Marriage Is Only The Beginning of First Kisses
When I Netflix binge-watch, I choose shows that I can have on in the background of whatever I'm doing without actually needing to watch every moment. The background noise is nice in an otherwise quiet house, and for the moments I need to derail my thoughts, it's nice to glance up and tune out for a few minutes. I've been through Grey's Anatomy, Gilmore Girls, and currently I'm breezing through Friends.
It's not a show I watched much when I was younger, but I get the draw behind the little love interests and deep friendship of the main characters. It's very superficial and not at all realistic, but that's TV... I get it.
The other day though, Monica came to the realization that once she married Chandler, there would be no more first kisses. No more of that beginning part of a relationship that has you clinging on their every word and action.
Yes, she later comes to realize that their more-than-skin-deep relationship is good too, but it really nagged at me.
Is that how some people really view marriage? The "end-all?"
No more first kisses *womp womp*
No more freedom and time that's your own *womp womp*
No more excitement or "firsts" *womp womp*
...and so on.
Here's the point that Monica missed:
It is up to married people to recognize, acknowledge, and cherish all the firsts to come.
Are we long past our very first kiss? Yes... and maybe some would mourn the prospect of never knowing that feeling again.
But I also remember...
- our first conversation about getting married.
- our wedding!
- our first roadtrip.
- the first nights in every place we've lived as a married couple.
- our first big argument and learning the true power of forgiveness and faithfulness from that moment on.
- our first kiss in our first house.
- our first kiss every morning upon waking.
- our first kiss upon arriving home from work.
- our first time *ahem* you know what I mean.
- our first big move.
- our first career change.
God willing, we have plenty of other firsts to look forward to. Including...
- our first major home renovation.
- our first child.
- kissing each new child for the first time.
- kissing each child before they go to bed.
- our children's first words, steps, day of school, S.O.'s, leaving the house, etc...
- our first family dog.
- our first grandchild.
- our first time growing old together.
Life is filled with new firsts after marriage. Monica's mourning over "no more first kisses" made me so sad. Is that really appealing? Spending your life with first kiss after first kiss and missing out on all the firsts you can experience with someone throughout a lifetime?
I know I say it so often, but guys, marriage is such an incredible gift. You may not have that very first kiss ever again... but all the firsts after and to come, sound a whole lot more appealing to me. Don't find yourself tied to that beginning phase of a relationship because it's sweet and uncomplicated. Sure a first kiss is memorable. But more than remembering a bunch of first kisses, I'd like to remember a lifetime with the spouse God gave me. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Let's be psyched about marriage, guys. It's so worth being psyched about.
Stairway/Landing Refresh
It's official.
Our upstairs now looks like an entirely different house than our downstairs. Which is annoying, but good -- progress, baby!
This was the quickest refresh we've done so far. All it took was a weekend!
Here's what we did:
- ceiling: smoothed, primed, painted
- painted the walls
- painted the trim (6 doorways..ugh)
- replaced the light fixture
- replaced the switch and cover
As always, here's the glamour shots:
Here's a breakdown of items:
Wall paint: Silver City by Behr Marquee
Trim paint: Maui Mist by Behr (it's also the same white we used in our master and wood room walls)
Light fixture: Oil Rubbed Bronze LED Mushroom Flushmount
What do you guys think? Easy-peasy and soooo much better. That grey is also going to be used throughout the downstairs as well. That way we'll have a very nice flow to our small home and go from browns all over the place, to some cooler neutrals to brighten the space.
I Argue Because I Love You
Marriage is tough, guys.
You often hear me touting about how great and wonderful marriage is whenever I've written about it here. Maybe you've noticed that even in those posts, I've made mention to the fact that it's also very hard. It's one of the hardest but most rewarding parts of life. The thing is... I've never really expanded on "the hard parts" and I think that's important too. When people who are un-married read my posts, they aren't seeing the full picture. When I give no more than a fleeting "it's hard" mixed in with "but so wonderful, happy, and great," it probably seems confusing - like, "what the heck, then what's so hard?" Maybe to those who aren't in it, those statements don't make any sense. Today, I'd like to explain how even in the hard parts of marriage, there is good. The parts of marriage that sting or hurt are actually one of the things that makes it beautiful.
