What Marriage Looks Like With A Baby
Before our son came into the world, my husband and I lived married and childless for five years. As perhaps you've read, that wasn't exactly our plan…
Before our son came into the world, my husband and I lived married and childless for five years. As perhaps you've read, that wasn't exactly our plan, but it was God's. The timing ended up (per usual) being just right, and we are now overjoyed to have our little boy, especially with all the waiting and sadness we had to endure in the years leading up to his arrival.
To be honest, sometimes I wonder if it's our particular set of experiences that have made the transition to "married with kids" a little sweeter for us. When you're newlyweds or just married without kids you hear so much of the typical, "Enjoy this time! You won't be able to do (fill in the blank with just about ANYTHING) once kids come along!" Sure, some of these comments are well-meaning. They come from people who might see you in a stage of life that is so far behind them, that they think back on it admiringly. But just like my most popular marriage post (read it here), the amount of wompy comments you hear before bringing a child into the world is sort of dismal.
We're nearly four months into this whole parenting thing, and we're still pretty sleep deprived. Don't get me wrong - it's hard! But good grief are we happy. A full night of sleep versus "having" to snuggle a little boy to sleep who is the spitting image of the guy I'm in love with, is not such a terrible trade off. But I suppose if you're curious, I'll lay out for you what marriage looks like now, post baby...
It looks like two bleary-eyed 20-somethings who DO sometimes miss their sleep and wonder if they appreciated it enough in years past.
It looks like sharing the responsibilities of caring for a little human. Giving one another breaks from the pressure of caring for a baby 24/7. Championing wake and nap time so momma can shower in the evening, or so someone can cook dinner, or just plain spend time doing nothing at all.
It looks like a husband, who really did not have any idea what a newborn is like. That they don't really acknowledge you, and basically just emit cries for needs that you seemingly cannot meet (ie. feeding)... until the day that little alien actually DOES acknowledge him and he melts into a puddle.
It looks like two people who both slightly mourn the answer to the question, "Wanna have some fun tonight?" ...while the other tilts their head and yawns (hahaha)
It looks like a husband who finds new ways to contribute to caring for his child, by caring for his wife with big breakfasts and heaps of coffee at her bedside. EVERY morning.
It looks like a wife who musters up the time and energy at the end of a long day of shushing, rocking, feeding, cleaning, bouncing, shopping, dog duties, and everything else, to nuzzle up to her husband and scratch his back and talk all about him instead of the baby.
It looks like new versions of the same people. The excitement in meeting the "dad" or "mom" version of your spouse.
It looks like bonding over yet another beautiful thing. Only this time, it's 100x greater than your bond over food, wine, furniture, sense of humor, or whatever else.
It looks like grace being doled out when schedules get messed up or things get overlooked.
It looks like teamwork just to get through another sleepless night.
It looks like two parents who, when morning breaks, forget the frustration of the night before when two eyes that look like daddy's gaze up at you admiringly, and two perfect lips that look like mommy's curl up into a massive smile to greet the day. The troubles of the night just melt away in a matter of seconds.
It looks like a heart that was full, has somehow expanded for this precious new person. As if you clearly must have been the Grinch before this moment.
It sounds like a lot of "Well, we can't do that at 5:00, because that lines up with a feed, and then he needs a bath, and..."
It looks like cancelled plans and "Sorry, we had a rough night. We won't make it."
It looks like burp cloths in every room, baby toys and gadgets strewn across the house, and the smell of spit-up on your clothes. Gone are the days of freshly dusted surfaces and matching decor... at least for this season in life.
It looks like early mornings and long nights, but short weeks and months.
It looks like pride in seeing your baby grabbing toys, have healthy poops, roll over, laugh for the first time, talk in gibberish, learn to sit-up, stand-up, walk, etc... because YOU get to be the ones who witness it.
It looks like a date night on the couch when baby is down for bed, but with a video monitor on the coffee table next to the glass of wine and bowl of ice cream... while you pass out watching the monitor instead of the movie.
It looks like fun weekends exploring new places as a family, instead of as a couple. Finally.
It looks like a knowing smile at one another that says, "I'm glad this is us now" as you watch other families enjoy a day. Because that glance between you used to communicate sadness and pain... wishing it was you with the baby.
It looks like baby snuggles and the way your spouse looks at you while you hold their child.
It looks like ... happiness, contentedness, peace, and love.
Marriage with a baby looks like love extended. It looks like God's most precious gift. It is without a doubt, the happiest time in our marriage thus far. We're more tired than we've ever been, but we also feel more blessed than ever before.
