Iceland, France, and Italy
May 2017: stopped at some favorite places in Milwaukee // went out for drinks at Avalon
June 2017: visited Twin Peaks in SF // went couch shopping // (bonus: made sushi!)
July 2017: went shoe shopping for Europe // went shopping with road sodies (wine)
August 2017:
September 2017:
October 2017:
November 2017:
December 2017:
January 2018:
February 2018:
March 2018:
April 2018:
May 2018:
June 2018:
July 2018: - Eat at a Michelin starred restaurant.
We totally had the chance in France and we didn't! - Do a 30 day photo challenge.
December 2016! - Communicate my gratefulness and love to my husband in some way, every day.
Check, check, check - happily! - Read the Bible cover-to-cover.
- Find my inner green thumb.
We started a garden! April 2017 - Not get lame. Specifically not get "too old" for staying up late, being spontaneous, not let kids be an excuse (unless it's to get out of something lame), and not look at myself as "old."
- Go to the Kentucky Derby.
What would you add?
Goodwill Art Transformation
Guys. Stop buying canvas or framed art anywhere else.
We got this canvas at Goodwill for $20. The original sticker was still on the back... $319.
This big fella was 3 feet 9 inches by 5 feet wide. It was perfect for this huge wall in our room that was just begging for a giant piece of art.
If you want to buy a new canvas, this size will run you anywhere from $70 to $100, so we got a huge steal.
I got the idea for this DIY from this post on The Suite Life Designs. I used Martha Stewart slate gray acrylic craft paint and yellow gold metallic.
First, I primed the canvas with plain, old latex primer we had laying around. Then I covered it in slate gray (two coats) and then brushed the gold in. Tom actually did the majority of this project (long arms). My biggest concern was making sure none of the gray (bluish) showed through the majority of the gold... at least until it reached the middle area where the colors actually met.
Overall, we love how it turned out!
What do you think? We thought the "slate gray" seemed a little bluer than we were looking for, but it's growing on us.
After You Move: Steps to Loving Your New Location
For some people, moving is as a normal as trading in a car after a couple years of use. For the rest of us, though, it can seem like a life-altering event... and in many ways it is. In the beginning it alters your routine. Suddenly you're dealing with a new space to turn into a home, you're familiarizing yourself with amenities nearby, you're learning how your new grocery store is laid out and what they have or don't have. Maybe you even have to follow your phone's GPS for several weeks to get yourself anywhere (I still do!). Nevertheless, it's a huge transition and one that doesn't really come with a manual for acclimating yourself.
We moved to Georgia, just over a year ago from Wisconsin. I wish I could say it had been a cinch, but my first several months here were met with situational depression (sometimes called adjustment disorder). I missed my friends, family, familiarity, the culture of Wisconsin, road systems (haha), and my old sense of adventure that seemed to blossom in the less populated Midwest. Majority of those first months were spent in tears that often times had nothing to even trigger them besides "not feeling like myself." Thankfully, I have a kind and caring husband who handled my emotions with grace, and it was very meaningful to be able to talk to my mom and sisters so frequently on the phone. In fact, it was whilst talking to my oldest sister, one day, that I finally had the breakdown my mind and body needed. I bawled on the phone after she asked casually how I had been. It was the kind of cry a child has when they're literally blubbering and you can't understand a single word in between those 'cry-breaths.' I don't know how to better describe it, unfortunately, but it was rather pathetic and I think I made my sister miss a portion of a class she was taking! After that, though, things seemed to get better with each day. Now, I feel more at home, and still each day, I'm growing to love Georgia bit by bit... especially its weather!
The thing is, I know my scenario probably isn't unusual, and I think it would do some good to open up about the struggles related to this. Moving is very hard for some people, and finding the right support can be difficult. Like my post on relating to others, it's easy to forget how hard something like a move can be. In two years, I'll look back on my move with glazed eyes, and tell the newcomer to our hometown how they'll get used to it. How does that help them? When people told me that, it only made me more alone. It made me feel like I just needed to tough it out and forget I was struggling with it.... and it just didn't help.