Let's dive in.
When I was a kid, I was no stranger to the fact that my peers had parents who were divorced. I knew what it meant and what happened when people got divorced and it scared me. I remember very specifically one evening, when my parents were arguing... and that fear crept in. Feebly, I asked, "... are you going to get divorced?" They stopped and looked at me, surprised. They put their argument aside and explained calmly, in such simple terms (that didn't make sense to me at the time) why I didn't need to worry about that.
"We're arguing because we love each other."
Fast forward to adulthood and married life.
I say adulthood, because how many of you have argued with your best friends and come out all the stronger once you worked it out? College roommate battles? Even growing up with siblings... did all that arguing tear you apart? In relationships and marriage, it is no different. We argue because sometimes we need to. Because we have something to fix, and we care enough to fix it.
Something we try to remember is the difference between arguing/bickering versus fighting. Fighting tends to insinuate that you're on different teams... but no matter how "divided" you may feel about a certain topic, you're married - you're still on the same team. With that in mind, we don't "fight" but we do argue. Frankly, I worry when I hear couples say they never disagree. If there is never a disagreement, that says to me that one or both are not speaking their minds fully, and honesty is being compromised. Again, I have no professional training to say this with authority, but when I think about roommates I had in college (my best friends), when no one spoke up about an obvious issue, there was at least someone who was unhappy. Always. Or someone was building resentment internally because so-and-so never did the dishes. Or so-and-so never cleaned the bathroom. Or so-and-so wasn't timely with their rent portion. Disagreements need to happen for a lasting, healthy relationship. However, extreme or constant arguing might be a sign to learn how to better communicate or get a little counseling.
So what did my parents mean when they said they argue because they love each other? Well here's our take...
- The moment we stop arguing, will be the moment we stop caring enough about our relationship to put in the work it requires.
- When we keep our disagreements to ourselves, we withhold honesty and build resentment.
- When we foster an environment where we can't disagree, we are setting the stage for lax communication that spreads to all areas and facets of our relationship. And will probably create "blow-up" arguments in the future.
- When you start to feel hopeless after a week of bickering here and there, remember that marriage isn't such a fragile entity. One "off-week" isn't creating and "off-marriage." Working through it creates strength and keeping God at the center will give your marriage a lasting basis beyond your own selfishness.
It's tempting, of course, to shut down. Walk away. Give the cold shoulder. But being as we're on the same team, we need to care, understand, show patience, and love. And guess what? Once you're a couple weeks past it, I bet you'll have a hard time remembering what you even argued about in the first place. For example, I only remember the fact that we bickered incessantly for the week leading up to closing on our house because I wrote it down in a journal. I'm bewildered as to what we even bickered about, but the days since then have only been better! That's what I mean when I say marriage can be hard. It is hard... but it tends to be an after-thought because the good truly does outweigh it.
Do I think we should still be slow to anger (Proverbs 19:11)? Absolutely. I think Ephesians 4:15-16 says it well:
Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.
Sometimes speaking the truth in love can mean a little arguing, and that's okay... because when you love someone so much, they're worth the 'fight.'
(See 10 Things I've Learned About Marriage to see a little overview of some ground rules we set up from the start to disagree in a healthy way. Disagreements are just inevitable - but how you go about them does matter for the health of your marriage. Again, I'm no professional, but we can all use some tips on how to "fight nice," right? Plus, the other nine things are fun to read too!)
Guest Bathroom
I love an easy update!
Here's the shortcut version of what we did...
- removed chair rails and patched area
- scraped ceilings smooth, primed, and painted
- re-caulked tub, toilet, and sink
- painted walls, cabinet, vanity, and trim
- added drawer and cabinet hardware
- created a faux marble countertop using contact paper
- installed a new toilet
All of these projects were simple, relatively cheap, and we were done in four days. Did it have surprises? Ohhh yes. Unwelcome, accidental, surprises. Lemme just show you the best way we know how.