It has been such a privilege to meet this new version of Tom. I love this post by someone I follow on Instagram (who posts awesome, convicted wisdom). He is talking about his wife, but I think the same sentiments can be said for either spouse:
Parenthood is something we are both so excited to be a part of. It has opened us up to not only the obvious love we have for Silas, but a new and deeper love for one another.
Don't be afraid when it's your turn, friends. You might get the jitters in the final weeks of pregnancy when the reality hits you that life will never be the same again... but take it from me, in no time at all, you won't be able to imagine life without your baby in it. Your "old" life is there, but something wonderful is simply being added to it.
And believe me, nothing will make you fall more in love with your spouse, than seeing them as a parent to your child.
Marriage after a baby?
...it looks a lot like a family.
First Trimester Recap
As you've probably heard by now, Tom and I are expecting our first baby in May! After two years of infertility and all the fun (sarcasm)...
As you've probably heard by now, Tom and I are expecting our first baby in May! After two years of infertility and all the fun (sarcasm) doctor's appointments and so on with that, we were somehow blessed with this little miracle. All babies are miracles, of course, but really... God is pretty darn awesome to have made this little baby possible. We have been singing His praises ever since, let me tell you!
Instead of doing the whole weekly bump-date thing that, (no offense) is a little overkill in my opinion, I'll just do them by trimester for those of you who might be curious about all things baby. I hope that didn't sound mean, but plenty of people have babies and each and every week isn't honestly that different from the next, or from each person. So I figured this would be more efficient. Anyways, here's what weeks 1 - 12 looked like. I'm going off my notes at this point, as I'm currently on week eighteen.
Symptoms
Nausea - everyday until after lunch! A few bouts of actual puking, but mostly just queasy all the time.
Tired - Oh was I tired. There truly is nothing like that early pregnancy exhaustion. I haven't been a napper for a few years, so it was really weird to suddenly start passing out all the time.
Sore boobies - Yup! So uncomfortable! As a tummy sleeper, this was sooo sad.
Dizzy - It may have been part of the sleepiness, but I would get crazy dizzy spells and need to sit down. Water intake was certainly helpful because it's so much easier to get dehydrated while pregnant too.
Food aversions - Europe was awful. Didn't want bread, pasta, coffee, pastries, etc.. so I basically lived off of yogurt, fruit, and crackers. Beyond Europe, meat and veggies were also not favorites.
Sensitive to smells - Europe, was again, terrible for this. Cigarette smoke makes me dry heave just thinking about it even now, perfume, farts (haha), dog food, leftover food in the fridge, etc...
Crampy - I have felt my uterus growing from the beginning. Maybe I'm just one that's more annoyingly in-tune with my body, but I always notice cramping (which feels like it's happening a lot). This has always alarmed me because they resemble period cramps sometimes. More water always helps!
Emotional - I'm not a big crier, but holy moly. Every slightly adorable/sweet/sad/whatever made me a sobbing mess. I had to switch to exclusively waterproof mascara early on.
Acne - womp! I had such annoying breakouts!
Vivid dreams - The weirdest, most vivid dreams! I'm not usually one to dream a lot or at least remember them, but I was having crazy dreams every single night. I actually loved this.
Cravings
I can't really say I had cravings in the first trimester, as much as I had moments when something FINALLY sounded good and we would take advantage. If I "craved" anything, it was always fruit. But really, I was so nauseous the first trimester, if a burger suddenly sounded good, we'd hop to it because it was usually short lived. Like a lot of women, I lost a few pounds in the first trimester because eating was hard. I ate a lot of grilled cheese, fruit, ice cream, granola, yogurt, cereal, cheese, and salad. Warm foods sounded far less appealing than cold.
First Trimester Journal
Weeks 5-8
We found out I was miraculously pregnant NINE days before our long awaited Iceland/Europe trip. The week we found out, I rushed in to the doctor for confirmation because this was so hard to believe. My bloodwork all came back normal and on par with gestational age, but to help support the pregnancy, my doctor did put me on oral progesterone. I'm super thankful she did, but it definitely heightens those pregnancy symptoms!
Also, to be transparent, we had actually planned this trip to get our minds off our infertility and take a break from doctors appointments.