Today, if you're struggling from the changes of a new move let me help you. Let me be honest and tell you that it's not very easy, sometimes. That it's lonely and foreign and misunderstood. Let me also tell you, that it will get better... but in the meantime, it's okay to cry. Let me help you, by giving you some ideas I wish I had tried a little sooner. Remember that it's an adventure and good things will come in time!
1. Acclimate to a nearby grocery store.
It sounds silly, but once I felt comfortable knowing my way around the nearest grocery store, I felt more at home. When you don't feel like you're making laps and always missing the item you're looking for, you'll know you're a little more established. When I actually started to get to know the employee's names and faces over the course of a few weeks, I had a familiar place to go during those times I felt lonely.
2. Learn to love the area culture.
This is one I should have thought of the minute we moved here! When I moved to Wisconsin for school, I fought the "Wisconsin pride" culture until my graduating year. When I finally let myself love it and stop seeing myself as a foreigner (a native Iowan), I finally fell in love with it! The beer, cheese, custard, cold weather activities, seasonal festivals, foodie culture, and coffee roasteries became my happy place and a source of camaraderie amongst the people around me. Upon moving to Georgia, I just kept focusing on how much it wasn't Wisconsin and I hated it (I'm still learning the culture in Georgia). Once you appreciate it for what it is, you can love it. Just as my mom says: once you learn to love someone for exactly who they are, instead of wishing they were different, you'll learn they're more easy to be around and you'll enjoy their company.
3. Instigate social activities.
This one was hard for me. I felt insecure and worried that people wouldn't want to hang out with me and often just waited for people to invite me. I still struggle with this a little, but it's important to put yourself out there to meet new people. Whether it's inviting a co-worker out for a drink, or having some friends over for dinner, the social interaction is important. Say yes to as many social engagements in the beginning as you're able. Working from home made this especially hard for me. Thankfully, though, I now have people nearby that I can text on a moment's notice and meet up with for coffee or lunch.
4. Create a support group.
For me, it was just my sisters, mom, and friends through phone calls (and Tom, but I hated that he always had to get the brunt of my tears). I would suggest finding (at least) one person you can visit with in real life. It took time, but now I can say there's a few souls in the area that I can be real with and go to for a little venting session.
5. Explore!
Like the grocery store stability idea, also find some "favorites" early on. A go-to for Chinese take-out. Your favorite place to grab a beer and watch the game. Best place for a casual date night. Best place to browse when you're bored (for us it's an outdoor mall). Find a new favorite coffee shop to visit occasionally. Where's the best BBQ? Slowly become an expert on your area, and keep learning about all the fun, hole-in-the-wall spots!
6. Find a church home.
This was an obvious one for us, as it's very important in our life. Once we found a stable, comfortable, familiar place to worship, other pieces fell into place. We had a place besides our actual house that felt like home. People we could count on seeing every week, people who's lives we knew about and who knew about ours. All with the same basis of faith and community. We are always so thankful that it was one of the very first positive things we found upon moving!
7. Invite friends and family to visit.
This was easier than we imagined. People WANTED to visit because of the weather and we had about one or two visitors every month for nearly a year! This gave us something to look forward to, especially on the days when we felt especially lonely. Seriously... knowing that people were going to come see me, kept me sane.
8. Plan trips!
This one has been a lifesaver! In learning to love a new area, it's also important to learn what kinds of things are a short drive away. It familiarizes you even further and helps you realize that you live somewhere pretty darn cool! We've driven to the ocean, to the mountains, to Nashville, and are planning some flights in the near future for family visits as well as leisure and work. Getting away is very important in learning to love where you live - it goes along with becoming an expert :)
9. Remember the positives.
For a while, it was easy to focus on the negatives.
No one here 'gets' me... their beer isn't as good... the traffic is horrible... why is it so expensive?... I miss my friends...
When those thoughts creep in, overrule them with positivity.
I have friends worth missing... their sweet tea is so much better... the weather here is incredible... I love that people want to visit... we got a house here!
Just the act of being positive about it will enhance your overall mood.