Hahahaha ...don't you love when you buy a house that literally has holes in the walls? Oh well. We'll fix it later. Here's some more process glamour shots.
So what do you all think? For a simple update, we are super pleased.
Things for Phase 2:
- champagne bronze towel holder (also one for large towels), light fixture, and faucet
- new tub/shower
- new vanity and countertop
- fix the hole in the wall and come up with a better storage solution (instead of the cabinet)
- different flooring
- fix the air vent to actually go outside instead of to the attic (ugh)
- general decor (framed art, etc..)
You Don't Know The Best Time For Me To Have Kids
We know, we're young.
People tell us all the time.
With our youth and marriage, though, there are many who seem to know what's best for us. Strangers, in fact. Or acquaintances. Even friends or family.
Rarely, since we got married, have we been openly advised on what car to buy, where to rent an apartment, what town to buy a home in, or what doctor to go to. Any of those could use a wise recommendation, though, don't you think? Strange, people don't seem to bother with offering well-meaning advice on things of that nature.
There is one area though, that everyone seems to have an recommendation for:
When we should have kids.
I know I know... sometimes these sorts of topics come with the territory of marriage and that's okay. I realize it can even be meant out of love or excitement, and I get that. We've learned to joke light-heartedly about it and brush off silly comments. But as I think about it, and hear it more and more often, it's got me wondering, "Who are you to know when I should have a kid?"
In the Midwest, almost as soon as we said "I will" the comments poured in...
"When are you going to start having kids?" - this one still leaves me speechless. How is that your business at ALL?
"First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes..." - oye.
"You'd sure look cute pregnant!" - *forced smile* ..thannnnks..?
Then there's the grey area of just joking about it. The flat out jokes are the ones we (personally) don't mind. It's no secret that we want children so poking a little fun at the eventuality is understandable and more respectful. These people never claim to know anything about our plans with it, but maybe just like the idea of us joining the ranks of parenthood.
Now in the South, we hear something quite different (and always a little shocking to my Midwest ears)...
"Just waaaiiittt. Take your time. Don't start till you're 30." - I cannot begin to tell you how many people have said this to me. Strangers and everyone in between. Too many people to count, honestly.
"How old are you? Oh, you're a ways off from kids, then, right?" - uhh...
The thing is, their advice in this area will not change what my husband and I talk about. In fact, it won't even make us question our motives or our thoughts on the matter. Part of that is because there is a much better answer to such questions or opinions:
"We don't know when.... but God does."
There are people who get pregnant unexpectedly.
People who wish nothing more than to be pregnant right now.
People who are hoping to wait several more years.
People who are secretly pregnant and the world doesn't know yet.
People who are struggling with infertility.
People who are waiting and have no idea they will struggle with infertility.
People who are using contraceptives.
People who have suffered through a miscarriage or more.
People who are trying, and trying, and trying.
But no matter any of these circumstances, God knows and they don't. Even when we think we know, He may have a totally different plan for our lives.
No one would knowingly set out to tell a woman who is recovering from a miscarriage to "just wait a few years." You would't ask a woman you know is trying amidst infertility "when are you going to start a family?" How could you make the assumption that someone is "a ways off" from starting a family, when for all you know, she is secretly pregnant? Think about the fact that you don't know God's plan for her any more than she does. Also realize that what you wished for in retrospect, may not be something she will wish someday.
As the youngest in a family of seven children, I value large, close-knit crews. My parents married when my mom was 19 so two things seem very normal to me.
1) marrying young
2) having loads of kids
This isn't some kind of forbearance that we're hoping for as large of a brood someday, but for people who tell me to wait until I'm 30... are you assuming I want two or three children? Would you tell me to wait if I told you I wanted six? I find it such an odd piece of advice that no one should feel so inclined to give as it is such a personal decision that varies from one couple to the next.