SIDE NOTE: If you've never been through infertility, there are months where you honestly don't think about it much, and months where you do. You just take it a day, a week, a month at a time. It's always in the back of your mind, and many things can certainly trigger your thoughts and emotions, but you have to find distractions or you'll go crazy. Please do NOT comment below and tell me we got pregnant because "we relaxed" or "stopped thinking about it." We didn't think about it the first few months, and that didn't get us pregnant. We had an actual diagnosis and tests to prove there was clearly an issue, so please, spare me. Sorry, it's just another WRONG thing to say to people who go through this trial... I mean it in love and in hopes it helps outsiders understand.
Anyways, during our three week trip I was 6, 7, and 8 weeks pregnant. Basically the worst possible times to travel while pregnant and probably the most difficult (*see: tired, nauseous, and sensitive to smells). I. was. miserable. Grateful... but miserable. We saw nothing in Paris because it smelled so awful and I was so exhausted from our red eye. I had to take a nap break almost every day so I could function later, mornings had to be slow because of the morning sickness, and poor Tom had to be our legs and fetch me what few foods I could stomach. One of the times I puked on the trip, was in Northern Italy. I had opened our fridge to get some milk out for cereal, and caught a whiff of the leftover pizza. I had to RUN to the bathroom!
As a positive, though, I learned how to say "I'm pregnant" in Italian and it got me into a lot of restrooms without a hitch. Even in France, where we met a lot of rude people, once they figured out I was pregnant, they had a tendency to be more gracious and were suddenly willing to speak English..? The Italians were so cute when I'd spill the beans and were always super thrilled and happy. (I need to write about France and Italy, by the way!) Overall though, our trip had amazing "highs" and some yucky "lows" purely because that much travel at that particular time in pregnancy was not exactly enjoyable. Soooo many planes, trains, and cars!
Once we landed in the U.S. we stayed in a hotel with a luxurious king sized bed and slept (mostly) well (*see: jet lagged). I immediately felt better. So much so, most of my symptoms actually seemed to disappear and I felt a little worried. Thankfully, the day after we arrived home, we had our first ultrasound and baby was measuring right on track with a beautiful heartbeat! Shortly after that, I came down with an awful cold, and was down for the count for quite a while. But it was so good to be home!
Weeks 9-12
On week 10, I had my first OB appt. My blood pressure was high when I got there, and just fine when I was leaving. So they had me start checking at home. From checking at home, we narrowed it down to office nerves :) In that same OB appointment I got to hear the heart again. I thought it was just going to be blood work, so I had told Tom he didn’t need to come. He was bummed when he found out I heard the heartbeat - rookie mistake! They always listen to that heart!
During this time, Tom also accepted a job in Nashville (week 12) and we had to start the process of getting that moving. As it was early-mid November, it was looking like we’d be in house limbo during Christmas which was too bad, but we were so excited for these new adventures, it didn't rattle us. We had loved our visits to Nashville, and with a baby on the way, it was nice to be a few hours closer to family in the Midwest.
I stopped taking progesterone at the end of week 12. I remember being worried about this - as if it was my safety blanket - but my doctor assured me that the placenta would now have taken over! There was a little more cramping, but it soon evened out and I transitioned off of it just fine.
As many women have observed before me, the first trimester was not very fun! Things have been far better in the second trimester and I'm so glad for it. Those first weeks are mostly a game of figuring out how to manage your nausea and nap the day away while still continuing your life as normal. I dreaded Sunday mornings because I feared getting sick in church, and I felt so bad whenever Tom was eating something that stunk and I was gagging at him - haha!!
Of course, with the first trimester behind me, I'd gladly do it all again for the privilege to carry a life. We longed for, prayed for, and waited for this baby for seemingly ages, and we could not be more excited for him/her to arrive in May! Even on the hardest days of the last two years, God was good. He is good all the time - in the happy and the sad - but of course, we fail to see it in the sad, don't we?
Let me know if you'd like to hear more about pregnancy, infertility, or anything of the like. I'm not planning on going full-on "mom-blog," but as always, this space is a reflection of my life, so you can expect a few additions to that category!
A Letter To The Infertility Community
First, I want to say, this is a topic that is so near to my heart. Having been through this heart-wrenching trial, I have gained a perspective...
First, I want to say, this is a topic that is so near to my heart. Having been through this heart-wrenching trial, I have gained a perspective that many others have not. I am choosing to share this part of our life soon, but want to first speak with my friends I know - or perhaps I don't realize - are going through this right now. If this is a topic you think you know about, but have not experienced for yourself, I encourage you not to turn a blind eye, because I cannot tell you the shock I first experienced when I realized how many beautiful couples this affects. You know someone who is infertile. You may not ACTUALLY know they are infertile, but they are there, and they are hurting so deeply. God gave us peace in our struggle, and I hope my letter offers validation, hope, and love for those still in the midst.