10. Find a routine.
Personally, I need a stable routine. Too many interruptions in my day-to-day and I feel stressed. I try to keep an even balance between time with Tom, time for work, social activities, and personal growth. It's hard to say no (more on that later!) but managing your schedule and what works best for you will not only help you, but your relationships with others as well. For example, leaving room for spontaneity is very important to me, so sometimes I say no, so I can say yes to something crazy!
I'm so glad to mostly be on the other side of the transition of our move. It was a struggle that I felt alone in, and it caused me to close off to the few people I had met. I'm learning more and more to go to others when I'm in need of some love and prayers, but also to buck up and have confidence in who I am. I feel more like the "old me" every day and my independence is finally starting to peek through. The fragility of my emotions seems to be something of the past, now, and I'm so glad to say it. Tom has been such an encouragement and I'm always blessed to have my Savior to lean on in all my troubles (and joys!).
Is this struggle something you know all too well? What has helped you? I won't tell you it's easy, because it wasn't, but I will tell you it gets better. In the meantime, I hope these ideas can help.
10 Things That Went Right With Our Wedding
Ages ago, I wrote about all the flubs that happened on or surrounding our wedding... so today, I thought it should be followed up with all the things that went right. Honestly, the majority of it went right, but I'll give you all the highlights!
1. Our venue.
Shortly after we got engaged, Tom and I started casually looking for venues and happened upon an old villa overlooking Lake Michigan. My parents got to make the official decision, but after my mom saw it in person for the first time, it was a done deal. It was absolutely stunning.
2. A morning wedding and brunch reception.
Read this post on why I loved having a morning wedding. In summary, Tom and I, though not morning people, loved our coffee dates and Sunday brunches together. So the overall idea was very fitting, and it was incredibly cost effective for a Saturday.
3. My flowers didn't die.
We got married in Wisconsin, but I got my flowers from Iowa! My parents brought them along, and they had to survive about 24 hours before my wedding even started.
4. Spring weather.
We got married in April, and though it was still a little brown in Wisconsin, I wasn't sweaty! It was a little chilly, but I personally prefer that over sweaty.
5. The food.
Our brunch menu was soooo good. I didn't know for months later, but there were donuts! We had a coffee bar, mimosas, egg bake, fresh fruit, donuts (apparently), pastries, and all sorts of other hot items that I do not even remember. All I know is that people still remember our wedding food because it wasn't chicken or steak.
6. It was small.
Though Tom and I were often the "life of the party" in college, and had a lot of friends and family, we opted for a more intimate wedding with just over 70 guests. It was hard not inviting certain people, but we're glad that we can say we're still close to nearly all our guests.
7. Our attire.
I still adore my wedding dress. My figure was petite and shapely, and my dress accentuated it very well. Tom bought a suit instead of a tux, and I think it was a much better decision. In terms of looks and budget!
8. We were able to get matching wedding bands.
Tom and I really wanted rose gold wedding bands, but they were nearly impossible to find anywhere. We found Tom's in a secondhand jewelry store, and we had mine made in a vintage jewelry shop. We liked them because they were unique, and because the yellow, white, or dark bands looked weird on Tom's hand. I love that they match and am so grateful we figured out how to find them!
9. My brother officiated.
Tom and I come from families filled with pastors, including both our dads. However, we both agreed that we just wanted our dads to be dads on our wedding, and I asked my brother to officiate instead. He did a wonderful job and it was really special to have him up there and give such a wonderful message of grace, faith, and salvation. It meant a lot and it's one of my favorite parts of the day.
10. We became husband and wife.
There's nothing like being legally and religiously bound to your best friend for the rest of your life! Haha... it really was just the start of an amazing relationship. One where we fall in love more every day. Where we laugh, argue, work things out, laugh some more, make decisions, hug, kiss, tease, surprise, listen, and be each other's constant and life-long best friend. It amazes each of us how much a relationship can gain when it's nourished with God's Word and treated with gratefulness and forgiveness. If I love my future children even half as much as I love Tom (or he loves me), I think they'll be well off :)
What went RIGHT on your wedding?
Also, honorable mention to our photographer that day : James Saleska.