The same is true for people who encourage it right-after-the-altar. Why would you want to rush children into such a precious phase of life? Because you think we should have twelve of them? Let it be! I know plenty of people who had children right away and are happy as can be, and others who wished it had happened later. Both would say, "...but I am so blessed to be ___'s mom. I wouldn't change that for a second."
People have babies when God blesses them with them. Some sooner than they had planned, and others far later than they'd hoped. Still, God may place children in someone's life exactly when they wanted them. Only He knows.
My point is, please, please, do not super impose personal family planning regrets or opinions on others. You have no idea what they are planning or if their plans are not playing out as they'd hoped. Chances are, they have different hopes and plans than you did. If you're already a parent, think back to the opinions on this that were expressed to you... did they help, hurt, or have any meaning to you at all? For me, in all honesty, these pieces of advice tend to go in one ear and out the other.
A friend recently said it best when she said, "It's all in God's plan. Sure, I wanted it a little sooner than it happened, but then that baby wouldn't be this one. And I can't imagine life without this one."
God's plan is the best plan. Remember that no matter when someone is blessed with babies... whether they're 20 or 32... it was God's will that they begin parenthood just then. Pray God grants them His richest blessings and lift them up. All children are a gift from God... no matter how old their parents are ;)
Garage Laundry Room
This room makes my heart flutter. Why? Because my husband made it juuuustttt for me. He gets the rest of the garage to organize how he pleases, but this is my little corner of bliss. When we moved here, all I asked was that someday we fix up the laundry corner to feel clean, sterile, and welcoming. Before, it felt like every clean sock I dropped on the floor might have sucked up some car oils or a few chunks of saw dust.
This project ended up happening sooner than I had expected, since we moved our tankless water heater to the crawlspace. That switch gave Tom enough room to build a wall and make it feel like its own room.
We went with darker grey walls to better hide any scuffs that garage-life might give it over the years. That cutesy little light is from IKEA and was only $15 (but Tom had to convert it from a plug-in to a switch operated one). Speaking of which, there wasn't even a light near the laundry area to begin with so even that was a huge upgrade. Then, Tom built a shelf. It's basically boxed over two strips of wood on the left and right walls and is very sturdy. We painted it with some white chalk paint and threw on a coat of wax to seal it up. There's an outdoor rug from IKEA as well. Now, it just needs some storage cubes or baskets to complete the look! See the photos for before and afters and just a bunch of glamour shots...
What do you guys think??
When Did You Start Taking Life For Granted?
One weekend, I watched a beautiful documentary on Netflix called The Drop Box. The synopsis is as follows:
After finding an abandoned infant on his doorstep in the winter, a pastor builds a special drop box to keep any future foundlings safe.
The Drop Box tells the story of South Korean pastor Lee Jong-rak and his heroic efforts to embrace and protect the most vulnerable members of society. It is a heart-wrenching exploration of the physical, emotional and financial toll associated with providing refuge to orphans that would otherwise be abandoned on the streets. But The Drop Box movie is also a story of hope—a reminder that every human life is sacred and worthy of love. (from IMBD and The Drop Box website)
It gave me a healthy dose of humility, all while bringing me to tears and laughter. Not only does he rescue children who would have otherwise been abandoned in the streets, he has adopted 15 of them (the legal maximum). Many of these babies are only hours old or have mental or physical disabilities. He admits that he never thought he would ever need to adopt any, but says, "The reason I became their father was... God has adopted me."
After seeing the humbling nature of this man, it made me realize how incredibly blessed I am. How many things I take for granted, and how I tend to glaze over the little things that are big things to many others. Maybe you've taken these things for granted too, but to start to New Year off with a grateful heart, I'd like to share a few times in life that deserve more than a fleeting thought.
In those younger years:
- carefree & debt free // not understanding the value of money was bliss.
- mom & dad // why did I ever talk back? Parents are the best.
- family vacations // think of all the memories, meals, souvenirs, etc...
- first jobs // babysitting family friends or working in stores with probably a lot of other classmates... hard, physical labor was somehow fun.
- holidays // you were always home (or at least with your family).