Also, I realize this is not perhaps the most joyous way to announce my pregnancy on my blog (I’ve announced it on social media thus far), but truly, it is the way I feel most compelled to. Because I will never forget - and will perhaps revisit again - the raw emotion and foggy pain that infertility washed over us. I feel a great need to honor the beautiful, strong people I know who are facing this.
A Letter To My Infertility Community,
We’ve been trying to start our family for two years. It’s been a road filled with heartbreak, waiting (oh the pain in waiting), jealousy, devastation, hope and then hopelessness, sadness, and unmitigated aching.
Now, we are miraculously expecting. We are overjoyed and shocked, as any person who has struggled through infertility can imagine. For days, it was just plain disbelief. It happened to us! It’s the hope I know you cling to, that maybe it’ll happen to you too… by some miracle.
Yet you’re still there. Reading this. Waiting. Hoping. Feeling jealous, angry, and yet happy for us in some small way that we made it out of our suffering.
I want you to know, I think of you every day. The pain of infertility is fresh in my mind. Which is why I’m writing to you today. It’s why I’m writing this before I write a pregnancy announcement on my blog and plaster yet another thing where your hurting heart may see.
I see you. I validate you. And I know that you see our “two years" and perhaps scoff at our minuscule waiting period in comparison to yours or soooo many others. But try to remember. Remember how a few months in the very beginning felt like an eternity when you had no reason to think you’d struggle to conceive. How finding out your diagnosis (or lack thereof) was devastating whether it came at one year or five years into the journey. Remember that in no time at all, others began to “lap” you in their family planning endeavors and it hurt regardless of when it was in your struggle.
Know that even though we’re on the other side, I’ll always have one foot in the door of the infertility community. Cheering on those women who just want to be mommas. Who have miscarried over and over, and somehow find the strength to try again. To spend another fortune for just one more glimmer of a chance. Know that the silent sting of infertility and assumptive remarks of others have been burned into my heart, and I will promise to hold tight to the distinct perspective that comes with infertility. I will remember to check my sensitivity and always offer my ear and understanding to those going through this heart-wrenching battle so they never feel alone. Because oh how we know how lonely the infertility road can feel.
I need you to know that I pray for you. I’ve seen your moments of hope, drop to devastation in a matter of days, and it has broken me apart. Not as much as it has surely broken you, but it has nonetheless. I have cried with you, even if only on the other side of a screen. Infertility is torturous and unfair and dark. And yet, just knowing there is a listening ear when you’ve had to muddle through a day filled with pregnancy announcements and baby showers, is enough to refill your heart and remind you that someone understands. They know you’ll probably cry yourself to sleep (again) and begrudgingly drink a lot of wine, even though you’d give anything to not be allowed to consume it if it meant you’d have a baby soon in your arms.
I am a person of faith. I believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior and whether you do or not, He is my comfort and offers me the only true peace that cannot be found even in the arms of my husband. I pray that you find this peace as well. Whether in heartbreak or in joy, that you know there is peace that surpasses all understanding. That comes only from Christ and He is who I credit this miracle to.
Finally, thank you. Thank you for comfort, your prayers, your words of encouragement and understanding, your empathy while I vented, and for your unselfish joy when I shared our shocking news all those weeks ago. You were there that day, and knew before anyone else, and I’m so glad for it. You know the fear that comes with pregnancy after infertility - or can at least understand it - and yet, you were the first ones to say to me “You’re pregnant, girl, don’t doubt it - just enjoy!” Thank you for your loving “welcome” (does anyone really want to be welcomed to this?! haha) to the never-easy path of infertility. Your stories, vulnerability, and strength are beyond anything I’ve seen among humanity, and have given me a perspective I never thought I’d face, and yet in a way, I’m grateful to have learned compassion for those who face it.
I admire you all more than words can say, and I am privileged to know your journeys and continue to lift you up as you go, the way you did for me. I love you and I am here. Because infertility doesn’t just affect you and leave you once you have a baby. It’s with you always in some way or another, so I won’t be a stranger. In fact, we'll likely face it again.
Lastly, if you are reading this while experiencing infertility, and have no support or anyone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to message me. You are not at all alone (seriously, go to a fertility clinic waiting room and you’ll see!) and I want our story to be one of hope and compassion and respite for aching hearts. I am here. Infertility is lonely, but you don’t have to be alone. (Contact Me)
With all my love,
Joy