Our $30 Fire Pit
Georgia is in prime fire pit weather right now. It's still pretty warm during the day, but chilly at night and since we are finally in the position to have a firepit (ie. we own a home and have some land), we decided to make it one of the first upgrades to our outdoor living. When we lived in apartments, we used to look up public places that allowed fires, but we never found anything. Finally, we can burn freely! Yet again, I'm coming to you with some thrifty, amazing finds.
You know those big, metal barrels that are stereotypically used by homeless people in movies to keep warm? Well, this guy was selling those cut in half, with holes (for ventilation) for $20 on Craigslist. Of course we went out right away and got one. Like many other typical house things, we also didn't have a shovel to dig it into the ground. I've said it before, and I'll say it again... ReStore!!! They had what looked like a truckload of brand new shovels for $10 each.
With these items in hand, we made our way home. Thomas dug a hole, and made sure to get airflow to the bottom of the barrel (where there is a hole with a grate over it). Next, we gathered up some paving/landscaping stones that were around little patches of landscaping in the backyard. We're going to re-do the landscaping in the backyard anyway, so it was a good way to repurpose the stones for right now.
Until we want to spend the money on nicer, matching blocks, this one will work great as a more rustic version. Seriously guys, a kit that comes with blocks and a metal ring at Home Depot will run you $200. For $30, I have no complaints and am ecstatic that we have a secluded little place for a fire, drinks, and s'mores.
So there you have it!
Metal half-barrel : $20
Shovel: $10
Paving stones: FREE
TOTAL: $30
When Advice Forgets to Relate
It's amazing to look back on how your life changes, and how you can personally grow in such a short time, isn't it? Is there a small grouping of years in your life that you feel you matured and changed immensely?
My husband and I recently made such an observation.
We met our freshman year in college at 19 years old. We were good friends, but were dating other people at the time, and weren't all that interested in each other... at least in a romantic way. Over the next two and a half years, we dated other people, but would occasionally find ourselves hanging out with mutual friends. Halfway through our junior year, we started dating because we realized we were best friends and had suddenly become attracted to each other (which was weird/exciting haha). We graduated the next year, got engaged three months later, married eight months after that, moved 800 miles a year and a half later, and will have babies one of these days, God-willing.
Think of that. In a span of less than seven years we went from teen friends - boyfriend/girlfriend - college graduates - living independently - career driven - engaged - married - big move - new careers - homeowners. And it's not like we're unusual... many people have followed similar paths.
Take a moment, though, and consider the growing that occurs in those years (or other short spans when you feel you matured quickly). The things I talked about, that were important to me only six years ago, pale in comparison to what is important now. If 19 year old you, knew 26 year old you, wouldn't you be shocked?! Tom and I often remark that if the "freshman year us" knew the "married us," we wouldn't believe it for a second.
You've maybe read some of my previous posts on being perceived as a baby when you're an adult, or about being void of peers during transitional periods.
Oh my, it would be easy for me to look back at 19 year old me, and think about what a baby I was (because I was). What would be the point, though? I was younger, yes. Less "adult" than I am now. But if I look down on the younger version of myself as though it's lightyears away, would I begin to treat other 19 year olds as babies?
I had a recent conversation with my sister, in which we talked about forgetting how a stage in life felt. Someone from a stage in life, that you've long passed, may come to you with frustration and complaints about what's been happening. When you're so beyond it, it's easy to forget how 'big' that time in life felt, and how much stress or sadness you dealt with. You'll hear them and think, "It's fine. You'll get past it soon. Just deal." In doing so, it minimizes that person's experience and their feelings.
When you really think back, you might just remember how tough that time in your life truly was. Of course, I look back at the struggles in college and think "pshht... compared to home renovations, college struggles were a cinch." When I REALLY think back, though, I can remember that horrible feeling of working so hard on school work while juggling jobs, and still not being able to afford gas to get to my internships. I remember refusing to turn the air on so that my utility bills wouldn't cut into my meager food budget that basically allowed me to live off peanut butter toast (no joke). It was hard!
When I hear people only a few years younger than me express their similar struggles, it's so much easier to minimize it and think to myself, "Oh they have no idea what's ahead." What a dismissive response! If I told them as much, wouldn't it feel like me building up a wall between us as if to say, "Call me when you realize how much this didn't matter?"