In those college+ years:
- still somewhat carefree // though you probably had bills, rent, food (or alcohol), gas, phone, and tuition bills... it was a simpler time. Very hard, sometimes, but exciting. Future endeavors were within reach. That social life was amazing.
- worshipping together // there is something so special and unique about being in a church with 150+ peers your own age (plus the opportunity to hear various theology professors preach). Roommates, boyfriends, girlfriends... all there for the same purpose. Singing hymns and praying together. When I worship with those friends now, it feels so familiar and so connecting.
- last years of peers // at college and my first job out, I had the privilege of being around lots of people my age/ stage of life. I never thought about that ending, but it did... and when we moved, it was a hard reality. Absolutely took that for granted.
- metabolism // can I get an amen?
- living with your best friends // you had friends/roommates to talk to until 4am. Or you could go get some late night Taco Bell after drinks. Finally, life without curfew! This is such a fun, unique stage of life that goes by oh so quickly.
In those first years of marriage:
- life is a date // lazy Sundays have a whole new meaning with a spouse. You are no longer pigging out and watching movies alone. Every little thing becomes more fun. Going to the laundromat, grocery shopping together, cooking, waking up next to each other. (Honestly, almost three years in, and most of this hasn't worn off. We're trying to let it last)
- easy spontaneity // everyone is more than happy to warn you about losing freedom after kids, so why not listen and do whatever you can on a whim?
- "don't get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life" // it's important to prepare for the future, but it's also easier to take risks, live off less money, and enjoy youthful, wedded bliss at this stage in life. Let go of perfectionism and live. Vacation. Say no. You're finally adult enough to make your own decisions and not feel bad about it!
- quietness & clean-freakness // we know the quiet will someday end and my borderline OCD cleanliness will have to take it down a notch, so this is the time to revel.
In those years with children (my best guesses from here on out!):
- little moments // snuggles and middle of the night wake-ups. Sick snuggles too. Watching them develop each day, little by little. Wishing it would slow down. I'm sure there's too many to even give credence to.
- one-on-one talks // even if it's just about the garbage truck or the bird in the tree. Teaching them to pray and listening to their concerns. Especially sweet when there's more than one and you can catch a few conversations with just one at a time.
- little moments with your spouse // it's a relationship that needs as much love an attention as the children, but it often gets put on the back-burner because of the urgent needs of those little'uns. But those moments you can catch after bath-times and before you crash must be precious.
- that desire to learn // don't children remind you how fascinating the world is? Or how heartbreaking it is to know that some children don't have the opportunity to learn to read when you see the joy your child has in learning it?
- family vacations // the tables are turning, now, aren't they? Now you see the joy your parents had on these excursions.
- seeing your children succeed // In school, yes, but even as they enter the workforce. To see the values you instilled at work in their everyday lives. Their vocation is more meaningful than their paycheck, isn't it?
In those retirement years:
- being husband and wife again // re-learn how to date and find hobbies to enjoy together. Not everyone is given this next part of life to share together. It's worth it to fall in love all over.
- seeing your grandchildren // time with that next generation is so fleeting, but the bond between a grandparent and child is so precious. Having never met my grandfathers, it's worth it to take advantage of the time you have.
- your purpose // you are still so needed by many around you and your purpose doesn't end at a certain age. Finding a way to share your stories, advice, and what you know isn't invaluable. Do people still write their memoirs? I think they should.
Remember that life is fleeting, friends. And I don't mean that morbidly - haha - but it truly is. The material things we own, or buy, or build will not follow us. Memories and little moments are what life is made of. Each day is a gift from God and whether you're old or young, rich or poor, close or far away... cherish the moments that are easily forgotten. At the end of 2016, will you reminisce on the goals you met or didn't meet, or will you think of how much you loved, listened, felt happiness, hurt, or excitement? I know the latter is true for me. So to begin this year, I choose gratefulness. For every moment I forgot to acknowledge last year, I hope to acknowledge them now. Happy New Year, friends - God's richest blessing to you!