It's nice to receive advice, but sometimes it's just nicer to receive empathy or a relatable discussion. One that says that it doesn't matter how "far removed" you may be from a stage in life... that time was hard. Offer prayer and encouragement (sound like my marriage post?). Admittedly, it is hard not to diminish someone's struggles, when you've already passed them yourself. Instead, maybe think of a current struggle and realize that sometimes all you need is grace and understanding. Someone to pat you on the back and tell you it's hard. Not the overarching 'been-there-done-that' attitude that makes you feel small.
Seven years isn't a long time. It is, however, long enough to feel removed from a stage of life you were in only a year or two prior (what comes to mind: heavy social involvement with classmates, bar hopping, very late nights, awkward dating, being very poor, class projects, first career-step woes, apartment living, etc..). But instead of grabbing hold of pride (a sin I struggle with), maybe if I can just remember the struggles and offer more understanding, rather than advice, it can open my heart to relating to people on a kinder level. How does my 'just-you-wait' attitude help or relate to this person? Am I shutting them out? Probably.
Admittedly, it's a hard habit to break, because it's one that comes naturally to us (to seem wiser). But by breaking down age-related barriers, maybe we'll find a way to relate so deeply to those behind us (or beyond us) in years. Each of us has such unique experiences to offer, and though you think you've been-there-done-that, maybe they've endured a struggle you will never have to face. Struggles that you cannot imagine bouncing back from.
A verse that often comes to mind is this:
Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. (1 Timothy 4:12)
That verse so beautifully sums up my meaning! Age is not a defining factor of who we are, because we grow and change immensely in only a matter of years. In the same way a career is not what defines us. We are daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents, friends, and most of all - children of God. We are all saved by God's grace and given the gift of faith through Christ's death and resurrection. We are all called to set an example in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity - whether we are older or younger - it makes no difference.
For me, I will challenge myself to offer a little more grace, a listening ear instead of an advice-heavy tongue, and a chance to develop relationships and community with those I see myself 'beyond.' It means pushing back on the Old-Adam-habit to build distance, and instead try to build commonality. It means setting pride aside, and simply offering connection. Let's cling to a little humility and gather up encouragement.
When was your big growth spurt? Have you made a similar observation about age-barriers?
Stop Treating Marriage Like Damaged Goods
During our engagement Tom and I heard it all:
- Why are you getting married so young? What's the rush?
- I got married right out of college and we got divorced shortly after. We were young and dumb.
- Marriage gets boring after the honeymoon stage.
- Wait till you have kids.. good luck making time for each other.
- Oye - have fun living with a man-child.
- After you get married, you'll realize how annoying that person really is.
- Marriage is more work than you realize.
After we got married it continued:
- How long have you been married? Two years? The honeymoon stage is almost over!
- Enjoy dates now, when you have kids that all ends.
- It's cute how you two always hold hands - it doesn't last long, enjoy it!
- You'll understand when the honeymoon stage ends.
- I wish MY husband held the door for ME...
Why do we batter marriage the way that we do? Why don't we lift it up and speak well of it?
I would hear these phrases thrown at us in the height of our elatement to be married and easily brush them off with the warm-fuzzies I felt for my husband. It's funny, though, the things that crop back up in retrospect. Why didn't these people offer words of encouragement and blessings? Of course, many did offer loving gestures and congratulations... but why were they sometimes followed up with words of distaste and annoyance with the institution of marriage?
We all have experiences of our own, and each of us wants to offer advice when a moment arises that it may seem useful. But why not advice that offers the bad with the good?
Marriage is hard work, they were right... but it is so much more than that.
Marriage is...
true
noble
right
pure
lovely
admirable
excellent
...it is worthy of praise.
Sound familiar? From Phillippians 4:8.
Of course, it doesn't always look like those things... of course, of course, of course. We are two sinners and have definitely hit some awful trials. Those that go into marriage with such high expectations of their happiness being dependent on this one person, and who believe love without honeymoon-like elation is not love, are deeply fooled. Thomas and I married for the right reasons and at the time when we were ready (to answer why we got married 'so young').
I remember going to a resort to surprise my mom for her birthday, about a year after we got married. The majority of my siblings, their spouses, and children were able to go, and we all spent the daytime at the several indoor waterparks in the resort (it was in Wisconsin, obviously). Tom and I had been on all the fun, rowdy rides and had been making sure nieces and nephews didn't capsize in the wave pool. We decided to take a break and float the lazy river in a two person tube. We talked, people-watched, laughed, and gave back rubs to each other. As a young mom floated by, she asked, "Are you two newlyweds?" to which we simply nodded, smiled, and referenced our wedding a year before. This stranger's question was meant sweetly and I appreciated that she noticed our happy demeanor as a couple.
And then... I made up a challenge.
"Tom," I said, "let's always fool people into thinking we're newlyweds. I don't care if we have kids or if we're tired and annoyed with each other. Or even if we're 65. Will you promise to always have fun with me like a giddy newlywed? Hold my hand no matter what. Make it a point to sit next to one another at social gatherings. Even when there's squirmy kids, let's put each other first." and he agreed.
You see, so often marriage is kicked to the curb. By the unmarried and married alike. It's joked about and poked and prodded with this overarching, impending end to happiness. As if once the rings have been exchanged, you'll find out that it's a big hoax and you actually become super miserable.
But friends, don't buy it.
Stand up for marriage and the gift that it is. It's a promise to hold someone in high regards as your companion and friend for life. Don't berate the man you married and call him a drooling slob in front of others. Speak well of him. Don't turn your wife into a control-psycho-maniac when you're talking to the guys. Lift up her strengths and poise.
Currently, I'm reading the first of Mindy Kaling's books called, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me. Mostly it's a funny memoir of her life, experiences, and opinions. She is living in the Hollywood realm, but her views on marriage are traditional, and when she wrote about it in one chapter it made me proud to read her book. The chapter was titled "Married People Need to Step It Up." In it, she references the countless divorcees she is acquainted with, and how so many people around her are ruining the good things about marriage for her. She goes on to talk about the marriages she admires, like that of her parents, who's friendship is what chalks them up as a great couple.
Then, she speaks well of marriage. Here are some snippets:
"I want to hear that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat... I want to hear about it, because I know it's possible, and because I want it for myself. ...part of me still thinks, is it really so hard to make it work? ...And I'm not saying marriage should always be easy. But we seem to get so gloomily worked up about it these days.
Married people, it's up to you. It's entirely on your shoulders to keep this sinking institution afloat. It's a stately old ship, and a lot of people, like me, want to get on board. Please be psyched, and convey that psychedness to us. And always remember: so many, many people are envious of what you have."
When I read that very last sentence, I knew I had to write this post. Mindy is a single woman. When married people talk so begrudgingly about marriage, people like Mindy hear it and think to themselves "How could you say that? You wake up to a great person every day!" Maybe it was just me (I don't think it was), but in college I used to always envy the sweet relationships around me. I actually watched people meet and date their future spouses and I loved seeing it happen. But I wanted it too. I would think about and pray for my future husband. By God's grace and blessing, I did meet that man in college. Not everyone gets that so early in life and Tom and I make it a habit to be grateful for each other every day.
The next time you find yourself in a group of women and they're all insinuating that their spouses are slobbering idiots, stand up for yours and build him up. When the other men are talking about 'their old lady' who's got them on a tight leash, tell them how much your lady rocks. Make it a habit to do the little things you stopped doing after 'the newlywed stage.' Don't just flip out the light and roll over to sleep... say goodnight, cuddle, talk about the best parts of your day. Pick up your spouse's favorite candy to have during 'your show' once the kids are in bed - and when your kids beg to have some when they see it in the pantry, say no! Make it a point to sit next to your spouse during social get-togethers. Appreciate, cherish, and prioritize that person.
When you see another young couple about to say their vows, lift them up in prayer. Tell them how wonderful marriage is... even after a whole bunch of years. Give them solid advice for making marriage a little easier when the going gets tough. Challenge them to drag the honeymoon stage out for their lifetime, instead of talking about its impending doom. Be an example of the joy and privilege of being married to the love of your life.
Stand up for marriage, friends. Speak well of it. Put the very best construction on the gift you have, that others are praying for. Be psyched about it, because it is sooooo worth being psyched about.
When You're Void of Peers
Do you have peers around you? Same age, stage of life, etc...?
In high school you're surrounded by peers. In college, again, you're surrounded by peers. In your first grown-up job there is a good chance you'll be surrounded by peers too.
In my case, that is exactly how things panned out. I had such amazing college friends who, when we graduated, mostly remained in the same area. Maybe that's unusual, but once a month or so, we'd plan a dinner to meet up or maybe we'd even be spontaneous enough in our new, job-y lifestyles to grab coffee on a weekday after work. We'd show up in our cardigans and pencil skirts and talk about wedding planning, newlywed life, or swap funny work stories. Then one of us moved... and then another...
For us that moved away, we found ourselves a little forlorn. Who would I get dinner with once a month and swap funny marriage stories with? In fact, who can I talk openly about my life with now?
In college, our friendships grew from a clean slate. We hadn't dated much, gone bar hopping, bought our own wardrobe, lived outside our parent's homes... so as we learned to navigate life, we navigated it together. We saw each other breakdown under the pressure of school work or breakups. We helped each other scrape our way through the poorest of poor and pay rent and still manage to eat. Our heart-to-hearts were encouraging, understanding, faith-based, and always on the same page. When one of us was hurting, there were people there to comfort and knowingly offer hugs, a sleepover, and a drink.
When marriages physically separated us, the understanding and knowing words of encouragement remained. Our lives still mirrored one another in changes, accomplishments, and frustrations.
Having been one that moved away, the lack of peers has been hard. Of all the adjustments in being 800 miles from all that's familiar (yes, I'm still not used to Georgia!), having spot-on commonality is something I desperately miss. Sure, I can call any of these people and say "So remember when Tom and I got in that dumb argument about ___? Well the subject came up again and he totally gets what I mean now and we laughed about it," but I can't grab their favorite drink at Starbucks and show up on their doorstep.
One of these nearest and dearests is now pregnant. She has peers around her that are also nearing that stage. They get to learn about weird pregnancy things together and cry about how their pants don't fit anymore and how they sleep really bad now. I'm so excited for her and I love hearing about every step of the way.
But it got me thinking about how much I miss my peers. How when at some point I am expecting a little babe I won't have someone to come over and swap new, strange pregnancy discoveries with. You know, saying things like, "Has this happened to you yet? Have you noticed this in the mornings?" Maybe it seems like a silly revelation... but it was another roundhouse kick to the lonely part of my heart. Having those unfiltered, honest conversations about things that are TMI or just plain funny. The feeling of being able to relate on that deeper, long term level is so underrated, isn't it? Making those references to an experience 3 years ago that relate to a reference now is so wonderful. The simple convenience of talking to someone (in your sweatpants and makeup-free face) about how your lives have changed so much since that night you walked barefoot to the Pizza Shuttle from North Ave.
Even at my husband's work, he is the only 'one of his kind.' When we do meet people our own age, they're still dating around. Rarely we find another young, married couple, but their beliefs differ ours entirely. So maybe our situation back in the Midwest was unique...?
Regardless, I guess all I'm saying is, keep your peers close. When you're the only one of your kind in a new city, you will so desperately miss being able to relate to someone familiar. Someone who saw you every day. You'll feel a little remorse for not showing up at their door more often in the past and you'll feel slightly pathetic for missing your peers now. You'll feel the spontaneity and sociable characteristics you once had, drain a little. You'll feel that twinge of loneliness in your heart from time to time.
By God's grace, though, I often see the silver lining. I remember that the opportunities we've come across and people we've met here are incredible. We have a house, year-round beautiful weather, and an amazing location for others to visit.
So again, do you have peers around you? Have you been, or are in my scenario too? How have you learned to cope?
And by no means am I ungrateful for the incredible, loving, welcoming friends I have here. They are the ones I talk about admiringly to my family and I look forward to seeing them. They have my back, and I have theirs. There is something unifying about the relationships I've made here and how deep down I feel fiercely connected to them. Like family.